Coping with memories of child abuse?

Question

I was sexually molested until I was 15 by my step grandfather. I never told anyone until two years ago. I thought telling someone would make it better but my world has just fallen apart since then. My grandmother refused to believe me, along with several family members, and have basically disowned me for speaking out. My immediate family has stood by me, but since then I'm constantly depressed and sad, often breaking into hysterical, uncontrolled crying for no apparent reason (this last week it's been every day). Even worse, I've become extremely fearful about being separated from my mother. I'd been on my own for 4 years and all of the sudden I just can't do it. My job is suffering, I can't lose this job but I'm not emotionally fit to keep going and I don't know any way to tell my boss what is happening. I'm trying medication and therapy but it isn't working. I tried to find a support group in my area but nothing came up. Please help.

Answer 1

Stop crying. I am not saying that that wasn't sad and I am not saying you shouldn't cry, but you've got to stop thinking about things that happened in the past.

It's a crazy notion propogated by the society, that when someone sexually abuses you, he/she makes you impure. It's wrong. You are not responsible for the things that were forcibly done to you. You are as pure as you were when you were a kid. The other guy has sinned; it's his fault. If you constantly cry and be unhappy, you are only punishing yourself for something that was never your fault anyway. Not fair to you AT ALL.

Forget about the past and relatives who just don't care about your feelings. Who wants such nasty people to love you anyway?

Look at today. You've got a job. You probably support yourself well. I am proud of you. Now only if you stop crying and see that you don't deserve to be unhappy, you'll be perfect. :)

Smile!

Answer 2

I am so sorry. I was raped by my baby sitter's son when I was five and suppressed the memories until I was 16. Unfortunately, I didn't have a lot of luck with counseling alone and have been on anti-depressants for more than 10 years now. Luckily I have found the right combination and with pretty intense therapy (up to 3 or more times a week), I was able to cope. I still think about it a lot, but my parents have been a great support for me through the years and now I have my husband. My very close friends know about it and let me talk about it whenever I need to, which is very important. I hate that you feel worse now that you have spoken up, since it's supposed to make you feel better. It will get better, I promise. All I can say is hang in there, know that I'm here if you need to talk. What you are going through is very normal. While you may not be able to tell your boss everything, maybe explain that you are having some medical issues and may need some time off? Hopefully your employer will work with you and help you get the time off you need to help get back on your feet. Good luck!

Answer 3

I'm sorry you were treated badly when you were growing up. I, too was abused by a family member, but it was and still is verbal abuse which some people don't see it as the same type of abuse.

Here, let me put it like this: My one family member was and still is my abuser. Although I am being verbally abused, it still hurts. I can understand your point to where no one would believe you, as my sister tells me that the family member never tried to kill me. That I am making that part up. Because if it happened my sister would remember it.

Family members and those that love us tend to block out those hurtful things that went on in our lives that are too hard for them to have to look back on.

I can also understand the disowning part in your family as when i asked about the strangling incident, I was looked at as if I had spiders crawling out of my face. Even to this day, my family members tell me that I am lying about that incident. But if I were lying, then how come I can remember the time on the clock, the way the room was set up, the hair-do of the person hurting me and so on? To me, it's not make believe when all the puzzle pieces fit into place.

You have a job? That's great!! Not everyone in your situation can work. You say your having fearful events about being separated from your mother? That's only normal when your grandmother won't except you. Your looking for the motherly type and the grandmotherly type you can't get from the natural grandmother. As for your boss? Your boss doesn't have the time to listen to your problems, they have their own to deal with. However, I'm sure if you were to go to your doctor and say to them that you're having some medical/mental problems and need some time off of work, that the doctor would see where you stand on your medical or mental stage and help you get some time off of work so you can gather your thoughts and get back into the swing of things again. We're only talking maybe a week or two at the most. You never know, that just might be the trick in your whole situation.

Answer 4

I know this is really hard. I was also abused as a child. Keep up on the therapy and medication. I know it seems like it isn't working, but it will over time! .....just don't miss any of the doses and keep on with the therapy every week or every other week as needed.....you won't notice a drastic change. ....the changes will occur very slowly, and you will find yourself slowly coping better with the issue.

You will always hurt, though. The pain of child abuse can't be treated with any medication. You feel betrayed and disowned by your family, and rightfully so. If your extended family refuses to believe you, that is their problem. Do not let it bother you. Keep those who are supportive of you close...keep those who are hurting you away. You therapist should have already discussed this with you. He/she should also be functioning as a source of support, while also teaching you how to cope with the pain of abuse.

Also, I want to note that not all psychologists are the same....if this one does not seem to work for you, please find another one until you do. There is nothing wrong with that!

Answer 5

I believe your reactoin is normal. Think about it.

Hvae you ever had something really good happen to you? You were excited that it was going to happen, you enjoyed it when it happened, but afterwards you felt sort of let down, depressed as it were? This is kind of the same thing only different.

You kept the secret for soo long. Built up all these defenses in side, constructed your self into a fake person sort of, so you could live the lies. Now the secret is out. You have to discharge all that negative energy you build up. You have to sort of rebuild you. And how you look at the world. You made a major life change.

A couple suggestions for you. First take great care with the medication. The SSRIs ( selective sertonine reuptake inhibitors) what they call anti-depressants these days , on some people make depression worse, much worse. If the meds you are taking don't work resist letting the doctors change you from pill to pill. particuarly if they are the SSRIs. You can set the stage for a chemical imbalance that can take a very long time to get over.

I don't know what kind of therapy you are in but I would be willing to bet you need treated for Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Look you dealt with the secret for years and apparently were able to function. Allow yourself some time to adjust. You have years of emotions you shoved into a big sack and carried them around on your back. Now you are unloading. Give your self a chance and you will get back to normal.

Ask your therapist about a support group. The kind of support group you want is probaly not advertised on the net. Check your local phone book for a crisis hotline. They may be able to put you on to some support groups.

If you can't find a support group for people who suffered sexual abuse try something else, depression, anxiety, recovery, etc. I am sure you would beneift from any support group with an upbeat attitude. After all the sexual abuse you suffered as a child is not all there is to you.

I realize this has had a terrible effect on your life. Two people close to me suffered abuse as children. I have seen their pain as they, as adults, have grappled with the aftermath of the abuse. But it is possible to come to terms with it. YOU survived the worse and I am certain you will come to terms with this. After all look at how far you have come already!

Try your local library for self help books. And perhaps take a little bit of your time and volunteer for something. Frankly getting your mind off you and onto others will help. You might also try finding some help tapes. Point is you know you best, Get creative at figuring out ways to help yourself over come all this.

As I said I have witnessed how childhood sexual abuse has effected others. I am so sorry this happened to you. But you have stepped out of the shadows and your future realy is bright now.

The very best of luck to you. I have faith you will find ways to move on.

Answer 6

My best friend was abused by her uncle when she was young and the hardest part of it for her was her whole family calling her a liar. They eventually realized that she was telling the truth and went to the police. No matter how long ago it happened you still have that option. It may help you to put it behind you. Medication will only block out your feelings rather than help you overcome them. It is a terrible thing for anyone to go through. Speak to your doctor and see if you can take some time off work until you feel up to it. You still have the support of your family. Speak to whoever you are closest to and ask them for help. As for your boss he or she has a duty to do whats best for their employees. You don't have to go into details with them but remember everything you say to them should be in confidence. I hope you feel better soon and keep looking for that support group. I'm sure you'll find one xxx

Answer 7

Hi, the topic you threw was really catching my eyes. Though I don't have such kind of experience you have been through, as a new mum, I am also alerted about this and got to learn from this site to teach my kids how to keep away from those strange people around us. For your problem which is psychological one, as I predict you might be over 20 or something like that age and you got to try to encourage yourself to skip the frame of the memory of your past childhood time. Be brave. If your grandpa still alive, you can talk with him and get load off from your chest about how he hurt you. ( Guess he might be old enough not able to fight with you anymore) I know it needs a lot of courage, but he is the one who hurt you and you got fight it back for your own sake. Everyone has bad memory of the past, but the mainpoint is how you deal with that. You could treat it as garbage, simplely throw it away to the trash can of your mind that is what I did. Life is too short, you kept crying over your past, then there will be not much pretty future. Learn to skip it and face it and deal with it and learn how to protect your own promising kids as welll. Do not bring any personal emotions or feelings toward your job!! It is very dangerous if you doing some health job. Also you could go to Orphra site or Dr.Phil to see whether if there is a real feasible way to cure your problem. Be brave, girl. You are lucky to have an understanding husband, but you got to bear in mind that no one ever stand for one who is always in depressed or low for a long period of time.

Answer 8

that's been see you later, i do not imagine about it a lot anymore. It has honestly formed many of the un-trusting human being who i'm at present, and infrequently the concepts do come flooding again and leave me in soreness, notwithstanding it receives extra accessible basically to comb them off, fantastically at the same time as lots of the abusers have regarded their blunders.

Answer 9

it's sad...but please try to forget..i may not have experience that kind of life but i know how that feels....just think that there's always someone up there that's taking care of you until now...that person is God Himself..don't think that the world is turning against you...try to forget those harmful memories... there are many people out there who can help you..your friends.... your family...just be grateful for the fact that there's someone who's there with you... don't think about the past...just keep moving forward with a smile! please try reading this book..the title is "falling leaves" and another one is "tuesday's with maury" hope this can help you...for a bookworm like me reading is the only way i can forget all my pains and suffering(mostly at school), remember that God is always there with you...pray hard....whatever they've done to you it will come back to them...that's karma and also life's always full of chalenges that's just part of life....we'll just have to overcome them...that way we can be stronger