How do you "turn off" your emotions??

Question

I have a 19 yr old son that just moved into his own apt. He makes enough to cover his rent and expenses, if he would just stop spending the money elsewhere....
His aunt and I set him up in the apt.(with his knowledge) because he just doesn't want to listen to rules at my home or hers.. (He has lived both places) All he wants to do is party..
I offered to hang on to the money that he needed each week for his rent, so that he would get used to doing without it... But all he kept doing was saying " I need $10 for this or I need $20 for that".. I finally had enough and gave him back ALL of his money and told him to handle it himself,,,only after he called me all kinds of names and said that it was his money..
I have problems of my own and I feel that I have done everything I can for him, but how do I not let it get to me...
He works a full time job. Its not like I threw him out on the streets or anything. I am determined to make him do it on his own, but how do I not feel guilty??

Answer 1

it isn't a question of "turning off" your emotions it is more a question of turning your back, seriously. think of when a baby bird gets to big for the nest it either flys or dies. OK so this wont be as fatal but it is the same principal. As we mature we learn, we learn by making mistakes. mistakes that are often painful and difficult to work out, this gives us certain skills to cope with life. I am sure yo have as has you sister often made mistakes in your past. these mistakes make you the woman you are. let him become the man he is going to become. in much the same way as you couldn't always prevent a fall when he was learning to walk, you cant always stop the overspending. if he wants to party then let him, let him spend all his money on having a good time. BUT also let him suffer the consequence of overspending too the 3 days of hunger wont kill him it may force him to come eat at mums or his aunties. he certainly wont die. He has no idea as to the value of money he needs to learn this himself so my advice is to let him!!!

Answer 2

As a loving Mom you will never stop feeling guilty...you are trying to make him more independent that is a good thing don't worry about him so much it will just give you uclers. They will do what they want no matter how much you try. Sounds like a spoiled brat when he calls you names and swears...do not take anymore crap from him. When he asks for money for food tell him to come to your house to eat and he will. He wants his independence but sounds mad that you didn't want him in your house. Just keep telling him you love him but you will not listen to his yelling at you. Give him his money and let him fly on his own he will be alright. As long as he knows you really are there for him in trying times. I had two boys both now gone at age 25/35
children right to the end. The guilt never stops its part of being a mother....and can't be turned off just re-directed.
Take care

Answer 3

How well do you feel you did our job as a parent for the 19 years he lived with you and learned from your examples? Do you really think that holding his hand at 19 is going to lead to anything positive; or will you be holding his hand when he's 21, 25, 35 and 40? Then when you're dying, you can apologize to him for leaving him all alone with nobody to darn his socks and do his laundry? Come on, wake up! He's a big boy...the sooner you let him go get his lumps, the sooner he'll be able to say "Thank you" for the work you already put in.

Answer 4

You are going to feel guilty its your baby boy! But, you are doing the right thing. He will thank you for it later but you can't baby him forever or he won't learn how to live on his own. He might get kicked out of the apartment but that is a great lesson for him to learn. Don't feel too bad, he knows he can fall back on you and the shows you are a great mother. Try to stick it out and let him learn the hard way. Unfortunetly him learning the hard way sometimes seems harder on the mom. Good luck.

Answer 5

I was the same way as a teenager, all I wanted to do was party and get money from my parents, dont feel guilty this is a learning situation, he may fail, and if he does, don't count on himfailing again because of that reason. if he blows all his rent money, don't bail him out.. make him face the consequences.

Answer 6

Wow, poor girl. I know it has to hurt being called names by your own son. This is just one lesson he has to learn on his own. He'll go through a financial rut, but he'll learn from it. Try to stay a little detatched. All of this it will be better for him in the long run. He's got to learn the hard way, but it will pay off in the end! Good luck girl, this will all pass!

Answer 7

You should of smacked him in his mouth when he started calling you names and told him don't ever make the mistake of thinking he can get by with that. He thinks he knows so much then fine with you just don't come crying to you when he can't pay his bills and gets himself in financial trouble. With the way he spends money stupidely, he'll reach that point within a matter of weeks.

Answer 8

First, you can't turn your emotions off. However, you can show your son some tough love. I know my mom did me this way, but the only reason my mom was helping me so much was because I was putting myself through college and still am. She help me with things I need instead of things I want.

Answer 9

You can't turn off your emotions. You can try to repress them but they will come out. It is better to deal with your problems directly. Try to remember that he is an adult and, therefore, free to make his own mistakes. Give him the benefit of your experience and your advice and hope that he makes smart choices. The real test will come when he screws up and comes to you for help. You will need to decide whether you are willing to bail him out of trouble.

Answer 10

Time for tough love. He'll never grow up to be a real man if you don't step back and let him make his own mistakes.

You are being a good mom by letting him grow up.