She is recently separated from her abusive husband, she has 2 daughters, and she will not do anything but sleep and lay around the house while my husband and I pay all her bills, ect. She steadfastly refuses to get help in any way, shape or form. She knows we will cater to her every need because of the children, whom we adore. And..to top it all off, she is constantly disrespectful. We don't really want to raise 2 more children at this time in our lives, but the only alternative we can forsee is that we continue to support her needs and hope that some day she will get the help she needs and decide to rejoin society. Our savings is gone, and we are struggeling to make ends meet in our own lives. Forget the father..no one knows where he is. I am at the end of my rope and see no way out of this. Please advise.
2006-11-20 06:19:57 · 16 answers · asked by jmmcakes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I think you already know what you have to do. In the first place how do you know -besides what she has told you - that her husband was abusive? One way or other, it is absolutely clear to anybody with half a brain the woman is using you ... and using her own children as a weapon against you if you try to stand up for yourself. Well, the ONLY thing possible for you to do.. unless you want to stand there meekly and let her destroy what should be the peace and tranquility of your and your husband's lives - is take a stand and Tell this selfish, self-centered, self-serving piece of garbage whom you so unfortunately have as a daughter, that you have already done all - and in fact more - than you have the means to do.. She is;pulling one of the oldest games in the book with those who feel obliged to fall over backwards for her because of blood relationship .....emotional blackmail.... and you have allowed yourselves to fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Enough already. You can't "save the world" and those are HER children, so you cannot be held responsible for them either. You have already allowed this outrageous situation to go on waaaaay too long, and the very behaviour that you have described, defines her exactly for what she really is.... a mean, selfish, ungrateful, freeloading opportunist who needs to be made to hit the road before she succeeds in ruining your and your husband's lives, and your health.
2006-11-20 06:39:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I'm sorry to hear all of that, but first may I compliment you and your husband on making sure those little kids are taken care of. There are two things going on..one, your daughter is depressed (I mean, she just lost an abusive husband and probably has no self esteem) and could probably do well with medical care and possibly medication. Anti-depressants might help her get her head back in the right place. Or the second thing going on is what you were implying - that she's lazy and is relaxing knowing she'll be taken care of. If that's the case, you need to put your foot down and don't back down in any way. Give her a date she needs to have a job by or move out. Then set up bills that she can help contribute to. Once that is in effect, wait a month or so longer and set another date she needs to be moved out by. Hopefully you guys can keep helping with the little girls at least until she's on her feet. She probably is just feeling hopeless and useless right now and a good job might do wonders for her. Just set up some timelines and stick to them. If she doesn't follow, then "kick" her out of the house (maybe just her, not the kids).... Good Luck to you!
2006-11-20 06:27:15 · answer #2 · answered by Ducky S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would completely understand in your part. Your not being mean in anyway, so please don't place all of this on yourself, as you and your husband seem to have helped in every way.
I would make it clear to your daughter, that the past is the past. She has a chance now to start a new life. She has children now, that are seeing her unmotivated, and doesn't do much. Explain that your money is running out, and these are your grandchildren, but they are her children. If she is still all "lazy" about doing anything. I would make it clear to her, that you give her so long, and then if she doesn't have a job, her bills will not be paid. She is a grown women, and she needs to start looking at the best interest of her children, as this is not healthy to watch her like this; nor is it healthy for her to slum around all day. Say that you will help when possible, but not be taken advantage of. You've already raised her, adn it is time for her to be the adult.
I wish you the best, as she prob. doensn't know what loving parents she has.
2006-11-20 06:58:00 · answer #3 · answered by mke 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a mother I am sure you are aware of the concept of tough love. I advise that you practice this here. Although what she has been through seems like hell, it is over and the more she gets on with her life and sees that she can have a happy liveable life without her husband and have the chance to see her two children grow without the negative influence of their father, the more she will heal. Have a heart to heart with her and explain this. SHe may be upset initially but the more time goes on the more she will see you did the right thing. Give her a date that she has to be out of the house and make her stick to it. Good luck.
2006-11-20 06:30:35 · answer #4 · answered by babyj248 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time to put your foot down mom.... Time for you to steadfastly refuse to support her. Stop catering to her....Cut the money train off. Sounds as though you are going to have to force her to do for herself. She can't lay around and feel sorry for herself forever. Set a time limit...give her until _____date..(I would use Jan. 1) to have a job and her own place to live. She will probably hate you (or think she does) for a while...but she will realize..sooner or later..that what you've done was for her own good.
Your gonna have to show "tough love". Don't let her continue to walk all over you.
Sorry your in such a bad situation. It's gonna be hard. But she won't let her children starve to death..nor will make them live in the street.
Your other alternative is to call Child Welfare services....bet she'd get off her butt then!
2006-11-20 07:09:19 · answer #5 · answered by Shelly B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're part of her problem by what you are doing. the more your give the less she has to give. i'd tell her that you've tried to help her, but she is not helping herself. let her know your money is gone and there's nothing more you can do. DEMAND that she get a job and start contributing to the household as long as she is going to live in your home. otherwise, there is not going to be household for any of you. if she refuses, i'd stop paying her bills. when she realizes you mean business, she'll get a job. if not, ask her - where is her thankfulness for all the sacrificing that you and your husband are making for her? and, why is she treating you so BADLY - she's not the only one feeling pain right now - the whole family is.
2006-11-20 06:36:49 · answer #6 · answered by try 2 help 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My gawd!! You do have a dilemma. Maybe just show her this question. Looks like you spelled it all out pretty well. Ungrateful , lazy and demanding people, will take advantage any way they can. Seems as if she is using her children as her bargaining chip. Don't count on her "rejoining society" as long as she gets all her needs met by you. TOUGH LOVE is required here. There are tough love groups in a lot of communities where you can go for advice and information on coping skills. I f your community doesn't have a group, check with a community mental health service about how to get one started. This is going to be a hard nut to crack!!!
2006-11-20 06:40:57 · answer #7 · answered by Murphyboy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter is holding you hostage . She is using her daughters to get what she wants . We all go through the I can't go on any more thing . But we come out of it too. Yes your daughter needs help . But she doesn't have a dead line to get it . Give her one . Tell her if she doesn't get up off her butt and start at least doing some house work around here or try looking for a job . GET OUT ! Tell her to take her kids with her . Now I know you love your Grand Kids . But this is to get there mother up and running again . Give her a time line to get going . Give her six months to get her life together or your going to have social service look into her not taking care of her kids . You can't take care of a grown person . If she still wants to live with you tell her not with out a job . Not with out taking care of her kids . Tell her it would be better if she had a place of her own . But stick to your guns . I know this sounds harsh but she is killing you . You just don't know it . Your blind by motherly love . As your husband loves her too. But some time you just got to get tough . I know I did it . I can live again . So can you .
2006-11-20 06:39:34 · answer #8 · answered by Angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get intervention. Speak to a professional (Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Pastoral Care, etc.) Also take steps to become Foster Parents. That way you would receive aid for your caring, if it should go so far as your daughter needing to leave. You would be able to legally take care of the kids. Your daughter should be able to apply for State Aid/ housing, food stamps, FREE Medical for the minor children, etc.) Go to your county government office to get details and application(s). Sounds like MAJOR depression. You can get a professional to come directly to your home for a confrontation and help you implement a plan. Sometimes you need 'hard-love' and the professional will help you carry out a plan. Good Luck!
2006-11-20 06:29:02 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as you cater to her she will continue to use you. First, you sit her down and talk to her. Give her until a certain date to have a job. After her first paycheck she should start paying rent. She can receive assistance from DSS for childcare, food etc. When she talks back remind her she is in your house and you will not be talked to in that manner. Tell her you will only babysit the kids in an emergency situation and other than that you expect her to watch them when they're not in daycare of school. If you don't push her she's not going to do anything. If she refuses, then you have no choice but to tell her to move out.
2006-11-20 06:26:43 · answer #10 · answered by kathy p 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋