Would you confront the parent of your child's bully?

Question

My son is 13 and on the Autistic scale. He goes to a mainstream school.
He is bullied daily by a group of lads in his class. We have been to the school several times and demanded that they sort this out.
I see one of the main perpitrators parents when I pick up my son from school.
I want to tell them to get their son to leave mine alone...but I fear I may lose my temper....has anyone done this?
What happened, or would you confront a bully's parent?

You have all given me very informative answers.
I cannot choose a best answer, as every one of you had a valid point.
I must put this out to vote.
Many thanks to you all!!!!

Answer 1

I would definately confront the parent(s). I think you should also go to the school board if they aren't protecting your child. You should advocate for a zero tolerance bullying policy.

Answer 2

If you must confront the parents, please schedule a meeting between the principal/ superintendent/ board and the parents. This isn't likely to solve much, however, because a significant enough portion of the time, the parents bully the child then the child bullies other students. I'm not familiar with your local laws, but in some cases you may actually be creating an even bigger problem by confronting the parents, as they can construe this as harassment. There's really no way you can make them make their child leave your child alone.

The only time you should get the police involved is if all other action has failed within the school and the bullying is serious (IE. the student is making threats of physical harm against your child) and will make the bullying less likely to occur. You are more likely to get somewhere with a solicitor's advice and action than taking it upon yourself.

Steps you can take right now is to send a letter to the board outlining the problem and people involved, citing specific incidents, when and where they occurred, what your child did or didn't do, what the other child did and didn't do, and send it certified return receipt mail to the school. This way you have proof that you notified the school. The more detail you can provide, the better.

Best of luck to you and your son.

Answer 3

First, don't give up on the school. If they refuse to do something about it, and you should get what they did in writing, then I would go to the administration offices, and from there to an attorney. DO NOT let the school wash their hands of their responsibilities in this to you and your son.

When I taught, I was often accosted by parents demanding that I stop the bullying and they refused to believe me when I explained that I didn't know it was going on until they came to me. Once I did know, however, I gave a stern talk to the class and a stern private talk to the bully(ies). I also spoke to the victim and asked why he hadn't told me and asked that he tell me in the future, making sure he understood that he could find a quiet moment to do it and didn't have to do it in front of the class.

Something needs to be done. I was teased a lot growing up and the effects have stayed with me even to this day. It is not just a "kid's thing" that they will get over easily. The school needs to be held accountable.

Second, yes, I would have to say something. I understand you are afraid that you may lose your temper; you will have to fight that. As a teacher, there were many confrontations with parents when I had to hold my temper. Losing it, though, would have made things much worse. The school should have arranged a meeting with all of you so that they could act as a mediator, but I couldn't not say something to the parent. Good luck!

Answer 4

I have not approached other parents - but my kid is not Autistic. My blood just boils to think that your child is being picked on daily by a group of kids.

You're right - you DON'T want to lose your temper. I think it would be best if you can approach the parent and tell them calmly - what's going on - and tell them that you know "boys will be boys" and all of that - but it's very disturbing and hard for your child. My guess is that they will more than likely be horrified that their child is behaving in this manner - especially towards a special needs child.

What's up with the school that they have not reprimanded these boys? If they refuse to do anything at the teacher level - go to the principal. If the principal doesn't help - go a step above him. Keep moving up until something is done OR they can show you in writing what their policy is on bullying and how they are doing all they are supposed to do according to the school district and the rules made by the school board.

I wish you luck & send you blessings!

Answer 5

WE HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM!!! My nephews son is 14 and autistic. I have such a problem with mainstreaming these children. Kids can be so cruel and no matter how hard the schools try to keep on top of things they just cannot be there 24-7. He gets bullied all the time bless his heart. I think I would try to set up a meeting with the parents and be very nice and just express your concerns and ask for their understanding and help. It may work and then again it may not. Sometimes when you meet the parents you understand real quick why their kids are the way they are. It's worth a try though.

Answer 6

If nothing is being done by the school,then i would confront the parents,but do it with another person present to keep things straight.
My son was being bullied recently,and apparently it had been going on for some time.It wasn't until my son stood up in his class,and said `i wish all you blacks would flip off back to your own country`,that anyone realised the extent of the bullying.
I was called in to see the headmistress,and actually told the extent of the circumstances.
She was very fair,and said she didn't condone what my son said,but she could understand why he'd said it.
I know she called in all the parents of those involved,and some i believe were excluded,but it doesn't really change anything,as he has to face those kids everyday.
As things are now out in the open,the teachers and the kids are keeping an eye out for my son,and I've noticed an improvement in his behaviour as well.

Answer 7

If it was my child I would first go through all the school has to offer. You could even go to district if you have to. If that didn't work, I was ask for a meeting with the parents. Maybe they don't even know that their kids are doing this. You could meet with the parents in the school office that way you know it's safe for all involved. I certainly wouldn't allow my temper to take over. My son gets bullied too because he's so little compared to the other students. Many times I speak to the teacher and that seems to stop it but he's still in grade school. I have contacted the school district before and got very satisfying results.

Answer 8

First of all....do not confront.
confrontation is only asking for a problem
Tell the school that you want them to sit up a meeting between the bullies parents and the children at the school.
If need be tell the school your lawyer will be the next called if it is not done.
At this meeting do not become confrontational. Have the teachers and principal all come together and get this sorted out. Do not scream, demand, or use any type of bad language. Adults now need to sit down and talk not stand up and yell, that is what is already happening between the kids
If nothing is done....lawyer time

Answer 9

I would definitely confront the child's parents. If they play the "my little angel would never" card tell them yes he has and if it does not stop immediately that you will be going to the police to file charges. Don't just threaten it either, if the parents don't do anything about it file charges.
My son is going through some rough stuff in school but the school doesn't acknowledge it. My son is terrified because he doesn't feel safe and refuses to tell me their names do to repercussions from the bullies. When he told the teachers and they did nothing the bullies kicked it up a notch for tattling so now he won't speak at all. I wish I knew who the kids were because I wouldn't be so nice as to talk to the parents, I would just press charges.

Answer 10

Please don't confront the parents. Children learn their behaviors from the adults that they are around usually, and chances are the parents aren't going to be receptive to your concerns. They'll probably say "oh, they're just kids...or whatever."

Since the school isn't helping you out (and actually, what can they do...if they don't see it, and no one else is witnessing, it's his word against your sons), then go to the Youth officer at your local school. He can get involved by speaking to the parents of the bully as well as the bully himself. Chances are the 2 have already met. You have to do something, but your biggest priority is protecting your son. While not making excuses for the bully, does he (or any of his classmates) really understand what autism is and how it manifasts itsself? Victims, whose parents try to fix the problem, tend to be treated worse after the confrontation by the parent of the victim. Be careful. You may have to consider teaching your son to walk the other way and a really good counselor can help that.

School board could help, however again...without witnesses, it's he said/he said. Of course, if you hear it, you can speak to the kid yourself, but that has consequences too. Good luck to you sweetie. I feel for what you're going through. My daughter was the victim of a nasty rumor that got out of control. Fortunately, it's over now and she's in a really good place in her life, but as her parent, it hurt and gave the feeling of total helplessness. I wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue.

Answer 11

I would confront them in a diplomatic way. Don't just walk over and start yelling at them, that won't achieve anything (chances are the parent in question knows nothing of the situation, how would you like if another parent confronted you in an aggressive manner). Calmly ask them if you can have a word, explain the situation and then state that you wanted to make them aware of it. The ball is then in their court.

If the school has done nothing to help, there are steps you can take. First see the head teacher. If nothing is resolved, bring the matter up to the school board. No results? Look up your nearest board for education or similar, depending where you live. Don't give in.