so we split up. but im still very much in love but i know its very much over. how do i go about getting over?

Question

him, and how long does it take for the hurt to go.i have no self esteem or confidence. and i cant stop thinking about him. anyone got any advice or any similar thing happen to them and how did you cope.

thanks for the lovely answers... its fairly recent but i still cry alot, i cant sleep much and i hardly eat at all. i have booked myself an appointment at the hairdressers, and its my 21st birthday next week and though i dont want to do anything ive told my mates to go ahead and organize something anyway. cos what i want i wont get. n thank you nick for your kind words.

and actually it was nearly 5 years we were together, since i was 16.

Answer 1

The hurt will be there for a long time, but not forever. Like anything, this just takes time. There are things that you can do which will make this process longer, things like staying indoors day after day with the curtains drawn and your duvet wrapped around you listening to coldplay. By all means let yourself feel pain, don't bottle it up, but don't wallow. If you feel you need to cry then cry, but you have to give yourself some happiness too.

Make plans for every day, hang with friends or set yourself projects to work for. Keep yourself occupied and let yourself have a good time. Of course you'll still be thinking of him, but he won't be all you think about and gradually that pain in the pit of your stomach will get smaller and smaller until one day you wake up not hurting at all.

We've all been there, unfortunately it's all too often the down side of experiencing real love. Don't ever think you're alone in feeling like this, and although you might be frustrated and think that the feeling will never go away, it will.

Good luck Xx

Answer 2

Here's one way of looking at it ...it is just the chemicals that you're missing - not him. When you meet someone that you your body releases feel good hormones that make you feel dreamy and close to that person. You start living in a false reality. I guess the chemicals/hormones are designed to make us want to have babies. Interestingly those chemicals don't last more than a few years (or months in some cases) - even with Mr/Miss Right.

When you break up you probably miss the feelings as much/if not more than the person - problem you associate those feelings with that person. Hence "How can I still like him when I know he is wrong" scenario. This is especially true with sexual relationships.

Some male self help groups refer the feeling as "oneitis". They talk about "breaking out of the thought process" that produces oneitis. I.e. try and replace those thoughts with other thoughts. When do you have them? Are you alone? What could you be doing instead? If it's self esteem that worries you how about doing something that will naturally improve your self esteem? Vanity is often helpful! Gym; Yoga; etc. Also how about giving other people advice? It's great for your self esteem and as you are going through something really tough others (also in your position) could benefit from your experience - even if it's only you saying "hey, I also feel awful" - least people know they're not alone - it helps!

Rich

Answer 3

The cheap, quick and painfull way:

Go out with your mates, get drunk, snog a few random blokes, get horribly melancholy from missing your man and the wierd feeling that youve cheated on him even tho you havent. Wake up with a stinking hangover and a vague sense of self revulsion and hey presto! You want nothing more to do with men for quite some time. Generally not recommended but feels good up untill you're staring down a toilet bowl with a sympathetic friend next to you.

The slow, agonising sensibly way:

Time. Mainly time. There are little things you can do to help yourself. Dont dwell on it; dont bemoan what youve lost (hard as that is damn I know) but focus on your friends and family. Dont burn any momentos of the relationship (literally or with internal slander) but make sure as hell you dont go near them for six months. Put them somewhere safe and out of sight/mind. It will pass. Also check out what "coognitive behavioural therapy" is.

How to say this...its been proven to help people deal with stresses in their life and could very easily be applied to your current situation. To start with, work out one thing every day that you can do/ is better about being single....even if its onyl that you have more time to see your friends. Try and add to this week by week; pick a time of day when you often feel you particualrly miss your beau and remind yourself of the list at this time each day.

Answer 4

It's very hard because we are not computers. We can't just delete a file and bin it. We can only let time do the healing. By acquiring new interests, making new friends and developing new hobbies, the whole healing process will be a lot easier and faster. Meanwhile, if it is causing too much pain, arrange to see a counsellor. It will definitely help to talk about it. It is a kind of bereavement so take it seriously and don't just hope the pain will go by itself. You have to do something about it.

Answer 5

I know that feeling, my husband left me in July and my house had to be sold, my world fell apart. I cried and hurt and made myself really ill. No one can put a time scale on how long it takes for the the hurt to go, it depends on what you do to relieve it. I fill my time with things I like to do when I start crying. I have set up a craft class locally, so have to spend a lot of time preparing lessons - time in which I cant think of him, I have joined other local groups, I have joined my local church in order to meet new people in a safe environment, I have joined this site so that another bit of time is filled. Keep busy love, that is the answer.

Answer 6

Poor you. You will get over him - sadly nothing magic will take the hurt away - though it's a cliche - time is a great healer. You will get better. dont rush into anything with another - simply to take your mind off your ex - it will make things worse. Slowly, slowly, one day at a time. You are still very young and have lots of lovely things ahead to look forward to.x

Answer 7

Yes it sucks when you break up and from experience it can take months before you feel better. Depends on how long you were with him for.
Best advice I can give you is amongst all the tears and sadness you feel get up and go in the morning no matter how bad the day is. Throw yourself into as much as you can that doesn't remind you of him. New hobbies, friends different places.
good luck hope you feel better soon.

Answer 8

Time heals all wounds, or at least eases the pain. Do things you like doing. Hang out with your friends. Date other people. Move on and live your life, that's all any of us can do. Take one day out and give yourself a good cry, then once your done, take a deep breath and put it in your head that you have given it all you had now it's time to put it behind you.

Answer 9

no the hurt doesnt go away im sry to say.... me and my ex broke up 9 months ago and i am still in love with him but i know i can never get him back. The way i coped with it was that i tried to be friends with him; i hung out with my friends and i deffanitly attepted to hibernate and not do anything until everything stoped hurting but i couldn't so i basically just went on with life and yes i am still in love with him but im moving on with my life i have a WONDERFUL boyfriend right now and i sware he's an agel from god. That was sent for me to be happy again.

Answer 10

Keep busy, Don't be sad it is over be happy it ever happen!!! Time heals all pain and you may always have a very special place in your heart for him but as you go on this feeling of emptiness and pain will faid. Keep busy go out and talk with friends often dont give yourself time to think about it.