why is it hard to NOT be shy?

Question

im a shy guy and i hate being shy i try not to be shy but for some reason my shyness take over me when it come talk to people girls specially, is their a way to not be shy or im stuck with it any suggestion oh great mighty ones...

Answer 1

One reason it is hard is because there is often a biological factor too it, similar to depression. a therapist once had me go to the mall and just walk around and make eye contact and say hello to EVERYONE I walked past. i thought they'd think I was nuts, and some probably did... but people smiled and said hello... sometimes i could have sworn that it made their day. But the thing I learned is... I didnt have heart attack and die! even when I was ignored, or someone told me off, I lived.

Answer 2

I am 25 years old and have been a shy person all my life, but it was much worse when i was younger. It has taken a lot of work for me to overcome my shyness. Shyness is something that you can overcome, but you have to work on it. Today, I talk for a living, so if I can do it you can do it too. A lot of shyness has to do with self-esteem issues. Have confidence and believe in yourself. Go into things knowing that maybe you will get rejected, but who cares! Keep on doing it anyway, that's just life my friend. I cannot tell you how to break out of your shell. Maybe join an organization, club, or play sports. That way, you will at least get you around some new people and give you a chance to meet new friends and more opportunities to talk and not be so shy. That is my best advice, but only you will know when you are ready to break out of your shell or not.

Answer 3

Simply answered..the more you put yourself out there..the less shy you will become. The feeling of putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to how someone reacts is what tends to make people shy, they are scared of a bad reaction or not knowing how to respond. Just do it, seriously. That's what I did. The more uncomfortable the situation, the more you are forced to not be shy.

Answer 4

to answer your question, its hard not to cause its easy to be shy. I suggest you hang out with guys that arent shy, and have lots of girl friends for you to be around, maybe some will rub off on you.

Answer 5

I used to be shy, too. It's a battle that can be won. You must force yourself to get out and talk to more and more people. It will not be fun and you will feel like a fool but eventually it will get easier and easier. Good Luck!

Answer 6

yeah, i know what you mean. I think that it's just that you care too much about other people's opinions and you're scared to talk to them cuz they'll judge you. Maybe you should try smoking a little something before talking to girls, it would probably take away your shyness

Answer 7

I'm just like you. I'm looking for the same answer too.

Answer 8

I'm a bit that way myself and something I found that helps is to just treat shyness as a problem that you can and will solve in a dispassionate matter of fact, step-by-step way, just by reading as much advice on it as you can and by asking specific questions on here. If you think a problem can't be solved it demotivates you totally. If you realise it can be solved, like any practical problem, its much easier.

Don't agonise over everything you read because it makes you feel bad and reminds you of embarrasing or stressful events in the past. Just treat overcoming shyness as a problem that you need to solve, like fixing a computer, and a set of social skills and new attitudes that you need to learn. Learn how to do specific things like introduce yourself, make smalltalk, make conversation, flirt, etc. Think of all the topics and search previous yahoo answers for advice on each one or ask new questions for advice.

Try reading up on the differences between introverts and extroverts. Some people like to think a lot on their own and think before they speak and others like to be spontaneous. Its not set in concrete. You can learn to be a 50:50 introvert/extrovert; someone who likes to think, but has learned how to be more outgoing and have fun. How outgoing you are depends on the occasion and how relaxed you feel.

Extroverts concentrate on the external word (people, places, things that are happening/happened) and the here and now. They are open and let people know a bit about themselves and are genuinely interested in others.

A lot of relationship problems are because one is an extrovert a likes parties and crowds, such as pop concerts, while the other is introverted and prefers the company of close friends. You can meet half-way and go to the comedy-play or stand-up or music act at the theatre or something, where you aren't being crowded, but its a fun event that an extrovert will like.

Extroverts tend to have close friends, lots of not so close friends and acquaintences. Introverts need to learn to value all of these, not just close friends.

Our society values extroverts. Other cultures like the japanese value more thoughtful people.

Think of some polite and friendly or just plain neighbourly extroverts that you admire, including members of your own family, not the selfish load-mouths.

Try not to be critical of people or try to control them. Let people be themselves.

Try not to be hyper-sensitive to other people not approving of you. Just do your best to be polite, open and friendly.

Start with wikipedia and google for more articles on how extroverts think and what they enjoy. Both introverts and extroverts have some admirable qualities. Both just need to avoid being rude or thoughtless to other people, but polite and friendly instead.

As well as learning from books (an introverts way of doing things), just do some semi-extrovert activities and feel the fun and see what you can learn about what they get out of it. Go for walks in the woods or on the beach or learn dancing or something.

One other technique to overcome shyness is to concentrate on the messages you are sending to other people and the meaning they attribute to the things you say and do. People react emotionally not to what you INTEND (which they don't know unless they ask you), but to the image you project and the MEANING they read into what you say and do, based on what they can see of you on the outside and who you remind them of (such as not smiling or not being pleased to see people or showing no interest in them).

As an example, turning up for a date in an old shirt that hasn't been ironed says 'I don't care enough about you to make any effort'. This is why women are impressed by people who dress well, are clean and have a good hair cut. Its not a competitive 'Who's got the best taste' thing. Its the fact that they think it means 'I care a lot and want to give you the best time possible'.

Similarly, a shy person at a dinner party who doesn't talk or ask people about themselves and their interests sends the message 'I'm a miserable party pooper'.

If you learn how to make smalltalk and keep the mood up-beat and fun, people will want to spend time with you. Don't suddenly change the mood of a gathering by bringing up anything negative or wierd or something nobody understands. Avoid jokes only half the people get. Simple understandable harmless jokes are better.

Phone a woman the next day after a date to send the correct message 'I like you. Lets spend more time together'.

Keep in regular touch with friends you make.

Try to de-stress and get out of the mind-set that everything must be done for a reason. Chill out and just chat about TV, Movies, fashion, gossip and trivia and wander around places with no particular aim, just to see if anything interesting turns up. You probably do this on vacation, but are too stressed to do it in your normal life or think where you live is dull and don't go looking hard enough for interesting, fun things. Put more effort into it. Its more important than your work life.

The basis of all good relationships is trust. If you can smile more and be open and friendly, people will trust you and its easier to make friends. When you meet someone, give your name, one thing about yourself and ask a question that shows you're interested in them. For example, 'Hi, I'm John, Dave's (the host's) friend from the motor-bike club. Are you enjoying the party?'.

Giving one thing about yourself shows you are open, friendly and trusting with other people and suggests a starting topic of conversation.

All this may sound like a long list of criticism and character defects. Its not. Its just an attempt to get a clear definition or correct diagnosis of the problem. You can then learn to overcome any social fears and phobias and fear of embarrasment that you've picked up during the course of your life. You just need to learn how to be more outgoing when you choose to be and to put the same effort into it that you put into other important things.

When it comes to where to try out any new skills, one thing I read is that its a good idea to join a club or society that isn't competitive and deadly serious and where poeple have fun and chat. This could be tennis or wine-tasting or salsa dancing lessons with a free-dance session at the end or something like that. Ask for suggestions on here.

Best of luck.