family in prison?

Question

My mother has always been irresponsible, bi polar and an alchoholic recenltly a drug addict. She has always neglected her 4 kids, I am the oldest so i was the mother. She has done terrible beyond belief things to us and is now paying the price years later. She is on prison.( 5 years in) I was releived when this happened because she still had custody of my two little sisters, I had already moved away.

she keeps writing me, but I want nothing to do with her. She knows I have kids now and I never want them around this woman.
My husband aggrees. Am I being too harsh, has anyone gone through this too? I never write back but she keeps trying, She gets out next year and im scared she will show up at my door.

any advice out there?

Mother from Texas in need

Answer 1

I work in the prison system and I can honestly say from my point of view, you must follow your heart and if it tells you to stay away then DO IT ! So many people go into prison with screwed up lives and once they get there they are finally forced to deal with issues that brought them to that place, some try and work thru it, some ignor it and just try to survive the experiance. Either way it is very rare that they do well once they get back into society without the support of family OR friends, this is not to say it's your responsibility. She is a grown women that knew what she was doing and chose that path regardless of her children, now you were raised in an unfortunate environment and I ask you would you treat your children the way you were treated? At some point she will have to deal with the mistakes she's made and the consequences that come with them, without causing any more suffering to you. Her healing should not be at your expense! Best wishes

Answer 2

I can relate.
I think it might be a good thing to write her back and tell her that you do not want contact with her. You have that right.
Keep in mind that your not responsible for the situation she is in and that you do not need to put up with any of her crap. She is responsible for her own life and her actions are the cause of your feelings for her.
I recently, after much soul searching, told my mother to leave me alone too. I am 43 and it still bothers me, she is my mother and I do love her, I just don't want the drama and heartache. If she got help and could prove she was different I would reconsider, but I will always keep my mother at a distance.
GOOD LUCK.

Answer 3

Maybe contact the authorities in your town or call the prison to see what can be done to legally keep her away from you and your family. If you get an order against her, she would be a fool to break probation just to see you.

Perhaps you should write her a short but strong letter stating that you no longer wish to be a part of her life, you have a life of your own no thanks to her, you are thriving and you will NOT subject your family to her ever.

Tell her "Please do not contact me anymore or I will be forced to take precautionary measures to insure that you are not legally allowed to come near me. You have caused me more pain and hurt than any child should endure and a relationship with you is not in my best interest."

Be very direct. Be strong. I am so sorry for your upbringing. Your kids are lucky you are so different from your own mother.

Answer 4

Look, I have not been in the exact shoes ur in however had a bad childhood growing up also, My mom is not in prison, But trust me they want you when they need you but they weren't there when we needed them...Soooo you have no obligation..Be straight with her if you want nothing to do with her...Trust me!!! The stress thaty comes with trying to keep peace IS NOT worth it....It will be best for u and your children and your relationship to stay clear!! She (as she has told you i'm sure) has made her bed and let her lye in it!! These parents think because they born us they can treat us anyway and we should always be there for them...Why should we? We can only do but so much..
Like i tell my mom I have a family from ME down and thats family I will concentrate on my family and making my kids and grandchildren the best they can have...with your mom in your life it will only cause confusion on YOUR family...NOT WORTH IT DEAR!

Answer 5

You are not being too harsh you are being a responsible adult. Forget her and live your new happy life. Anything short of this is simply rewarding bad behavior. There is more to being a parent then getting pregnant. Throw the letters in the trash and don't open the door if she shows up and don't feel one little bit guilty.

Answer 6

i would send her one letter telling her that i am still too hurt to correspond with her, and that when she gets out i am not able to give her the support she needs. i believe that part of their rehab is to write letters to the people they hurt, she might also want to be able to say i have a place to go and a support system. if you truly feel this way and you know in your heart that you never want to see your mother again call the jail and tell them to stop correspondence to you. be very sure because people make mistakes and on the rare occasion change.

Answer 7

well maybe she wants an other chance with the kids and wants 2 talk 2 u and maybe 2 should wirte back.

Answer 8

i hate to say it but sometimes there's only one way to do what has to be done. get a restraining order if you think it's going to be a problem. write her back and tell her how you feel just once then you don't haave to have anything to do with her.

Answer 9

she is your mother even, if you hate her for her action of the past give her a chance to change if she repeat her action then stop the relationship contact m threr is other thing I would like to say but to you only! [e-mail]

Answer 10

I totally agree with you and respect what you are doing for your children but esp for yourself. I dont blame you for not communicating with her and it sounds like you have a good man who supports you, him and your children are your family and first priority.