AM I BEING SELFISH? this is in regards to my husband and step-children?

Question

i have no problem watching my husband's children when he's working... sometimes 16 hour shifts even... but i think that when he returns from work HE should spend time with them. sometimes i make up excuses for places i have to go in order to MAKE HIM spend time with his children. He's angry with me today because he wants to go hunting BUT on Wednesdays his kids are here over night. am i wrong in being upset that he expects me to watch his kids all night while he is doing things for himself?

Answer 1

No, I have step children too and let me tell you...as much as I love our children and his and think of them as my own...you have to make him take responsiblity for his children. Tell him that he needs to pitch in because you don't mind taking care of his children, but ultimately they are his responsibility. My husband and I went through this and I think that now he realizes that I am not being mean, that I just want him to take care of his children. I mean we all need a break sooner or later..and he ahould be helping. He should not expect you to take care of his children while he runs off to play. Good Luck sweetie and stand your ground!

Answer 2

I know this was probably difficult for you to write. We are women. We are nurterers. People usually expect us to just do the child care and not complain. But no. It is *not* selfish for you to expect that your husband do his share. I don't know how close you are to the children or how long you've been in their lives but it sounds like you spend good quality time with them and he needs to too. So you'll hvae to tel him. That will be the hard part. Depending on how you tell him will affect whether or not you guys will have a big blow up over this and I know you don't want that. So go easy but yes, in my opinion you need to tell him. I'm sure he's not doign this on purpose but he does need a little reminding. If these were your children together you'd probably expect that you two raise them together and it shouldn't be any different in this situation. I would probably say "Honey, I know you really enjoy hunting, but the kids will be here here all night tonight and they want to spend some time with Dad. Do you think you can move your hunting trip to a night when they aren't here all night and perhaps we can all go out as a family tonight to XXX..or "perhaps we can stay in tonight and watch a movie together..or play a family game" (I'm not sure how old they and other details. But somethign like that. Now if your hubby is like mine..he may need even MORE direct then that. (Dr. Phil says men need to be told exactly what it is that we are having a problem with.) So you might just want to tell him that you love the kids too but you're starting to feel taken advantage of--and that you know that's not his intention but that when it's his night for the kids he should put 100% focus on them (especially if he doesn't get them flltime..which it sounds like he doesn't.) And again..my advice may not help becaues I don't know your husband and how he takes things..I don't know if he appreciates direct or will automatically go into defensive mode. But I think what may help you is to remember that the kids should be most important and they really do need their time with their Dad when they are with you guys.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I guess the thing is that he would do the same thing if they were your biological children too and you would probably accept it differently.
Clearly it is not you being selfish; he takes you for granted. Maybe you can help him to more clearly see the rights and feelings of others.
Is it possible for you to schedule some 'quality' activities for the times when his kids are there and he is not rostered to work? Encourage them to make him cards saying "sorry we missed you DAD" or to sit down and write him a letter from his own kitchen table. Maybe that way he will start to understand that he is actually missing something.
I would not advise adding further frictions by causing fights; that will only make the kids feel like they are a problem and that neither of you want them there.
If you are feeling the need to assert yourself by making up activities then maybe you need to get some real ones and my opinion is that you should schedule them for when it suits you, not in a way designed to achieve an ulterior motive.
There is a saying; men are always themselves, but women become who they are needed to be. I have observed this to be very often true (whether right or wrong, fair or not).

Answer 4

He sounds like the selfish one. They are his kids, you are doing way more than any step child or husband with kids would expect you to do. If they are over, he should cancel any plans he has that do not involve his children. Good for you. Tell him why you feel the way you do. They aren't your kids, although I'm sure you've treated them well, they still aren't your responsibility. All that you've done, all that you feel, won't matter to those kids because you are not there real mother. They probably feel that you won't even be there step mom for very long either. I don't know if this marriage your hubby got things right but chances are he brought his problems from his first marriage to this one. His problems of being selfish, neglectful etc... the things he and his first wife fought about are probably the things you fight about now. I hope you stand up for yourself and stop him from being so selfish. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 5

Hunting is a seasonal thing. You might cut him slack on that. I mean it will be a year before he can hunting again. I presume you meant deer hunting. You should talk to him and explain how you feel. Tell him that he needs to keep building a bond with his children and if he doesn't then the kids may quit coming to see him when they get old enough to make that decision. Nothing would be wrong with all of you spending the time together. I mean after all you are a family. Kids need attention and love from their parents even their step parents. Talk to him if he loves you and the kids I bet he will understand.

Answer 6

HE IS SELFISH!!!!

My ex husband refused once he re married to spend quality time with just his kids considering out of a possible 31 days he only had them for 4. How would he cope if you weren't there. I think it's nice that you look after and care for them but he is there father at the end of the day.

He needs a reality check and i don't think the childrens mother would be to pleased either. Access is for him, and the kids will soon realise where there fathers priorities lie!?

Answer 7

Since this is your husband and these are his kids then they are also your kids,no matter if you are the birth mother or not,and parents do not babysit their kids they take care of them,He should spend time with them and do things with them,but I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to go hunting and them staying at home with you,They will be a sleep most of the time that he is gone anyways.

Answer 8

no, you r not wrong. i don't understand why he would want to go hunting when his kids are over. i would think he would go hunting when they r not there. maybe he is making excuses to get away from the kids. u r not being selfish at all, u r already watching his kids while he is working, which he should be greatful for.

Answer 9

This seem to be something that needs to be discussed between you. In marriage you can't make an extended issue on each time there is a controversey. Your issue is bigger than one particular night out. You need to work on the whole agenda. I find you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. So, if you are feeling used - establish some boundaries. Make sure they are communicated. Otherwise, you might unsuspectingly fall into the same patterns that boggled the first wife.

Answer 10

If it was just an occasional thing I would say you are being selfish...but sounds like this is an every time thing?! He needs to raise his children, they need his attention more than they need yours. You are now married so you both need to do things with his kids together, but you should not be the only one taking care of them.