I moved 2000 miles away from home when I was 21. I loved my parents but they are very controlling ( esp. my mother). 4 years after I moved away I got married and my husband's job moved us FURTHER away (all the way in Hawaii.) My marriage got off to a very rocky start and I made the error of calling and confiding in my mother on a regular basis of how miserable I was. About a year into our marriage, my parents decided to sell their home and spend $10,000 moving their belongings to Hawaii to be near us and retire. I was working full-time, my husband resented their prying (which I had opened the door), needless to say it was a very uncomfortable situation. They moved back after only 4 months. Mom constantly reminds me that it's my fault that it didn't work out, that my husband is a jerk (he was but we are very happy now). Now she wants us to move closer to them "because they don't have anyone"-all other family have moved away) Am I a bad daughter because I don't want to live near them?
2006-11-20 06:28:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My father is still working full-time and is in reasonably good health, mom is a diabetic, had thyroid problems and suffers from depression.
2006-11-20 06:30:11 · update #1
When they moved back, they moved to an isolated part of the US, away from ANY other siblings. It's also a place that neither my husband or I have ANY desire to live or raise a family.
2006-11-20 06:31:51 · update #2
NOPE! DON'T DO IT!!!
Are they helpless? Or bedridden? Then maybe - but where is everyone else?
Tell your mom to join a community group, start playing bridge - or buy her a computer with DSL - keep her busy. You are NOT responsible for her social life. She is a grown woman and is completely capable of going out to socialize or volunteer, etc.
She is bored and doesn't know what to do with herself. Try not to listen to her guilt.
It's YOUR life now, not hers - she has a hard time with that, because for a long time as your mom - she DID have total control - over what you ate, what you wore, where you lived, etc. Now she's freaking cuz she doesn't have anyone to control anymore (where is your dad in all this? or her husband?) "they don't have anyone"? what about each other? friends? neighbors? And yes, the depression... try... not easy... but try... to get her to go to counseling, or at least her regular doctor to talk about her moods. They can maybe help too?
It is NOT your fault they moved to Hawaii & back - it was THEIR decision - they are grown ups.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD DAUGHTER.
TRUST ME - I am in a situation with my mom living right next door and I am not very fond of it. There are benefits, of course, but oh the guilt if I don't visit her all the time. Fact is, she's bored, lonely & depressed & is scared of reaching out & doing anything different.
STAND YOUR GROUND. Remember, she created you - you wouldn't be who you are without her guidance. Remind her of that once & a while. She should want you to be happy.
2006-11-20 06:37:48 · answer #1 · answered by CoronaGirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off it might have been a bad decision but it doesn't make you a bad daughter........ The first mistake was you should not have involved your mother by complaining about your problems in your marriage, you should have discussed the problems with your husband... My suggestion at this point is that you continue to love and support both your parents as well as your husband and ask for their help in making your life easier! No one should feel guilty about making the wrong decisions because that's how we all learn from our mistakes, right!
OK so you can't go back and change the past let it go, move on and learn, sometimes one thing will work and other times you will need to figure something else out!
We can not predict the future so there is no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet but you can learn some new skills that will enable you, your husband and your parents to have a happy and healthy relationship!
Go on line or to your local book store and buy a book on "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil and after reading it and I might add that your husband should agree to read it too, lol. Because this will bring you closer which is a benefit as well as give you both the necessary skills to have a healthier happier relationship with your parents! I hope this helps and good luck!
2006-11-20 06:45:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good for you!!....you realized your mistakes and chose to act on them...now you have a very happy marriage. No...I wouldn't move....to me it seems to be a common misconseption that children should take care of their parents, "cuz they took care of you"......they chose to give birth to you. Sounds as though your mom could use some help...but not the kind you could offer. Your dad sounds very capable of taking care of your mother if she need tending to. If your parent (mom) was prying...your not to blame for their move working or not working out. It just "didn't work"....If I were you...I'd probably seek professional counseling to help you deal with the constant "bad daughter" guilt trip your mom is laying on you....NOT YOUR FAULT!!! If you learn now to handle her...you could probably learn how to tell her no without hurting her feelings as well as making her understand. Best of Luck!
p.s. If it helps at all...your not alone in the trying to confide in your mother mistake...been there...done that....it destroyed my marriage. Finally had to cut all communication ties with her until she realized that prying just wasn't the answer. Now we are best of friends...just don't tell her anything that goes on with my new husband. One think you must keep in mind....they really do love you...no matter what! However...do NOT let her make you feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong...Being happy isn't a crime!
2006-11-20 06:45:06 · answer #3 · answered by Shelly B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. Moving back would depress you and your family, stress you all out, and ruin your marriage. It's not a life and death situation, and if your dad needs help taking care of your mother, let him hire a nurse. Perhaps you could send some money if needed to help hire a nurse. If they don't live next to family, then maybe they can meet some new life long friends or neighbors.
NO, YOUR NOT A BAD DAUGHTER!!!
2006-11-20 06:48:19 · answer #4 · answered by middelmom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As much as you want to be a "good" daughter, you are NOT responsible for your parents' happiness. You say that you and your husband are very happy now. Do you think your parents are going to stop being prying and controlling? If not, is it worth the risk to your currently happy marital relationship to try and meet your parents' needs? The fact that you are asking whether or not you are a "bad" daughter suggests that you are acting out of guilt. Not a good basis for a decision and not a good foundation for a relationship. It's fair for you to think of your own and your family's needs first. You can be kind and respectful and helpful to your parents without moving to be physically closer to them. You can be in contact by phone and try and assist your mom in finding help for her health difficulties. In time, if one or both of your parents' health deteriorates and they are no longer able to care for themselves, you and your sibs can try and sort something out. It does not make you "bad" if you choose to not disrupt your life to give in to your parents' wishes.
2006-11-20 07:01:23 · answer #5 · answered by senlin 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not a bad daughter.Don't be so hard on yourself.You are married to your husband and you may have kids.The thing is relax first of all.number two theres telaphones.Three theres email.four theres snailmail.And of course theres the getting together for the holidays.oh and since your in hawaii relax and enjoy the weather.To get rid of some of the stress you are having spend a day completely just for you like a spa.hope this helps.smile
2006-11-20 06:46:30 · answer #6 · answered by rainbowcatt 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't sound like they really need you to be there at the moment, but want you to be there, which is understandable. You, on the other hand have your own life to lead. I suggest that you make arrangements to visit them - often - every few months or so. Since they are doing well physically - enough that they can care for themselves, the visits should suffice. If and/or when their health declines, you need to revisit whether to live near them or not. Do you have any siblings to share in the responsibility of caring for your parents? If so, make arrangements to share it, if not, be prepared for when/if it happens.
Good luck.
2006-11-20 06:34:54 · answer #7 · answered by sassybree1979 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you have your own life and you are happy now. Your mom doesn't like your hubby and if you move than she'll be trying to get in between you and him and it won't be good. Just let them know that you love them, but you are happy where you are. It was their decision to move, not yours. Your days of living to please your mom were over when you married your husband. Your focus is now on him and your marriage. Good Luck!!
2006-11-20 07:20:32 · answer #8 · answered by chickmomma5 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your not a bad daughter at all. You should live at a place where you feel comfortable, it is your life and you should be happy.
I did that move and I'm not very happy here in my old home town.....
2006-11-20 06:34:37 · answer #9 · answered by willow, the yodakitty from hell 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're not a bad daughter. You didn't ask your parents to join you in Hawaii, that was their choice. Your parents have each other and are laying a guilt trip on you.
2006-11-20 06:31:37 · answer #10 · answered by pinniethewooh 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋