Help w/ Disciplining a stepchild!?

Question

I have a stepson living w/us full-time. He gets into trouble quite often and anytime he gets in trouble he blaims everyone else. He never shows any remorse for his actions. His father tends to be mad initially, calm down & then want to lesson the discipline. We definately have different parenting styles, which causes major problems in our relationship. I can't get him to see that I may have a clue cuz my kids rarely get into any trouble. His son tends to be defiant and disrespectful when approached about being in trouble, rather than feeling remorse for his actions. The most recent trouble was his being on school grounds after hrs., refusing to leave when told by a teacher (denies that of course) then when the principal reviewed the tape he was caught "mooning" a girl. What can we do to get together w/ our parenting? Please don't say counseling, we've done that for yrs. and it's been useless. p.s. his mother is a jail bird, is he heading there too by never believing he is wrong?

To answer some ?'s / comments: I don't mean to brag about my kids, they just really aren't ever in any trouble. Maybe it isn't my parenting skills & I'm just lucky. My stepson is 16. There have been many more instances I can't even relay. Not only at school, but at home. He has a past of doing really mean things to my son and myself.When my son was smaller he was a bully to him physically and verbally. He's now caught up in size so my stepson just steals from him. With me, he uses my personal things to just irritate me and has put my toothbrush in the toilet on several occassions, that now I have to hide it. These aren't the most comfortable living arrangements. So maybe "we never had a fighting chance."

Answer 1

I am a strong supporter of tough love but it doesn't seem that your husband would agree with this approach. You do not state the child's age so it is kind of hard but it sounds like he is in junior school by his actions. If there is a mentorship program in your area perhaps you can set up one for this boy. I work with youth in conflict with the law and have seen many of them make remarkable turnarounds after they have reached the age of 18. As far as you and your husband getting on the same page - this is very important not only for you both but for the child also as he can sense the tensions and differences in your styles. Sports also sometimes help kids to release some of their pent up energy and if possible you can set him up in one that he is interested in. Best of luck.

Answer 2

first I would say not to assume that the fact that your children never get into trouble is due to your parenting style and that your style must be superior. although I would imagine that a lot of it is due to the way you parent your children...there is still the fact that some kids are going to act up no matter HOW they're disciplined. I think the key thing I'm trying to stress, is to NOT come off sounding like you're better at parenting than your husband, other wise he'll take offense and possibly tune you out in an attempt to prove that's not so.
secondly, I'd say it's probably best NOT to try to discipline the boy yourself. allow your husband to do it. you didn't say how old the boy is or how long you and your husband had been together, but it's probably for the best to let your husband handle his discipline. just try to discuss with your husband some strategies that you think might help.
it sounds like the kid is in a pretty bad situation with his mother and all, which would explain the father wanting to take it easy on him. he probably feels sorry for his son. this is natural. but that doesn't mean the child should be allowed to get away with murder. he'll be doing the boy no justice in the long run if he allows that.

Answer 3

You have described my family to a tee. My first wife was a jail bird always causing problems.My first born son has been nothing but trouble .He has spent more time in jail and prisons than on the street. your husband better wise up and get help like right now.The later he waits the bigger the problem will get. Eventually his son will be untouchable.My heart goes out to you and your husband. All I can do is say pray for your family .And tough love. Its hard but it does work. My two boys by my first wife have both had lots of trouble the second son not as bad.My son and daughter by my second wife which both live with me one 17 and one 15 are of a different world. They are extra good in school a& b students They have good attitudes and are well adjusted.The differance between the first two and the second two is my third wife don`t put up with foolishness and we all go to church.That makes the differance in day and night. good luck and may God be with you all this Holiday season

Answer 4

You and your husband need to tag team this problem or it will get worse! Sit down with your husband and tell him that you do not agree with his parenting skills but, that you have to work together to make it better. The Dad feels guilt about mom and the situation so he is going to be a push over until something major happens. Hide a camera around the house so you have proof of what he does and then bring it to his attention without arguing about it. Even as a step parent you need to let the child know that you love him and getting into trouble is not helping and to just get whatever is on his mind out and then try to fix it. I am in similar situation and you walk on eggshells because you love Dad and now you have to let the Dad be a Dad and do all the disciplining without you saying anything and then he will come to you in time. Keep your head up and be supportive of the both of them without loosing it yourself. You can do this!!!!

Answer 5

First, don't allow your step-son to see that you and your husband disagree on anything. You must present a united front. You must also sit down with you husband in a calm and cool manner, in private, and review the son's behavior and what punishment he's received, etc. Then you and your hubby must set guidelines and rules, with consequences for when those rules are broken - as well as significant rewards when the rules are followed. You must stay consistent. You must stay firm as a couple. If such-and-such happens (good or bad), then the consequence is this (rewards or punishment accordingly). Depending on the type of relationship you both have, and have with the son, you might even get the son involved in what he thinks a reasonable punishment would be - and what he thinks a reasonable reward would be. The more involved you can get him in his own life, the better. The more you can present a united front to him as parents, the better. The son will pay the price if you don't. Good luck!!!!!

Answer 6

You can't discipline his child. I'm also in your shoes myself with a step-son that is most defiant and most times makes me wish he'd just go away (not nice I know). I told my guy that unless he starts behaving like a parent, then I would leave. Sometimes you have to make the bio parent take an active role in disciplining their own child, which is hard especially for a father to do. And the only way to get through to your husband that he needs to take an active role is to sit him down (no kids around) and tell him straight up that he either behaves like a parent or 1) you leave or 2) you'll take over all disciplining and he'll have no say.

Answer 7

He may well. You need to go out for one evening and talk to both your husband and your stepchild. Your stepchild feels resentment over the divorce.

My brother was the same way for six agonizing months. Those months were long, and they were hard. He was not diciplined very well.

But we pulled through and made it. I constantly talked with my mom and let her know when he tripped up and made a mistake.

Although more then the mistake, let him know when he's doing something right. They love to know that. If he denies it show him proof that it IS his fault -- because he needs to see what he did was wrong.

Like my friend said, "There's light under the tunnel. All you have to do is dig for it."

Answer 8

sometimes you have to take a step back, ad voice your opinion when really needed, my parters daughter is 10 and i used to voice my opinion and i knew i was right, it wont work well when the kids are not yours, but if your nice all the time then you will get a better response. trust me its better to be nice, also my mum had a partner and i hated him telling me what to do so from the kids point of view its very difficult to do what someone else tells you what to do because ur not there mum or dad. you have to gain respect and friendship then they will get on the same level as you....

Answer 9

My mother died when I was 4 years old.. my dad remarried when I was 7.. my step mother use to beat the hell outta me. even when I didn't do anything bad. and I mean I took some beatings, like punched in the face, kicked, thrown against walls.. and from my experiance being a step child to someone, maybe there is something that troubles him, I advise you to talk to your husband before you do or say anything.. cause when my dad found out what was going on,, he wasn't happy.. even if she yelled or grounded me,, because I wasn't her kid. it wasn't her responsibilty.

Answer 10

well, i know that you have beentold this before and if you haven't you should have cut him a little slack, but not enough, pull your husband aside the next time he gets in trouble (before you punish him) and tell him that you are going to handle this one and that if it doesn't work out then next time he can handle the punishment and that will deal with your husband

but first you'd have to deside what is a suitable punishment for him and please don't say you want to ground him or spank him
i know it's hard to think of punishments but try to find one that matches what he did to get in trouble if you have any farther question you can email me at [e-mail]