Why do some parents claim they love all their kids the same but yet have their favorites?

Question

I think that their should be no difference in loving your kids. One should not be considered better over the other one. Who agrees? I know so many moms that do this and i think it is wrong.

Answer 1

My husband does this to the point I am considering leaving him. He has a 6yr old girl from a previous relationship that although I care about her fact is she is up his ***. He can not walk outside without her running out behind him. She will say "daddy i love you" when she has nothing else to say. And when he is talking to anyone she interrupts and he does not correct her. She will pout if he doesn't jump up to do everything she asks. We have a 6 month old son who favors me because I am with him 24-7, he looses his patience with our son calls him a spoiled brat and unless people are around really want nothing to do with him. I also have another child from a previous marriage that is 13 and I do not treat either of my kids different, when the 13yr old needs me I'm there for her when my 6 month old needs me I'm there for him. However his father will gladly chose his daughter over his newborn son and I personally feel its because the baby doesn't favor him and it is wrong.

Answer 2

I think there is a difference between how you love your children and how you like your children. And that's how you can love them all the same, but still have a favorite. I think love doesn't come in amounts it's just there and is unconditional. But if your personalities clash or you've had special experiences with a certain child, then you can like them differently. That doesn't mean one child is better, it just means you get along with them better. The child probably feels the same way about that parent, too. As long as the child gets the same amount of attention and everything, this shouldn't be a problem. My first daughter is a Daddy's girl, my second daughter is a half Mommy's girl and half Daddy's girl, and my third daughter is a Mommy's girl. If a child can make these preferences what wrong with a parent making preferences also? As long as no one is getting hurt or left out in the process.

Answer 3

As the father of TEN children (eight of them girls!) I think I can be considered "something of an authority" on this!

Yes, I love every one of my kids equally - but I also have my "favorites" - this only APPEARS to be contradictory.

If, for example, some radical extremist were to abduct my kids and tell me I had to choose which was to die it would be a very difficult choice. I love all of them equally.

However, if some government official came to me and said they wanted one of my kids for a highly sensitive job, I would have very little trouble picking the most obedient, trustworthy, intelligent or what have you. Loving equally does not put blinders on the mind nor dictate ignoring personality traits nor rewarding poor behavior.

The legendary teaching of American pediatrician Benjamin Spock (NOT to be confused with "Mister Spock" of Star Trek fame) to the contrary, there is absolutely no injustice in rewarding good behavior and NOT rewarding poor. It is quite natural - and "right" that I should show more love and affection to the child who is obedient and trustworthy than the one who is rebellious and dishonest. It would seem, then, that the well behaved child was a "favorite" - most certainly if I had to choose which - but not both - to take with me to some great treat, I would justifiably, I think, take the one who was going to be the most pleasant company - the one I could trust to behave and not cause trouble. In that sense, she would be a "favorite".

It is important that all the children understand that their actions determine their rewards. One of my grown children now sets rules of reward and punishment and tells her children they have a choice - they can do what is right or they can do what is wrong, but they alone choose the consequences and must abide by their choice. Freedom of choice is much like spending money - once the choice has been made or the money spent, you often cannot go back and undo it. You cannot un-eat an ice cream cone any more than you can un-ring a bell.

After close to forty years of watching the results of my care, I note that the child who was the most trouble is now the one that tells her siblings, "Listen to your dad, he knows what he is talking about." The other children who are now grown, and have children of their own, have also learned from my MISTAKES and teach THEIR children far better than I did mine. Sometimes, I think, our children grow up well in SPITE of us. None the less, it is quite clear that society blames the parents when the child goes wrong, but acclaims how "lucky" the parents are when the child grows up right. Well, DUH! THAT's not fair!

One of my early terrible mistakes was treating #1 and #2 exactly the same - until I wised up. If #1 needed instruction, #2 got the same lesson at the same time - needed or not. Equal treatment is sometimes NOT FAIR!

#1 was BORN ornery, angry, and rebellious. #2 was sweet, loving and obedient. What kind of "justice" dictates I treat them the same? Love them equally, yes - treat them the same, absolutely NOT! #1 was intellectual - very bright, but contrary. #2 was emotionally structured. A loving hug and a plea would get her cooperation. #1 had to have a REASON to cooperate. Be it a stick or a carrot, there had to be a good reason - and often a carrot or a stick was not good enough - she needed an explanation as to WHY. Was #2 favored over #1? In physical love and affection, yes. She got more hugs and kisses - because she EARNED them. #1 got attention the hard way and got the kind of attention her actions earned - but both were fed and clothed and housed and educated as well as conditons would permit. Both are now grown mothers and each has a different approach to child rearing, but both have done well and their children are well adjusted and well behaved.

Love may be blind, but it doesn't have to be STUPID!

Answer 4

While all children should be treated equally (not necessarily similarly), it is practically impossible to have the same feeling, or kind of affection for each child. I tended to feel the most affection for whichever child was suffering most at the time! Because they needed it.
I cannot pretend that over all, I have always loved them equally. I have developed relationships that were closer with some than with others, at different times.
But if you asked me which one I loved the most, I couldn't really tell you. I would probably start saying: "this one ... no, that one..." because of different characteristics that strike my mind and heart in different ways. I don't think we should load ourselves with a burden of guilt.
Just make sure none of the children feel a reason to feel rejected, and if you feel a little more distant with one of the children than the others, then maybe it's time to do a little more work on developing that relationship.
However you have to take into account that certain temperaments fit better together.

Answer 5

It's not that they have a favorite as it is they get along better with one more than the other. Personalities are all different, and everyone, even parents, sometimes tend to "clash" a little with others, even their kids that they love with all their hearts. I love my kids with all of my heart, but out of 5 kids, there are some that have more similar personalities to mine then the others, which may seem to others as favoritism, but it's not. I love them all the same. (with every once of my soul!)

Answer 6

Because although some parents do say that there children are all the same some of them may have different health issues or problems that make outsiders think that they are favoring one particular child more than another one

Answer 7

First, I think that some parents probably find traits in their children that they particularly like or dislike. Every kid has his or her own quirks that make it easier or harder to deal with them. I think sometimes as parents we also see our own best and worst personality traits in our children... that can make us feel even closer (or not LOL) to our kids. I don't think that necessarily means we are playing favorites. It just means at certain times we particularly enjoy or particularly dislike our kids' behaviors.

It's impossible to analyze this... since each child is a unique individual, it would be impossible to say that you love them identically. That's like saying you love your mother & father identically, when the reality is you appreciate them in different ways. It doesn't diminish the love you have for either of them... it's the same kind of love but it's still different. I definitely think I love my children to the same extent. I can't imagine my life without either of them. But I still appreciate their unique qualities and respect their individuality. I try to love them each in the way they need to be loved rather than trying to love them identically. They each have different needs and I want to meet their individual needs rather than give them a one-size-fits-all kind of love. That's not love at all but a lazy approximation of love. JMO.

Answer 8

I would not say I have a "favorite".....They are both very different children with different needs, wants and personalities.....I certainly find one "easier" to get along with than the other.....Doesn't mean I LOVE one more than the other just that they are different and I DO love them different......They are both very special and unique little people and I would never trade them for any thing in the whole world!...

Answer 9

I only have one kid so I don't have first hand knowledge but I think most people I know have favorites even though they deny it because it's obvious to me that they do!

I think it's something that you can't help. You like some people more than others- that's just the way it is.

Answer 10

I dont think you love your kids EXACTLY the same. I have a boy and a girl and I love them in different ways, for different reasons. One is better than another at one thing, and vise versa. The amount of love I have for each is the same, but it is felt differently.

If you understand my meaning?