choosing a place to live?

Question

dear all, i need your help....have you ever had problems about deciding where to live once you get married?i mean, how did you deal with a situation in which one partner wants to go back to his hometown (very little town) and live in his cousin's empty house...namely, i agreed with my fiance that we would not leave this city and rent an apartment HERE. Suddenly he comes and says that his cousin in his hometown offered him to live in his house for free until he gets a bank loan to buy an apartment. my fiance was thrilled with the idea.however, for me it is a TRAGEDY to go to work from one city to another town because i work 12 hours a day and dont want to sit and chat with the entire family of his that would out of boredom come and sit with us in the evenings. i would be for nothing after work. however, now he says i didnt give enough arguments. i told him i would be unhappy and really unhappy. now he is not answering the phone, he told me that he will not be the first one to call :(

Answer 1

Please please settle this before you get married.
You are being intimidated, and threatened......especially the not talking to you bit. That is abuse....and you will make yourself unhappier if you put up with anyone who trys to treat you that way.....whether fiance, boyfriend, neighbor, husband or father or so called friend.

It gets worse after you are married. Recognize the signs.

You have a Right to a Rocking Relationship. If you don't have that, you must make a decision that is right for you.

Don't let anyone intimidate, threaten or abuse you anymore. Take back control....and believe me...men are like buses....wait 15 minutes to 1/2 hour and another one comes along.

Your self esteem and self worth are being questioned. Please value your own opinion. It is unacceptable for another to act as if you are not a human being, and you have no right to where you work and where you life. It is unacceptable for anyone to say you need to defend yourself and you need to give someone else more arguments. Do you really want to argue for the rest of your life....and have someone hang up on your....and have someone walk away from you.....as if you are not human? Have you read the book, He's just not into you?....it's at the library.
Nah, don't think so.....and that is not healthy for you.

You have a Right To A Rocking Relationship....don't settle for anything less.

Remember 1 Corinthians 13, Love is Patient, Love is kind.....
...........from the Bible....
I don't see any kindness here....only demands for you to change...and that's now love...that's ownership.
You are not for sale, and neither is your love.

Answer 2

First off, if you are having issues before you get married, make sure they get resolved before hand, otherwise it may cause problems down the road.

ok, How bad is this tiny little town? Is it close enough to commute for you to a faster-paced environment?

It seems like you love the city life and he misses the rural life. Come up with a plan that will suit both of you. How aboout go live in this house for "free" ( good thing, free) to save money to get real place of your own, then maybe look in between the rural and the city life. Living in a city can become more expensive, but easier to commute to work. Living in the suburbs has its extras, not a lot of traffic, cost less to buy/rent but you could still commute.

Just remember there will always be times in your life thay you BOTH, have to give a little or in some cases a lot. But you both have to, not just one of you all the time. Keeping a relationship going is like a highway, two way communication, sometimes you have bumps/obsticles you have to overcome, but once you efficiently clear the mess up it will run smoothly again. No relationship is perfect and you always have to work at it otherwise is will not work well.

I also see that he wants you to call first as you said he wont be the first one to call. This to me sounds a little like a power struggle. He wants to win, at what, who knows life isnt a game. Just call him and leave him a message to meet you somewhere for coffee/lunch, something. This was hopefully you can get together talk and iron out all the wrinkles.

Good luck to you and remember we all have to give a little to get a little.

Answer 3

Unfortunately a lot of men base their decisions on money. He's thinking that this situation will give you guys a huge leg up. The problem is that he's still in his single person state of mind and only thinking about himself. It drives me nuts when both people contribute to the finances and should have equal give and take and the guy makes decisions unilaterally. When my husband and I married we lived in a huge city. A couple months in, we moved to a tiny little town for his job. The entire year that we've lived here...don't move to North Dakota by the way...I have been miserable. We're finally moving and I feel like I'm smiling for the first time in a year. Believe me, this is not a good way to start your marriage. The fact that he's not even talking to you about this decision makes him sound really selfish. Be very wary of anyone who gives you the silent treatment because it could be the first of many mind games.

Answer 4

He is childish and attempting to control you. You are not first in his life and probably won't be. Is this the way you want your life to be? Many couples are able to stand on their own two feet and work together as a couple. The fact that he is not calling you because of this is a sample of what your life would be with this man. My ex didn't want to live in my hometown because that is the place I wanted to live and he was the one who had to make the decisions. My hometown was a great place to live and raise children. But he wanted to live far away from everything, as to keep his control over me - thus, he is my ex husband. My current fiance knows that I need to stay in my town because of my children. And, although he is from and works in another state, he bought a house HERE because he loves me and wants me to be happy. That is the difference between being with a man (like mine) and a little boy (like yours). Which would you rather have?

Answer 5

well hon, all of these people are saying that your husband is being a selfish, childish jerk. But a lot of time men (Lord help us) change their minds without even thinking. My fiance will tell me one thing, and a week later has changed his mind completely. I've learned to, not take everything he says lightly, but to understand that there are probably a million different things going on in that man's mind and his plans or desires are bound to change. Marriage is going to take comprimise from both of you. Explain to him what you are feeling and be open minded to how he is feeling. Don't write off your marrage and asume it's doomed for failure. But if this is causing doubts you may want to take a step back and examine your relationship and its future. Just because you have a disagreement now does not mean your marriage will fail. All happily married people have numbers of conflicts. And that's okay. Conflict is part of having a relationship. It's how we chose to deal with it that makes all the difference. If you chose to be angry, resentful, and hurt, and not take the first step and call your man, things will be harder. I would suggest premarital counseling. This would help you both see and define how you envision your lives together and will help you communicate better. Pray for him. That's the best advice I could give you. And I don't mean that in a selfish kind of way. Pray for your relationship....God wants to hear about it. He cares about it. He cares about you. Let Him have control of the situation.

Good luck!

Answer 6

He won't answer the phone....how childish. I think the two of you need to take it easy on the marriage idea. If the two of you can't agree on something major like a house, then you seriously need to stop and think about what you are doing. You need to have communication with one another.

I don't really understand why you could just DEAL with living in a house for FREE your first year or so of marriage (RENTING IS A WASTE OF MONEY!!!!). If you stayed in his home for free, look at all of the money you would be saving.

I get up at 5am and don't get home till 5 or 5:30pm because of my commute. After I get married, I will have to tack on an additional 15 minutes to my drive because of the location of the home my fiance and I just bought.

You need to grow up, and HE does too!

Answer 7

Hervey Bay is an glaring determination with a huge whale watching industry. no longer likely rural, small coastal city... Hairdressing could nicely be accomplished regionally. yet Vet training, is Brisbane. it rather isn't any longer a approaches. Definately no snowboarding - no longer the iciness type besides! i might additionally evaluate some places extra south. the mild Coast or northern NSW (maybe in the direction of Byron Bay). There are whale watching excursions right here too throughout the time of the whale season (Humpback whales shuttle north from Antarctica to Hervey Bay area and back lower back) yet there additionally are opportunities to do non whale watching excursions in the "off" season...

Answer 8

It sounds like he has a strong bond with his family and doesn't want to turn down his cousin's kindness. Let him live in the house and you can live in an apartment in the city... It might not be the arrangement that you were looking for, but it will do for now...

Answer 9

You know what?....I don't see any reason to call him at all...I am not trying to be mean but he sounds like a childish gerk and marrying him sounds like it is going to be a HUGE mistake, if you are having issues with compromise now, it will only get worse.....
I know that isn't what you want to hear but he sounds like an idiot, can't you do better than that?.......alone would be better. Sounds like you work hard enough, you don't want him as a second job do you?....he sounds like a whole lot of drama....good luck.

Answer 10

emmm, If i were you, i could stay with your husband in that small town, and try to shorter your working hours, move to the big city until you got bank loan, it wouldn't take too long, right? Your partner is lucky to have a cousin who can offer the free stay :)