19 months old and full blown temper tantrums are driving me nuts!?

Question

My daughter is 19 months old and has trouble communicating. She says about 20 words and is more active physically than verbally. The doctor says she is fine but I am having the hardest time getting speech out of her. The frustration results in tantrums. Any suggestions to get her speech going?

Answer 1

Don't lose your cool. A tantrum is not a pretty sight. In addition to kicking, screaming, or pounding the floor, your toddler's repertoire may include throwing things, hitting, and even holding his breath to the point of turning blue. When your child is swept up in a tantrum, he's unlikely to listen to reason, though he will respond -- negatively -- to your yelling or threatening. "I found the more I shouted at Brandon to stop, the wilder he would get," says one mother of a 2-year-old. What worked instead, she discovered, was to just sit down and be with him while he raged.

Staying with your child during a tantrum is a good idea. Stomping out of the room -- alluring as that may be -- can make him feel abandoned. The storm of emotion he's going through can be frightening to him, and he'll appreciate knowing you're nearby. Some experts recommend picking up your child and holding him if it's feasible (i.e., he's not flailing too much), saying he'll find your embrace comforting. But others say it's better to ignore the tantrum until your child calms down, rather than rewarding negative behavior. Through trial and error, you'll learn which approach is right for your child.

Remember that you're the adult. No matter how long the tantrum continues, don't give in to unreasonable demands or negotiate with your screaming toddler. It's especially tempting in public to cave in as a way of ending the episode. Try not to worry about what others think -- anyone who's a parent has been there before. By conceding, you'll only be teaching your child that throwing a fit is a good way to get what he wants, and setting the stage for future behavior problems. Besides, your child is already frightened by being out of control. The last thing he needs is to feel that you're not in control either.

If your child's outburst escalates to the point where he's hitting people or pets, throwing things, or screaming nonstop, pick him up and carry him to a safe place, such as his bedroom. Tell him why he's there ("because you hit Aunt Sally"), and let him know that you'll stay with him until his negative behavior stops. If you're in a public place -- a common breeding ground for tantrums -- be prepared to leave with your child until he calms down.

"When my daughter was 2, she had an absolute fit at a restaurant because the plain spaghetti she ordered arrived with chopped parsley on it," recalls one mother. "Although I realized why she was upset, I wasn't about to let her disrupt everyone's dinner. I took her outside until she calmed down."

Talk it over afterward. When the storm subsides, hold your child close and talk about what happened. Acknowledge his frustration, and help him put his feelings into words, saying something like, "You were very angry because your food wasn't the way you wanted it." Let him see that once he expresses himself in words, he'll get better results. Say with a smile, "I'm sorry I didn't understand you. Now that you're not screaming, I can find out what you want."

Try to head off tantrum-inducing situations. Pay attention to what situations push your child's buttons and plan accordingly. If he falls apart when he's hungry, carry snacks with you. If he has trouble making a transition from one activity to the next, give him a gentle heads-up before a change. Alerting him to the fact that you're about to leave the playground or sit down to dinner ("We're going to eat when you and Daddy are done with your story") gives him a chance to adjust instead of react.

Your toddler is grappling with independence, so offer him choices whenever possible. No one likes being told what to do all the time. Saying, "Would you like corn or carrots?" rather than "Eat your corn!" will give him a sense of control. Monitor how often you're saying "no." If you find you're rattling it off routinely, you're probably putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Try to ease up and choose your battles. Would it really wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground? And does anybody really care if your tike wears mismatched mittens?

Watch for signs of overstress. Although daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the mid-toddler years, you do need to keep an eye out for possible problems. Has there been upheaval in the family? An extremely busy or harried period? Tension between Mom and Dad? All of these can provoke tantrums. If after the age of 30 months your child is still having major tantrums every day, talk to your doctor. If your child is younger than 30 months and has three or four tantrums a day and isn't cooperating with any routines, such as getting dressed or picking up toys, you also may want to seek help. Your doctor can make sure your child has no serious physical or psychological problems and suggest ways to deal with the outbursts. Also, talk to your doctor if your child has frightening breath-holding spells when he gets upset. There's some evidence that this behavior is linked to an iron deficiency.

Answer 2

Have her spend lots of time with other kids her age or slightly older that already have good speech capabilities. My daughter spent two days a week in daycare and it helped, but she made great improvements when she started spending time around our neighbours 4 yr old. Something about peer interaction versus adult interaction seems to make the difference in kids. My daughter is now 4 and her vocabulary and language skills are better than some adults I know.

Answer 3

Regarding the speaking part, I'd suggest trying baby sign language. I did this successfully with my first child, and it is definitely less frustrating for the child (and parent) to get understood. 19 months doesn't seem that late for speaking especially if she is first child. Regarding temper in general, first of all you need to make sure it is not productive for the kid (in other words don't give in, even in public). Secondly, once they can communicate start talking with them about their feelings. My five year old son has strong emotions, and we'll talk and he'll let us know how hard it is to control his anger. But you have to give them tools to get through these emotions, starting with sign language then with more discussion.

Answer 4

I don't have children, but a friend of mine used sign language with her toddler sons and it worked very well. You don't have to learn the entire spectrum of sign language symbols. Just a few key ones such as: hungry, please, thank you, help
Kids learn through repetition, so enforce it as much as you can and say the word along with the sign. Get your husband to do the same and it will help. Soon the child will be able to calmly ask for the items and not vent their frustrations through screaming.

Answer 5

Work in signing, especially if she's physical, and say the words along with the signs.
Also we found flashcards work of common items and liked the Baby Einsteins Wordworth. Reading books to her is always a good thing too.

Answer 6

My daughter will be 2 next month and before i sent her to daycare she was only saying a handfull of word. With in a week of going to daycare she picked up atleast 10 new words. The kids teach each other. Even if its just for one day a week try to get her in a daycare or something so she can interact with the other kids.

Answer 7

Your stress will only contribute to her stress. Her language complexity will develop at her own pace, not yours. Toddlers can regress if they are pressured into talking. She senses your reaction, tone and body language and if you are negative, tense, impatient and annoyed, it is just going to make it worse for her. One thing you can do is read lots of books and label everything with her. Repeat everything back to her with clear sentences. Be positive and patient.

Answer 8

I have read... and I notice it works well with my 14 month old.. that it is a good idea to speak for her. Some examples are:

*If she bumps her head on the wall and it hurt, say, "Ouch! You bumped your head and that hurts! You bumped it on the wall (pointing at the wall), and that hurt, Ouch!"

*Or if she is mad because she doesn't want to put her shoes on, and you all are leaving, say, in a bit of an angry tone, "ohh your soo mad, because you don't wanna put your shoes on!" (than in a softer more authorative tone) "...but you have to put your shoes on, cause we're going outside and in order to go outside you HAVE to put your shoes on, mommy knows you don't want to!"

Anyway, the point is to voice her feelings for her, that way she'll pick up on how to voice her feelings faster, which will help to eliminate her tempers.


Hope that helps!

Answer 9

show her who is boss