How do I console the man who molested me?

Question

When I was seven, my 17 year old uncle molested me. It wasn't a violent rape. I do not hate him, and I even found out that he had also been constantly molested by his father his whole young life. Now I am 37. I recently talked to him by phone for the first time since that day he molested me. He cried and kept saying how sorry he was. I told him that I loved him and that I have long ago forgiven him, and that God will forgive him and comfort him too, if he asks God to. But no matter what I said, he insists that God hates him for what he did and that he will never go to heaven and God will never forgive him. What can I say to show that God understands his heartache and cares for him and will forgive him? I can't seem to get through to him and it breaks my heart.

Answer 1

He needs to be told that God's gift of unconditional love and forgiveness NEEDS his part to be fulfilled. That God is unconditional love and forgiveness and that it's only your uncle's ego voice that is telling him otherwise. He needs to know that our egos drown out the voice for God and our egos make God into something He's not by demanding that we can't be forgiven and that we need to continue to punish ourselves. This is ego madness. Maybe if he can be told that the best gift he can offer God and you would be to accept forgiveness, stop condemning himself, and to let the past go. As for you, amen, my brother. AMEN. When I hear stuff like this, it makes me feel hope. Thanks for making my night.

Answer 2

I thought I was going to be outraged by your question, but he was a kid too and he should seek forgiveness from you and accept your forgiveness. Taking it so far as to rape you is really extreme. I am completely appauled that this is incest because he should be in prison. If he is still infatuated with kids, touches kids, or fantasizes about touching kids (not uncommon), then he needs to be castrated. If he realizes how screwed up what he did is and he would never ever do it to someone else, then he should accept forgiveness. And it is not wrong of you to ask him if he is molesting children or has done it since. If he is not ok, he needs to get help and seek help before he scars and messes up another child's life. I am pretty touchy about this subject. I hope this makes sense and helps.

Answer 3

Not to offend you in any way, but you seem to be very misguided. God is not going to change a thing about the behavior of this person. Have you ever heard of the words "pathological behavior" For whatever reason he did this to you as a child does not just go away. He has probably done it to countless other young girls at any opportunity he gets. If you have young female children I hope you never think of leaving them with this person alone.
Frankly your question is baffling! What are you thinking? Again no offense, but Christians get so wrapped up in all the God stuff that they seem to no longer be able to see anything with the clarity of common sense and seem to think belief in God solves all problems. In your case thinking that a man that molested you as a child can be cured by turning to God. I find this very scary and very sad!

Answer 4

This may be beyond your ability to do. You have already done an incredible thing by offering him forgiveness and consolation.

You might remind him that if YOU don't hate him, then GOD doesn't hate him. After all, who is greater, you or God?

Nobody earns forgiveness. Not the little kid swiping candy in a store, or the adulterer, or the murderer, or the foul-mouthed brat.

Answer 5

You're joking, right?
He's using your religion against you and his childhood as an excuse.
So he was molested and I feel horrible for him but, that makes it alright to excuse his perpetration against you?
I was beat as a child. Truth is, I deserved most of them because I was rotten. Into everything. Pain association was all that worked for me but, I don't go around beating my kids.
If you want to forgive him, that's up to you but, he's got to forgive himself and you can't help him with that. A guilty conscience is a great deterrent to repeat behavior. At least he recognizes that whereas MOST molesters don't.
You've done all you can. What's he expect, some sort of touchy feely reunion?
At the least, I'd keep my kids away from him. He knew right from wrong at 17 and he has your mind twisted (or you've done it to yourself) into believing that as a minor, he wasn't responsible for his actions.

Answer 6

He is a very sad and confused person.
You are very forgiving. Alot of people wouldn't be so.
But you can't take on board any more personal, psychological torment he may be feeling. You've tried your (forgiving) best.
I hope he seeks help.
I hope he hasn't done the same thing to anyone else.
Your faith has given you strength and forgiveness, his lack of self-respect and self-worth diminishes his faith.
It takes a special person to forgive something like this.

Answer 7

Explain to him the need for repentance. It isn't just that act that's keeping him from God, it's the numerous acts of sin that damn us anyway.

Simply explain that repentance (turning away from all sin) and trusting in Christ is necessary for forgiveness and comfort. Explain to him that we've all fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) not just him and that Christ's death and resurrection paid the sin debt for what he has done.

You must realize then that the decision is his and you can't do it for him. Bless you.

Answer 8

I don't have any experience in this area, but it sounds like he needs confirmation that God still loves him. Maybe talking to a priest or a minister would help. Or seeing him face to face would prove to him that you've forgiven him. Good luck.

I'd like to add that what he did was wrong and it's not your responsibility to make him feel better. If you are not able to get through to him, do not feel guilty.

Answer 9

Wow, That is not a easy one to forgive,Bless You. pray for him, send Him a long letter or a card with a pray included.There is
something about the written word,really makes a difference.I wish you both the best.

Answer 10

You have done that which is almost impossible and that is to forgive someone who greatly wronged you. Hopefully, through your example he may be able to forgive his attackers and himself.

He may or may not be "sincere" in his apparent discomfort, many who commit horrific crimes are ONLY sorry because they got caught. I hope for his sake that he can forgive himself and move forward.

Good luck.

Peace.