How do I tell my daughter and her father about each other?

Question

23 years ago, I was married to a guy who treated me pretty crappy. He had went away on a job and was fooling around. I knew it, and decided to pay him back by doing the same. Of course, I got pregnant. I told him what I had done. The guy I had the affair with knows nothing. I don't think either one of us knew for sure if my pregnancy was due to the affair or if it was ours. A few years later we divorced. He has since remarried and so have I. My current husband has adopted my daughter and we decided it would be in her best interest, since we were having more children. She loves my husband as if he was her true father. I have just recently come across a year book from my old school days. When I saw the photo of the person I had the affair with, my heart sunk. He looks just like my daughter. I am not sure what to do. I know all about the wrong I did when I was 18 - I have beat myself up about this enough. So,please respond with genuine advice

Answer 1

Let it be... I wouldn't tell them. If she's happy with her current "daddy," and the real father isn't involved, then why would you want to pee in each of their lemonaids with this information? LET IT GO. Forgive yourself and be thankful for what you have now. Telling them will just screw everything up.

Answer 2

I don't agree with the other writers here sorry but everybody should be told who their parents really are due to the fact that it isn't the childs fault that you messed up therefore why would you ever not tell her the truth and let her learn from your own mistakes. Yes she is going to ask allot of questions and want answers such as history family ties extra this is natural.If it was me I would hold a family meeting and simply sit down and discuss the whole situation with all parties such as you your husband and childern. From there as a family you can all decide what step you would like to personally make such as contacting this other person and letting him finally know the whole truth also his family such as grandparents because they also would probably like to know they have a granddaughter. Lieing and denying the truth helps nothing and nobody. This man who helped raise her has been a great father so you say she will be the only one who can tell you what she would like to do about this situation. Don't put it off any longer strike while the iron is hot and get it over with so you can all move on.You have spent your whole life thinking about this and stewing over it.With all the different things these days it is best to come clean and be honest so you don't have to live the next twenty years regreting not having done so sooner when she was younger and could except it while you were all together if you wait it isn't going to go away or get any better. At least in this way you can explain why you didn't tell her instead of being told later that you were this terrible person because you never told her the truth. Honesty is always the best route to take and I wish you all the best I know this is not going to be easy but anything worth having never comes easy. Peace of mind is worth the trip alone.

Answer 3

you daughter knows her adopted father is not her real father, right? Telling her who her father is will be hard, but necessary. She is old enough now to understand we all make mistakes when we are young, and it can help to be a god lesson to her to think about her future when she has relationships. Maybe you should find out some more info on the father first, like where he is and what his life is like. If she shows up out of the blue and he is not a nice person it could be ugly. Good luck.

Answer 4

First off...Don't beat yourself up so much. You did the best you could for the circumstances you were in.
If the daughter isn't asking for her real father, I don't think it would fix anything to bring it up.
But...The concern here seems to be YOUR feelings. If you NEED to have this resolved, there may be consequences. Daughter may have trouble accepting the secret you've kept for so long. I would expect some resentment.

Answer 5

It seems like unfortunate circumstances when you were younger and no one should think their actions won't affect people(this one is 23 years later).
At this point, I would think she has a right to know and the biological father may get angry. I would hate to think there is my kid out there and I never knew it.
You need to be patient when emotions start flying.

Answer 6

Leave the past in the past. If she approaches the subject for medical reasons it will be a different story. But I say leave it alone.

The unwitting father doesn't know, your daughter shouldn't either. It may prove to disrupt too many lives.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 7

Your second husband is her "true" father. You need to quit beating yourself up and let this one go. Since you were married and seeing someone else, even pictures can be deceiving and who knows who her biological father truly is...do you want to put your daughter through the pain and embarrassment of DNA testing? Write this one off to being young and dumb and unless your daughter wants to date his son....forget it....some sins are better off confessed in church not layed at the feet of our children!

Answer 8

Just tell the truth. And do it soon.
Your daughter and her father may initially be angry, but they have a right to know about each other.

Looking back, wouldn't you have done it differently if you had known how? Have a little compassion for yourself. You made a mistake. And you're sorry.

That's all any of us can ask from the people we love.

Be brave.

Answer 9

Honestly, at this point, you are better off keeping your mouth shut. Causing pain and anger just to make yourself feel better about your choices in the past isn't a good choice now.

Answer 10

If your going to be honest which I suggest you be.Find out for sure have a DNA test done.She does need to know because of medical reasons.You can not base paternity on looks.