I have been divorced for three months, seperated for six. I was in an abussive relationship. My outlook 95% of the time is possitive,I'm a strong person, and I have left the past behind me. 5% of the time, I have my moments. (pretty normal,considering) How long would you say I should wait to tell a man this after we were dating? I feel it should be something I bring up after the first date, but some friends of mine are saying I should wait a while. To me, I'd rather be upfront and honest, but to my friends, they say it's too soon and would freak out most men. What do you guys think?
2006-11-20 15:42:06 · 12 answers · asked by freedove06 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It's not important until it becomes an issue.
Say you go out on a date and everything's cool. No problem. No reason to bring it up.
But say your date does something that brings back the (painful) past. (It doesn't have to be anything *wrong*, just something that reminds you - like maybe playing a song you associate with being thumped.) Then you have a decision: Handle your own discomfort, or share the reason why you are uncomfortable.
Everyone's got psychological baggage (unless they're too young to have experienced anything). But early in a relationship is the time to show what's *right* with you - not put your neuroses on display.
If I were out on a first date with a woman and she started off with, "My ex used to beat me", I'd have to ask, "What? Are you saying you want me to beat you too? Or are you saying you are afraid I might beat you? Or... Why are you even bringing this up?"
Sounds to me like you have some stuff that still needs working out in your OWN head before you start laying it off on someone else.
2006-11-20 15:59:08 · answer #1 · answered by wraith 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I would at least wait until you see the relationship going somewhere. To hear this from a woman on the first date would kinda be inappropriate. On a first date "IT IS" important to get to know the other person, but some things should come later down the road. The first date should be fun, not dropping secrets or bad habits...etc, it's an initial meeting amongst two people and you should only be discussing "lite" subjets.
2006-11-20 16:17:54 · answer #2 · answered by locowherto 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been divorced before and entered into another relationship soon afterward and it was a mistake. Not that the relationship was bad. You need time to heal and be alone. Its tough but after a divorce things are different and it takes time to heal. I have heard that a minimum of a year is required and it makes sense to me. Since I do have some experience with this and have spent time asking many questions (both friends and councelors) and have concluded that people shouldnt even date. Friendships are the way to go and if a guy doesnt understand that then should you even bother with him. Good luck and take time to yourself.
2006-11-20 16:13:21 · answer #3 · answered by adventure96 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the first date is too early to be disclosing something this personal about yourself. Sometimes first dates go no further than first dates. I think as you get to know someone better you will decide when the right time is to share your past with him. Dating is all about getting to know someone better....so take your time and when you meet someone and begin to have strong feelings about the other person, then would be the time to disclose this information in an honest manner. Most guys are perceptive and can pick up hints about a girl's past. Your actions around a guy will give off certain vibes about past relationships. Trust your instincts about the proper time to disclose.
2006-11-20 15:53:27 · answer #4 · answered by aew 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am female , but I do have an opinion about your situation, ( I hope you don't mind) I understand that you have been in a really bad situation, but I think one week is way too soon. I think that he may think that you have too many problems, (mentally), and he may not want to have a relationship with someone who is not over their past. I think that you should wait AT LEAST 1 month before getting too personal. If you need to talk to someone, you should confide in a close long time freind, someone you know you will not scare away for now.
2006-11-20 15:58:43 · answer #5 · answered by Blue eyes 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen to your friends, there right. By bringing this up on the first date you will scare away most men. Only a man who has been in a similar situation, or who himself was abused would understand. I say its best you wait a few dates.
2006-11-20 15:48:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The wife and I did a speed Q&A on the first date. I don't like wasting time and guessing what mood she's in and she said the same. We both knew what we wanted and found someone that wanted to stick around despite all the past crap.
So...the right guy for you would want to know on the first date.
2006-11-20 15:47:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bring out all your baggage on the first date so both people know where they stand and you're not wasting anybodys time.
2006-11-20 15:53:45 · answer #8 · answered by WestCoastin4Life 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that the sooner the better so you can see what his reaction would be. If he cares for you it really won't matter to him. I think I would want to know very soon after we started dating..
2006-11-20 15:45:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmmm I am 29...what part are you talking about saying? The abusive part...I would never bring that up, no use...as far as having your moments...well we all do but if they are like psychotic moments, well maybe you shouldnt date til you get that cleared up...
2006-11-20 15:47:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋