My 26 year old son has no place to live....?

Question

I am having anxiety amidst "mother-guilt" because I refuse to let him stay with me (for the umpteenth time). I really don't feel I am helping him be responsible. He hops from job to job and seems to go through "friends" like he does socks. Yet everytime he is in trouble, he calls on me. He spends his money frivolously and comes to me to bail him out. I gave him money to move out on his own in 2002 but he came back in 2003 and just left again in 2005 (I evicted him). I don't want to see him homeless but he literally consumes me when he stays here (i.e., uses my toiletries, won't clean, eats all the food, won't buy any, etc.). I say, let him stand on his own two feet - he'll find a way to survive. What do you say?

Wow - these are great answers. I cannot tell you how much your input has helped me make my decision. His father and I divorced 7 years ago and I remarried this year. My husband will be here next month and he agrees that I should not let him back in. It is hard, but you're right - I have to do it! Calvin, if he didn't drink, get drunk and disrespect me, I probably wouldn't mind putting up with him but a mother can only take so much. Again everyone - thanks! It's hard to pick the best answer since everyone was so insightful! I'll let my husband pick.

Answer 1

He's 26 years old. He's gotta learn to stop feeding off mommy and spread his own wings now. He's an adult, you have done your job. By constantly running to his rescue he'll never be able to truly stand on his own two feet. I'm 26 myself and I have a great career, my own apartment and I feel great. I couldn't do all of this if I was still living at home with my mother.

You just have to let him go.

Answer 2

hmm. I think you have answered your own question. However, I can also tell you are the type of mom with such a good heart, you will probably let him back. So, I am sure we are all going to support the decision you have just made, but in the event you yield to your need to care for him at his late stage and age:

Is there no dad around to help you with this?
Set ground rules and rigidly enforce them
Cleaning, cooking, chores, just like when he was a little tyke. If he was not told to do all of these things when younger, he has a lot to overcome.

Yes, he should learn to stand on his own two feet and survive, but, he may not. Everyone likes to think a person will, but have contingencies in place so you may deal with them more easily if and when they ariise, versus making decisions in haste.

As an example, if you felt the need to let him back, think of what should allow that to happen. If the criteria is not meant, it is easier to say no. As a parent, I know that regardless of the age of my children, there is always an open door, if I can open it.

Answer 3

I have two sons myself although they are not of that age just yet, I know it would just break my heart to be in your shoes. However, I did experience this with my older brother. I was a single mother, doing well for myself, and he hopped from place to place. Partied until he would get kicked out and I was always the fall guy and the house he would use temporarily. Never paid rent or helped with groceries, or cleaned up after himself. After 8 years, in and out, I finally told him out. He has since then matured, married, and is raising two step-sons. There may be some silver lining, but you will have to stand firm. The fact that he does know how to work is a plus. Everyone has a flight or fight response, but they will only fight when they are forced to do so. The other option you have is agreeing to let him stay with a signed lease, that would you would actually have recourse to him not abiding by the lease.

Answer 4

I am also going through the same thing. My son is 24. I told him he had to leave a month ago. I just saw him for the first time in a month. He is living with a friend who is helping him out. I was afraid he would be out in the streets too. He is working every day and doing the things he is supposed to be doing. I went through a lot of guilt at first, but now I know I did the right thing. It'll take time, but you have to think about what's best for both of you. Good Luck from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 5

the hard part is being a mother or father we have to put the cup down and say i love you and i am sorry you have to let him be a man if being homeless for awhile so be it he get his act together its get cold out there fast and no job you bet you wont give a drink to a drunk as long as your son feel youre aways there he will keep comming back i would bet he used his friend aswhile this is why he go though them like sock the best thing you can do is to pray good luck god bless u

Answer 6

I agree with you. Sometimes the hard lesson learned is the best lesson to teach. Good luck. I hope your son finds his way.

Let him come over once a week to eat dinner at your place. Let him do one load of laundry a month if you have a washer. But otherwise it sounds like your son is old enough to take care of himself, he just needs to remember that you are not supposed to support him for life. When he does come over ask him how his week was and compliment his accomplishments but don't dwell on the problems. If he asks for help give him sound advice how to help himself.

Good For You!!!!

Answer 7

Boy....... does your life sound fimaliar! Try having a 31 yr. old stilllllll living with you! He never has ran away from home and sure I will admit that at times he can be very helpfull, but please cut the cord! Get a life of your own. Don't feel guilty for doing the right thing and kick him to the curb or mission! Atleast that is what my "FIVE" other children tell me to do. {I still don't have the heart to do it to this day, so maby I'm the one that should get a life!}

Answer 8

yes i agree with you.... if he has problems or some issues stemming from something maybe you can help him find counseling....
i was in and out of my mothers house too ... i am 25 and i left home when i was 18 but went back and forth... i had some issues though...lol.... i was hospitalized at 16 for depression and then ran away ect ect ect,,,,, at 18 i moved to TX from my home in WA state w/ my best friend..... we had some problems ect ect... and i moved in with a new boyfriend (my first boyfreind ever!..lol) i was pregnant at 19 and moved back home w/boyfriend..... we then got an apartment in WA and were there for about a year or so but we werent making enough money yada yada yada..lol... anyway i was in and out with her too.... hopefully never again!! i do understand how hard it is for the parent (my children are still young but i know that i have to keep this in mind with them too and try my best to raise them right so they will be able to stand on their own two feet when the time comes) i can assure you he is more then likely not happy with things and probably doesnt really know what else to do.....just stand firm i guess ... tell him it is time to grow up!! (lol.. rent movie failure to launch!!!! its very good!!!) good luck to you and your son... i know it is hard!

Answer 9

I would take him to a counselor to be evaluated for mental health issues. If he is found to be healthy and have no mental health issues, and his problem is just pure laziness and irresponsibility...?...then I would (as hard as it may be) just let him bottom out. As long as you keep bailing him out - or somebody else is bailing him out of all of his misfortune, you are enabling him to continue on in such a manner. Hard for a mama to do - but out of love for him I would think it's something you'll have to do. He MUST hit bottom and be left alone standing in the cold before he can realize that he must simply HAVE to get a job (or two - many people have to work two jobs these days) and be responsible for himself. It's sink or swim..he'll learn to swim once there isn't a "lifesaver" thrown to him...aka "mom". (((Hugs))) cause I understand a mama's heart...but time for the boy to become a man...he will. Better late than never.

Answer 10

It depends on why he keeps failing in life.I started drugs at 20 yrs of age , and didn't get my life together until I was 32. For most of that time my father refused to turn his back on me. He always told me I had a place in his home. Many of his friends and family members (even my own mom ) told him to let me starve and fail on my own , and then I would learn.I know I would be dead if my father had done that to me.I would have had to live with some people who would only have gotten me worse off that I already was.Now today I have a successful career , and can support myself.My father's words still echo in my head today.He simply told me " I am going to love you long enough and hard enough until you love yourself ". I thank God everyday that he did- I wouldn't have made it without my family's undying love and support.