my 4 year old daughter is having severe temper tantrums what do i do?

Question

my 4 year old daughter is throwing tantrums. She is almost 5. The tantrums could happen at any moment for almost any reason. It gets to the point where she will literally rip her hair out or hurt her younger brother, she has even spit on me. I have tried everything that I can possibly think of to get her to stop, has anyone had the same experience, does anyone have any suggestions? We have tested her for autism which we were told she did not have but no one else seems to have answers as to why she acts like this.

like was stated before i have tried everything I have tried speaking calmly, time-outs, the corner, taking things away, ignoring her, removing her from the situation, praising her when she acts appropriatly,even smacking her bottom. Nothing works!!!!!! I am extremely persistant and quite reliable with the disapline.

Answer 1

Does she have good reason to be so angry? Any new changes in her life (move, new school, new sibling, family issues or stress)? If she has started a new school, she could be a little extra tired or having issues at school. If she has a new sibling, she is throwing tantrums to get attention. If there are any changes in her life, give her a little extra love and support.

Temper tantrums are caused by children who are not getting their needs met. If they are not throwing a tantrum because they are sick, hungry, or tired, they will throw a tantrum because it feels powerful, they get attention for it, they are testing limits, or they are simply feeling frustrated.

Avoid punishing or threatening. Stop the time-outs, the corner, taking things away. These punishments will only cause more anger, are not a way for her to learn self control, and are not a solution to the problem. When she throws a tantrum, do the unexpected. Either walk away or move her to a quiet place (her room, the couch) and say “When you are ready to calm down then you can come back.” Say nothing more than that. This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling her). She can return when she is ready to control herself. You may have to return her to the designated spot before he gets the message. Keep it up!

If she hurts her brother, rush to him and empathize. “Ouch! That must have hurt! Let’s get some ice to put on your sore.” Shut your daughter out. You can also be overly dramatic about this. When she goes near him, pick him up and say “I can’t have you around him. I’m worried you might hurt him.” She will not like not getting attention, though it is negative, for this.

When she spits at you, take her gently to the bathroom, point to the toilet and say “You can spit here. When you’re finished spitting then you can come out.” Spiting will not get the desired attention and she will lose interest.

Use logical or natural consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when she misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If she spills her milk, she wipes it up. If she breaks a toy, she puts it in the trash. If she draws on the wall, she cleans it and her crayons get taken away until she is ready to only draw on paper. Let the punishment fit the crime committed.


Empathize with her when she has calmed down. “I can tell you were feeling very (upset, hurt, mad, angry, sad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” Do some problem solving and give her words to use. She will then learn to better express herself rather than throw a tantrum.

Help her to feel powerful by saying thing like “You did that by yourself! You can climb super high! You stacked every block! You used so many colors on you picture!” These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy).These phrases are great ways to help your daughter feel powerful, gain confidence, and show attention in a positive way.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 2

You don't say how you deal with these situations...it may be your reaction to her trantums that actually encourages them even though you think you're doing the opposite. Do you give in to her desires because she throws temper tantrums? in which case you are showing she can have whatever she wants by throwing a tantrum. On the otherhand if you become very distressed and cry or scream she may see this as behaviour she should be able to copy. Try to remain calm but firm stick to your guns and possibly enforce a praise/punishment system.
You must give her a warning that she is likely to receive a punishment rather than just instantly sending her to her room - this gives her a chance to stop.
After a warning has been given, follow through with the action.

It is also important to praise her for when she is good, when she says sorry etc.

Temper tantrums are perfectly normal for a child of her age, if they become too much of a problem/happen too frequently etc. you may consult your doctor for advice. Your docotr may be able to refer her to a specialist...but i highly doubt this would be necessary.
There are not really symptoms of autism, more of the average 4 year old girl!

Answer 3

I have been a mom for 27 years and a daycare provider for 20 years. I have seen some pretty bad temper tantrums. It has been my experience that children throw temper tantrums because at some point in their life it has gotten them what they wanted. Tantrums are generally born out of 2 scenarios. One as a result of frustration with something out of their control and the other to manipulate others to get what they want. Tantrums are definitely easier to deal with when at home. A tantrum is not very effective if there is no one there to see it. Whenever possible, take your son and leave your daughter alone during her tantrum. As you leave, tell her that you will let her have her privacy and you will be back when she is calm and can talk. Don't beg or plead for her to stop. Absolutely do not give her what she wants to make the tantrum stop. Don't get all sugary with the "oh, honey" with the hugs and the "it'll be OK sweetie". Let the tantrums be her choice to make to have and her choice when to stop. If she has one, then leave her alone to have it whenever that is convenient. Obviously, as all parents know, tanturms will most often take place in the most inconvenient places such as the grocery store, church, a restraurant, or when a guest in someone's home. During a tantrum away from home you will need to remove her physically to a place where you can deal with her - such as taking her to the car or a bathroom or outside. You won't be able to reason with her during a tantrum, so let the tantrum run its course making sure she does not harm herself, others, or property as best you can. When she is not having a tantrum, you can discuss appropriate ways to handle her anger and frustration. Such as saying what is wrong, screaming into her pillow and hitting her pillow (this worked wonders for 2 of my kids), throw a ball against the side of the garage 100 times (or as high as she can count) or run around the house 10 times. Give her some acceptable ways to handle her anger and remind her of them if she seems to be frustrated or you know a particular situation always brings on a tantrum. Tantrums are exhausting for both child and parent. Sometimes all we want is for the tantrum to stop so we are tempted to give in. But, know that if you give in even one time that will be enough fuel to make the tantrums continue. It is very hard to do, but it is a good goal to "Mean what you say and say what you mean." It is a motto I have lived by for years and it does work.

Answer 4

People, no matter what their age, do tihings because there is something they are getting in return. In psychology this is called the payoff.

Your daughter's payoff is that she is getting attention from you whether it's good or bad attention, the point is that she is getting it. Every time you have given her attention when she threw a temper tantrum, you unfortunately re-enforced the behavior.

The only thing you can do now is to tell her that he behavior is unacceptable. When she does it, she will be put in a room by herself until she can behave. Then you absolutely have to follow through. If you give in to her even once, you will undo it all and there isn't even any point in trying to change her disagreeable behavior.

What is sad to me in these situations is that the child has to pay for the parent's mistakes. Hopefully you will have learned not to do the same with your son.

Answer 5

First find out what's behind the tantrum...
Need to release frustration
Need to express feelings
need to assert themselves
lack of control over their lives
lack of control over their emotions
hunger, exhaustion, overstimulation, boredom
Too many choices, too few limits or vice versa

About 14% of 1 y/o; 20% 2-3 y/o and 11% of 4 y/o have "frequent" tantrums

Variety of less common factors
Genetic predisposition (some children are born with temperamental qualities)
extremes of discipline
--too lax of discipline: child uses it for external control
--too strict
History of illness, chronic disabilities or health problems
--parents are more likely to treat as "special the child with medical problems or born after many miscarriages or long period of trying. Hyperactive, allergies, recurrent minor illnesses factor in. Also check medications.
parent/child personality clash
Divorce or separated parents
parental personal problems

PREVENTION (best defense)
Encourage better outlets for emotions
Tailor life to his/her personality
Avoid letting you child fgor for long stretches w/o food
Reduce the need to say "no" (parent's negativity may trigger)
When possible say "yes"
Don't straddle the line
Don't overcontrol
Provide choices when possible
Anticipate frustration when possible
Keep your child from going over the edge
Stick to your principles when tantrums occur
Commend good behavior, even behavior that's neutral
Try to be a model of calm

DEALING WITH TANTRUMS
Stay calm
Speak softly
Dont' use a big stick
Don't try to reason or argue with your child during a tantrum
Protect your child and his/her surroundings
--move the child to a setting that's safer for everyone and everything. Restrain when he/she is attacking you
Express empathy
Try holding you child
Try distraction
Get down to you child's level
Ingore the tantrum
Call a timeout (to "cool-off" the child)
Let it run it's course

AFTER THE STORM
If tantrum ends quickly offer praise ("You did a good job of helping yourself calm down")
Dont rehash or lecture or insist oon apology or admission of guilt
Don't administer punishment of any kind (if it was sparked by a parental request; ie picking up a toy then reach a compromise)
If it was due to a refusal DO NOT back down
Divert to an enjoiyable activity (one that's not frustrating)

If your child's tantrums occur after age 4; occur very frequently (2 or more times a day) seem to be accompanied by intense feelings or other behavior problems (sleep disorders) or you're having difficulty in handling them than consult his/her dr.

Answer 6

Schools are not able to make a medical diagnosis of a child. A psychologist is not enough of an authority to diagnose a child. Get a medical evaluation for your daughter. If your pediatrician suspects your daughter has special needs, you should see a specialist. If you have a good pediatrician, they can give you a referral to a pediatric neurologist or pediatric psychiatrist. With the correct diagnosis, you can begin to address her specific need through school, as well as through special services provided by the Department of Health and Human Services.

Answer 7

i know what your going through i have a 4 year old with the same problem, she has been this way since she has been about 9-10 months old but now the tantrums have escalated to wear i have to actually physically pin her down cuz she is hurting herself,me or her 3 other sisters. like you i have tryed everything and i have yet to find anything that works, we are now waiting to see a specialist to really find out why she is like this. Alot of my family and friends have told me to get her hearing checked cuz if they cant hear properly she could be acting out cuz she doesnt fully hear properly so she is getting very frustrated and thats the only way she can get her point across (i dont think thats the problem but to make them happy we will get her hearing checked)and they also think that she may have a.d.h.d. im just glad there are people out there that are in the same situation. i really hope the end of this is near.

Answer 8

Most temper tantrums should be ignored because they are a means of trying to take control. If she tries to harm somebody a quick smack on the bottom and removing the person from her reach is all it takes. If she tries to destroy things, let her destroy anything of hers she wants. After her temper tantrum make her throw it in the garbage and explain that she no longer has it because of her own actions.

She'll catch on fairly quickly and the tantrums will stop.

(Yes, I know all you folks out there are going to take umbrage at the suggestion of a smack on the bottom. All three of my kids are grown now and have all become murderers and rapist so you are probably right.)

Answer 9

Have you tried putting her in a corner? I know it old but it sometimes works the best, I had one that did the same thing, I put her in a corner and told her when all that nastiness when into the corner she could come out of it. As far as just tantrums tell her when your done let me know and ignore her.

Answer 10

Ignore her! She is most probably doing it for the attention! My aunt was going through the same thing with her 3 year old daughter! She tried this and it wore off fast! Not saying that it will work for you but it doesnt hurt to give it a try! Good Luck!