Please help with good advice?

Question

My daughter dumped her nice boyfriend again for the second time. He really does love her very much. She dumped him for a guy in her senior year. She turned 18 and moved out with this new boyfriend and left him to go back with the first boyfreind and came back home. They have been dating for about 2 months and she dumped him again to date a man 28 years old with 3 children. I am trying very hard to remember that we all do bad things when we are young but what upsets me so bad is that when she moved back home the only thing i ask her to do was if she was going to be later than 12:00 to call and let me know who she is with and where she is. She has lied to me and told me Saturday that she was going with a freind from work to watch barrell racing. 2:00 a.m. i started trying to call her to see if something had happen and when she findly answered i am almost home. I found out tonight that she was at the mans house until 2:00. I am so mad at her for doing this but i am angry at the 28 yr.old

How do i deal with this. If she was older and more muture i can deal with it alittle better. They work together and to me it is embrassing because my husband's brother works in the same place and if this guy talks they will all know that my 18 year old daughter stayed there at his house until 2:00a.m. I am more angry at her for lying and she left and spent the night with her grandmother so she would not have to deal with this at home. She says that her grandmother knows but she is worse than me.

She does not understand that if she does not let me know who she is with and something happens to her how am i going to find her? I wish that she just understand why it is important to tell the truth. She has been a good girl so far but now she is stepping over the line. I hate this man and i have never even met him. She knew how i would react and she says that is why she did not tell the truth. I told her i do not care who she sees (but i do) she is 18 and i can not tell her what to do. All i care about is that she is safe. I love her

She does not understand that if she does not let me know who she is with and something happens to her how am i going to find her? I wish that she just understand why it is important to tell the truth. She has been a good girl so far but now she is stepping over the line. I hate this man and i have never even met him. She knew how i would react and she says that is why she did not tell the truth. I told her i do not care who she sees (but i do) she is 18 and i can not tell her what to do. All i care about is that she is safe. I love her

Oh my god today it got worse. My mother paid me a visit where i work and informed me she knew what was going on. I was shocked and very very mad. I am sitting at home worried to death when my daughter did not come home on time and i found out today that my mother knew where she was the whole time. I began to talk loud and as i did i got madder and madder and i said I got to go. I walked away from my mother. I have never done that. She said that they did it cause they knew i would be upset. Well i wish that people would understand that all i wanted was the truth to be told. So many things can go wrong with a young lady out that time of night and to be with someone that she does not know well and i would not know where to start looking for her if she did not show up. I am so angry at them for lying. I do not care on the outside who she dates on the inside is different but she does not know how angry i am about the 28 year old. We all make mistakes and i have too. Come on give me a break

I walked away from my mother cause i love her and i did not want to say something that would hurt her feelings. I can not remember the last time i got that mad. I have to find a way to deal with the anger cause she is my mother. I guess the hard part of this one is that you trust your mother and always exepect them to tell the truth. I could not talk to her anymore today cause i was so mad. Help is needed again.

Answer 1

Seems like she is making some bad decisons Mom! But you are allowing them and at the same time trying to restrict them! You can't do both. Hard mission as her Mother.

Advice: She has made the transition from needy child to adult situations. BUT, she is now back in YOUR home? You can instill a curfew regardless of her age out of respect to the peace of mind in your own home. Demand that she respect that! Stick to it, or she should locate her own level of permission by moving out or the boyfriend needs to allow her to move in with HIM! And he probally won't (let's hope) I don't agree with the 28 year old Father of 3 dating an 18 year old at all.

You absolutely can NOT balance what you want for your daughter and what she wants for herself. Requiring a time frame for her to be home is different from when she was strickly under your wing.

The rules change when she becomes a house quest, self sufficent and reliable to her word. Sit her down, talk to her, explain your thoughts and concerns. Give her the ground rules for returning home. Give her a time frame for making her way back out of her parents home. 6 months should be sufficent.

She lies due to her feeling like an adult, but still answering to Mom. Tell her she is an adult, but living with Mom, thus she does have certain obligations toward the family.

I understand your anger Mom. Give allowances, take no acceptions.

Answer 2

I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this. As a mother, your pain is deep.

She is 18. And if she wants to live with you, she needs to adhere to your rules. If she wants to move out and be responsible for her life, then let her.

It's easy for me to say that it really needs to be this cut and dry. My only consolation to you is that if you keep "enabling" her poor attitude, she will not become accountable for her actions. She won't grow. She'll always know that she can run back to you when things get tough.

My advice? Change the locks. Put her stuff on the lawn or wherever, and tell her: Once you have your act together, you can come by. Until then, you're on your own.

You'll see. She'll come around. It may be a few months or a year or whatever, but the lesson she needs to learn is out there. She's no longer your responsibility if she wants to dishonor you.

Best of luck!

Answer 3

One simple statement: My house, my rules. She needs to honor your wish that she call you if she's going to be out past 12. Other than that, you can give her advice about who she dates, but let her know that you just don't want her to learn the hard way. Let her know you are concerned that 28 year old man with 3 kids has no business with an 18 year old and that she probably doesn't want to be responsible for those 3 kids so she needs to think about what she's doing. But it is her own life and either way ( by listening to you or learning the hard way) she will learn. Good luck. And remember, your house, your rules! 12midnight or you're out of luck!

Answer 4

Be there for her and attempt to get her to communicate over consisting of her mum and dad... by her talking to them provides her extra thoughts on wether or not she needs to save it or perhaps adoption she has extra thoughts now than she will be able to later. Her mum and dad will locate out finally purely make confident that is now to not overdue. And be a very good chum and attempt to assist/handbook her to make the options she needs and by no potential what anybody "needs" her to do because she am has to regulate it in a lengthy time period in existence no count number what she comes to a decision... and prefer the female formerly reported her mum and dad will improve to the idea and certain there's a danger they'll free it besides the undeniable fact that the received't damage her or the toddler. So inspire her to make her judgements which will income her contained sooner or later.

Answer 5

She is 18 now so I hate to tell you that you really have no control of her choices. We all take our own time to realize how life works. She will only learn by living. It is hard to sit back and watch our children make mistakes that we feel we can stop them from if they would only listen. One thing you do have control over is when she is living under your roof she must obey your rules, if not she needs to make other living arrangements. It is hard to detach yourself like that but sometimes that is the only answer. Good Luck!

Answer 6

the more you nag the more she rebel so you let her move back in with you and i know you are concern where she is at and who she is with but i tell you like i told mines i know you want to act grown and i have rules in this house you aren't paying any bills here you are staying here free of no charges but i demand respect from you or you can go on your own and you must follow my rules and don't back down to her and then she will take you more serious cause she already knows she can run home when ever so be strong and put your foot down good luck

Answer 7

She needs to listen to you before it is too late. The fact is that many teens/kids will not listen unless something is forcing them too. This force could be saying that she can't live with you if she keeps dating this man, or if she keeps staying out late without calling. Let her know that you mean business and that as long as shes living under you roof, you have the absolute authority.

Answer 8

The more that you complain about this guy; the more she will overlook his flaws including his 3 kids just to prove a point to you.

I doubt it's even about the guy. Let her get her fill of 3 kids and what a 28 y/o father of 3 is all about. She will gladly dump him in due time.

The less you talk about it. And you don't have to admit that you like it. Just let it run it's course.....the sooner she will jump ship with Mr. Mom.

Answer 9

There is no reason to be angry at the 28 year old....age has no understand of the heart. Tell your daughter to call me and I shall set her straight. If I don't, I will give you my life savings. Good luck, Jack

Answer 10

You're entitled to ask her to move out again. She's an adult and sure wants to act like one. Let her have the responsibility that comes with the privileges.