This one is complicated.?

Question

I have been with this guy for 15 months, we are engaged. But a lil over a week ago, he broke it off with me, said he needed "time to heal". From the pain I caused through-out the relationship. I didn't even know he was feeling this way, until he broke this off. But, anyhow. How can someone "heal" and cut off all forms of communication with the person they love. We have a had an extremly instense over charged VERY close relationship, on top of the fact he was my best friend for 3 yrs before we started going out. He has told me he needs to heal and we both need to do certain things before we can get back together and be "one" again. And next time it will be right. I mean it's so hard to sit here, and wait for him to call, when I don't even know how long. I feel so empty, alone, and completely drained of everything.. He also given back everthing I had given him, for the time being. He says he's still in love with me, I just never gave him time to heal. What I am suppose to do?

Answer 1

Do just what you are doing. Grieve, ponder, and grieve some more, and back way off. Put together a life without him even if you would like it to be temporary. Rebuild yourself from the outside in.

Analysis: I'm guessing that when you were just best friends there was complete honesty between you both. Well, that honesty is gone. You know there is more to it than what he's telling you. You know he's got a problem with you and he's not telling you what it is. Thus the honesty and the true intimacy was lost somewhere along the line as often times happens.

The fact that you describe it as "intense and over charged" also tells me that as these psycological forces do (at about the 15 month time frame) they stop pulling you together and end up reversing direction. The intense attraction can switch and push a person the other direction. The very qualities that caused him to be attracted to you may now be repelling him. Maybe you are a very passionate person with a lot of drive and intensity. Maybe he's more layed back and fun loving. He'd like to be more like you and having you gave him what he was lacking, but now all that passion and intensity has overloaded his emotional system and he is recoiling. (I'm just giving you an example -- you do the extrapolation for your own situation.)

There are some other dynamics that may also be going on. Consider the book I list below. It may help.

Also realize he's a guy. Men don't have the brain wiring to understand thier emotions like you do. You know what you feel and why. He may have no clue. All he knows is that things aren't right and he's got to get some distance to sort things out.

If there is to be healing, it must come from the kind of honesty and nonsexual intimacy you had as friends. This may be very difficult for you, but if you can listen to him, hear him, feel what he's feeling, then you can help him heal and in the process heal your own relationship.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

My initial response is, he's not being 100% honest with you here. From what you're saying, he was perfectly fine with the relationship and then all of a sudden needed to "heal." Uh uh, no way. Either something was brewing all along, and you ignored they signs, or he's moving on without you (and not being honest about the reason--maybe to protect/spare your feelings). It sounds like you guys have had some pretty major communication problems as well, since you weren't aware of his feelings. I would attempt to contact him, and try to get him to talk to you, I would even suggest couples counseling, especially if you're planning on getting married. I don't know what "things" he feels you guys need to do before you get back together again either, that to me sounds like code for he wants to "play the field," but have you waiting in the background to fall back on. His giving back everything you've given him sounds like some form of emotional blackmail as well. If I were you, I'd probably give him back the ring, and call it quits if he's not willing to meet you halfway and at least sit down and discuss the problems you have in your relationship. Because whatever he has to "heal" from, it's not going to happen unless both of you work on the relationship problems.

Answer 3

I don't get it. Do you even know what it is that you did that caused him this pain? Since he walked away, he's NOT dealing with it. It sounds like he's hiding from it. Since you've been with him for over a year, and were engaged, I'd probably wait a little while for him to figure out what he wanted. But I don't think I'd wait longer than a few months or so. He may never come around. It's more mature and healthy to work through problems together, instead of running away and hiding. I wish you luck.

Answer 4

that one is kinda tough. What was it so bad that you did to him to make him just out the blue want to leave and heel? I could be wrong but this is only my opinion, maybe he has cold feet an he wasnt really ready for all this marriage stuff. Because you have to work things out together in order for them to get back right, and by him giving back everything you ever gave him would make me think that he wanted to just call it quits. Most people would move on and say if he wants me he knows how to find me. But when you are in love this type of stuff is hard to cope with. All i can say is that you should follow your heart!!! If you feel that you should give him some time to heel and that you are willing to wait until his mind is free from wahtever and he is ready then you go a head and you do that, but dont put your life on hold for no one. because if he really loves you he will be right by your side so you two can go through this pain together. Its sounds like its something more to what he is trying to do, but if you love him and you want to wait for him you go ahead the choice is up to you....Try calling him and letting him know how all of this is making you feel.

Answer 5

You need to talk to him and if he is truly in love with you, he will be honest and tell you the truth behind what he is thinking. This is very odd that he just all of a sudden wants to take a break. Either he has found out something that you were hiding, he has cold feet and wants to see what you are going to do, such as begin dating someone else in his absence. Or he has someone else.
Give him some space, and he should be fine and hopefully mature enough to talk with you and tell you the truth about what is going on in his mind. Just be patient. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 6

Fist of all, and brutally honest here, it sounds like he fed you a busload of crap. He wants the freedom to do what he wants while you wait for him to "heal". Garbage.

The best way to "heal" would be to stay with you, communicate with you, and work through it. That shows a commitment to a relationship. That shows a commitment to you. He's not doing any of that. He wants his cake and to eat it too.

Second of all, do not put your life on hold for this guy or any guy. Live with him or live without him. He's having his moment, you should too.

Answer 7

This is really not complicated, give him what he's asking for TIME. In the mean time don't sit at home waiting for him to call find something or someone to occupy your time. If it's really all that you say it is, when he takes the time he needs things will be better.

Answer 8

Not much you can do! I mean if he feels he needs to heal you apparently did something pretty bad. I would say give him time, if its meant to be, he will be back. But, if you ever cheated on him, forget it, he cant get it out of his head, never will, and you should move on with your cheating self!

Answer 9

I hate to tell you but it sounds as if it's really over. I think him using this line that he has to heal is just his way of telling you that it's over. If he was really going to come back to you, he wouldn't have given you all of your things back.

Answer 10

that goes back to what you did to him , and why you feel you must hurt him in the first place, you will probaly have to wait , you can start writing little notes an mailing them to him just small little 2 liners saying i love an stuff and see what happens