My father and brother live together. They are both alcoholics and when they drink they fight. They are having thanksgiving dinner at their house along with my uncle and cousin who are also violent (they have all gotten into a bad fight with EACHOTHER just this week) and my aunt who is also a drunk. My husband and I have a son who is not even 2. and I don't think he needs to be around all that.
There is no way to judge when the best time to go is because they are eating at 2 and they start drinking as soon as they wake up so by 2 the fighting will have already begun. How can I tell them we won't be there without hurting feelings or causing an arguement?
2006-11-22 05:55:22 · 21 answers · asked by Who Me? 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
We will be with my mom's side of the family which is a sore spot for them anyway.
2006-11-22 06:00:36 · update #1
I have asked them not to dink when my son is around and they sneak it anyway.
2006-11-22 06:09:19 · update #2
my dad used to just blow us off as kids. say he was going to be there and then just not show up, and although it is tempting to do the same thing to him, I want to be the bigger person, I remember how disappointing that was.
2006-11-22 06:13:23 · update #3
they have all been in jail and rehab several times. none of them think they have a problem. If they don't WANT help I CAN'T help them! After 20 years of this behavior I don't owe them anything. I do love them and I don't want to hurt their feelings but am willing to risk that not to have my son see the same things I saw as a child------This is for Shell!
2006-11-22 06:23:58 · update #4
What you really need to do is just show some tough love, if you asked them once before not to drink around your son and they choose to sneak it anyway, they blatantly disrespected you, your family and the way that you are raising your son. Tell them that as much as you love them and would like to spend time with them, at this point you're just not comfortable bringing your son around that behavior, site specific examples such as the fight earlier that week and how they have said in the past that they weren't going to drink and did so anyway. Apologize and then inform them that in the future, if you are going to spend time together than you'll plan a dinner or bbq at your house and no alcohol will be present and if they show up drunk that they'll have to leave and ask them if they'd respect your decision. Wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and hang up the phone. Period, set you boundary and stick with it because you don't want your son to be exposed to that kind of volatile situation. This way, they know that you still love them and all but they also know that your son is always going to come first.
2006-11-22 06:37:43 · answer #1 · answered by Mel 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stand up and let it be known that your son and his life is your responsibility. Your job as a parent is to protect your child from the bad things in life the best you can. Until the alkies seek help you have to stay away. If there are hurt feelings too bad. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this behavior is normal and exceptable?If you don't lay the foundation between right and wrong there are always sickos out there who will take advantage.
2006-11-22 14:20:52 · answer #2 · answered by Miz Val 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't bother to tell them, if they are as bad as you make them sound, they will be so drunk they won't even notice that you weren't there. Or just call them and tell them the plain truth, just like you stated it here, you don't want your child exposed to that type of behavior and do not feel comfortable having him around them when they are drinking and fighting. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it is always the best option. Perhaps this is something they need to hear and consider, for their grandson/nephews sake.
2006-11-22 13:59:52 · answer #3 · answered by on2lifesjourney 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to say anything when it comes to family... If this is such a concern for you then you should just put your foot down and lay the law! Be honest with them as to why you don't want to come around. Your son is much more important, and why expose him to such behavior? It is time for you to make tough decisions, and don't waste any time. Let them know that the fighting is not something you want your son exposed to, and as for the drinking..let them know that that is unacceptable as well! You don't want to be teaching your son that drinking, and brawling is acceptable behavior. If it hurts their feelings then so be it. As I have learned in aa. don't enable and sugar coat things for alcoholics, it just gives them the okay to continue down this destructive road. If this leads to you not seeing your family.. then make those hard choices.. afterall, do you want your son t grow up and become like them? Scary thought isn't it:(
2006-11-22 14:06:40 · answer #4 · answered by wherenai 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Though I don't really think lying is a great thing, you can always tell them your son is sick and running a fever or that you or your husband has a stomach virus.
Good luck dealing with your family, though. You won't be able to lie to them for your son's entire life to keep away from them. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place!
2006-11-22 13:58:01 · answer #5 · answered by teel2624 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i would suggest that you tell them that your family having dinner at your home. let them know that although you enjoy their company, you would like to start a family tradition for your family. My family has people who don't get along too and so we go to a nice resurant that does a thanksgiving buffet type dinner, that why people have to behave (at least some what!!!) i wish you all the luck, and Happy Turkey day.
p.s. this is only the first of holidays this season you may want to plan ahead for the rest of those family days!
2006-11-22 14:02:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just tell them you won't be there. I have a 2 year old myself and she comes first, so you shouldn't feel bad about not going and hurting there feelings because if they had any respect for you then they would not act like that around your child!
2006-11-22 14:22:35 · answer #7 · answered by NIC 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to tell people you don't want to be around them when they're drunk.
The best way to handle this is to simply tell them you're going to have Thanksgiving at your own home this year (and then do so) or make plans to spend it with others.
If they wonder why you're not coming, tell them you'll speak to them about that after Thanksgiving.
2006-11-22 13:58:25 · answer #8 · answered by QuackJak 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i know its a important time of the year for family and you wish to visit them ,i personally woould go at around 11 in the morning as they would just be getting up, swap presents and stay for half hour then leave ,least that way they are sober and your child wont see the drinking and argueing, good luck
2006-11-22 13:59:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry about hurting feelings or causing an argument. Did they care about your feelings as you watched them fighting in horror? No. Just tell them the cold hard truth. Don't expose that child to idiots.
2006-11-22 13:58:53 · answer #10 · answered by Jon O 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋