Discipline for my 8 year old daughter?

Question

Mostly she is well-behaved, but there are one or two things which are really becoming a problem, for example she never goes to bed when I ask her to, and she can get very defiant. I can't let this continue, but I don't really know what to do. I think the idea of stopping certain privilages is a good one, but with her it is difficult to put into practice, as she rarely watches television, we do not have anything like a playstation, and what she enjoys most is reading, which I don't feel I should discourage! The idea of a 'naughty step' doesnt really seem appropriate, particularly if I am trying to get her to bed.
I have tried taking away favourite toys (lego) but she and her 5yr old brother normally play with it together, and I don't like punishing them both, plus it's so nice to see them playing together! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

I have always found discipline followed up with a consequence, then topped off with more discipline works best. The discipline which works best for me is communication (talks, very long talks on what acceptable behavior is, and what is not) for the consequence, try time outs, long time outs, taking favorite positions away, grounding, and spanking (my old reliable, lol)

I think girls hit their trying stage at around 8-10, If not stopped it could go on until 16. My oldest daughter got really out of hand @ the age of 8, but I feel responsible, since I let her null me asleep with her sweetness through her 5-7s. I let her get away with way to much, she just kept pushing the issue. In the end, she endangered her life, that's when we resorted back to what works. SPANKING. Yes I know it's not popular, but it works. My oldest is now 10 with out the huge attitude, lying, sneaking, bratty problem she was showing during ages 8 and 9. I recommend stopping this behavior in it's tracks now rather then waiting. I am not saying to beat the tar out of her, but a good old fashioned spanking on the bare hiney, helped cure our daughter.
If I were in your situation, I would do what we call our 3 strikes rule for her not going to bed, or being defiant. first time=warning, second=taking toy, or privilege away, third=spanking. With my oldest 2 daughters, I have only had to give one spanking each for our 3 strikes policy. They always do what is asked after the warning.

Good Luck

Answer 2

She didn't get that way suddenly did she? If so, what is the cause? How is she doing in school? Are you hearing that's she disrespecting teachers? If you realize that you tolerated some back talking when she was young because it seemed cute or smart at an earlier age, it's going to take some time to change it. First off, don't speak with disrespect towards her or others. Model the behavior you want her to have. Spend time alone with her and compliment her on good qualities. If attitude starts on her part, cut short the activity without anger, just disappointment that she and you missed out on a good time. When she is nice to her brother, point that out to him, 'Your sister knows how younger children need to be treated.' Try to invite her help with things that make her feel important. When making dinner something like, "Michelle, I'm swamped in here, do you think you would be able to make the potatoes?" Of course you need to have all the things measured and ready to go before asking. But she's safe by the stove while you are there and you've created a situation where you can easily thank her and tell her you are so proud of how mature she is. If there's a subject in school she shines at, perhaps she can help her younger brother for a few minutes? Make sure to keep it short so her patience isn't tried and give them both some snack or treat after working together well. The best discipline isn't punishments, but 'catching' good behavior. In this case it sounds like you may have to create some scenarios to bring it about for a time. You may find that it makes the home more pleasant for everyone. Good luck!

Answer 3

If you're not having major discipline issues, and it doesn't sound like you are, then plan some kind of special treat (for example a movie night, and she gets to select the movie, then pop popcorn and the family can curl up together on the couch) and tell her that she can only get the treat by going to bed on time each night for a week, or maybe to start out with, if it's really problematic, maybe for 5 days. If it's not every single night for the week, but she has a couple of "off days" then make up "free passes" that she can turn in, so she can keep up with her behavior and she'll have a reminder of the reward she's working toward. Even if she has passes, if you can find a treat she really enjoys, I'm sure that soon you'll find her going more and more frequently without turning them in.

Answer 4

My step-daughter used to do that and still tries to every now and then. We made her bed time earlier every time we see her in her bed talking and playing and rolling around. Her bed time used to be 11 now it's at 9 and 9 works for her. She'll lay in there we'll walk by every 10 minutes if she's not asleep or is playing she gets put in the corner for 10 minutes every time we caught her. No lectures or scoldings just told her to get in the corner..sat and watched her to make sure she behaved...then sent her right back to bed. It was tiring for us and her the first week.

Then in the mornings, we didn't let her sleep past 6. So by the time 9 rolled around she hopped in bed and passed out a few minutes later. Bribing only makes her think she's won and will make things worse in the long run. If you start bribing kids you can't stop or you'll never have them controlled and behaved or able to cooperate.

Answer 5

Have you tried doing a star chart with her? If she gets so many stars she receives a prize.You can talk to her and ask her what prizes she would like-don't make them too expensive but just something small that she would like.
If she goes to bed even just one time praise her(be very expressive in your voice-over exaggerate the praise).If possible try to pick out the positive things that she does-this will work wonders.
If she succeeds once tell her Grand Mother etc of how well behaved she has been when she is there-she will feel so proud of herself.Hope this helps.x

Answer 6

if you've tried all else, 8 is not too old for a paddling- you'll only have to do it once or twice; and it doesn't have to be a painful experience; the shock of being smacked is more of a punishment than the actual smack. She'll learn very quickly that mum is to be obeyed, and you will know that it is a last resort that you CAN use. If she's generally a good child, you know its something you would rarely do. At the first refusal, tell her that because she won't obey, you are going to smack her bottom. Do it, then take her in your arms and explain that you don't want her to be rude and disobedient, thus the smack. Give her a cuddle, then put her to bed. If she tries it on the next night, do it again a little harder...and so on. SHe'll get the picture fast- it took 2 nights for ours and that was a year ago.

Answer 7

I had insomnia as a child and had a heck of a time getting to sleep. I felt my bedtime was too early and no matter what I would lie awake for at least an hour. (BTW, I am almost 50 now and still have trouble sleeping.) Maybe her bedtime should be a little later, and maybe she should be allowed to read in bed until she falls asleep.

You don;t say how she is defiant, but I wonder what your goals and philosophy are as far as discipline goes. Some parents see obedience as the goal while others focus on preparing their children to know themselves and make good and responsible decisons as adults.

Her definace may be her way of asserting her personhood. My advice is to lighten up on the authority and try to uunderstand what i s happening with her. She will be a much healthier and happier person if she can learn skills to assert herself iin an appropriate way.

Good luck...

Answer 8

I'm not really crazy about taking away things or a 'naughty step" at this age, either. The best thing is consistency. If they know you mean what you say, that you're not going to sit there and be argued with or sweet-talked out of it, it can alleviate a lot of issues. Also, a lot of people like "natural consequences" = if she doesn't go to bed on time, she has to deal with feeling crappy and tired the next day. You could try pointing it out to her by saying something like, "I want you to go to bed because you need sleep in order to grow properly, and also because without enough sleep you'll feel tired & grumpy tomorrow."
I'd also suggest 2 books: "Your 8-yr-old" (to see what kind of stuff is normal developmental defiance for this age) and "Kids Are Worth It!" (It's a crappy title, but it has a lot of ideas & perspective that I found interesting & helpful).

Answer 9

Not really except that you must find some consequence which is greater than the reward for the bad behavior. It needn't be all that drastic. Surely there are things she very much wants to do that can be withheld for a short period. Why not let her brother play with lego but not her. It may be nice to see them play together but "nice" doesn't get behavior modification, does it?

Answer 10

Try the carrot rather than the stick; maybe if she goes to bed at the right time for a week or a month (however long you think is appropriate), you will buy her a book by her favourite author? Or maybe a book token so you can add to it every week / month. Think about how creative you can be around it. I know it's uncomfortable to think of 'bribing' your children but I find it works better to reward good behaviour than punish the bad.