How do you tell your best friend that her 14 year old daughter is doing something wrong and dangerous?

Question

I installed some "spy" software on my computer to see what my son was up to. During one of his chats with one of his friends he mentioned that my friend's daughter is being videoed performing sexual acts at school by other kids and getting paid for it. How do you inform your friend about this information even though you may not be certain about its source (my son may suspect that there is software on my computer because I have become so much smarter about him recently and he is getting suspicious).

Furthermore I am worried that the messenger may get shot and this will ruin our friendship.

Answer 1

tell your friend

:> peace
.

Answer 2

Call your friend, tell her that you installed the software on your son's computer. Then tell her exactly what was said in the conversation. Then say NO MORE, make no judgements, offer no advise, and only answer what she asks. She will be understandably upset. Give her the time and space you would want. She may want to talk, but again, be careful. Let her know you are there for her.

Major Kudos to you for watching out for your son!! Too few parents are. The computer should ALWAYS be in a common room, so there is no activity that is out of the sight of the parent. Why give kids the rope to hang themselves with? Keep up the good work!

Answer 3

Whoa, Nellie. Don't you think you'd like to confront your son first?
I once had a situation where I went to a person to reveal an untruth spoken by another. Big mistake. The mistake wasn't in the telling, it was HOW I went about it.
Consider this: tell your son what you found out. If he was lying (to try to impress someone or to get the girl some bad attention, a mean joke), give him the chance to backpedal. Tell the daughter of your friend. Give HER the opportunity to undo her mess (if it's real), give her the chance to approach her mom first. You can always follow up and blow everybody's cover a step or two later, after the main players have the chance to stand up for themselves. The slaughter may come, but don't just jump in and start the mess.
I'm not saying let the kids take care of it, just give them the opportunity to behave with the maturity they've lacked so far. They'll be just as dead when the s--t hits the fan.

Answer 4

Don't worry about the friendship at this point, worry about that girl! I agree with the poster who said to show her the actual info on the computer. I'd also tell her that you don't necessarily think it is true, but even if it's not, I'd want to know what the heck was going on that my daughter was having this sort of thing spread around. Either it is true, and your friend needs to act, or her daughter is being sexually harassed, and your friend needs to figure out how to help her defend herself. At that age, reputation is important - her daughter could end up humiliated and ostracized by the rumors.
Your friend might be embarrassed and chilly towards you a while no matter how well you handle this. Be as loving and sensitive as you possibly can, but expect that doing the right thing might be uncomfortable for a while too.

Answer 5

I'm not saying it is ever too late to change a relationship but you are at a disadvantage because you clearly do not have a direct and honest relationship with your son. It may hinge on the difference in values between you and him. Kids rebel and hide things from adults because they know adults won't accept it but the kids are not willing to reject it, right? Your child is only 4 years away from being a legal adult. You have 4 more years to get this minor ready to deal with the adult world and the consequences therein. You must stop trying to monitor and control these 14 yr olds and mentor them in a way that they will see YOU as a value. This is not the same as saying be their best friend.

As for your intervention with your friend: There is a saying that people will not remember you for what you said but for how you made them feel. I think this applies in this instance and should guide you in your action.

Answer 6

Is this a friend who visits your house? If so, the next time she's over, say, "Come here--I have something I want to show you." and show her the transcript of that chat session. Tell her just what you told us--not sure how reliable the source is, where it came from, etc., but you were worried when you read it and thought she should see it. At least you've gotten the ball rolling. It's up to her now to talk with her daughter.

If this ISN'T a friend who comes over and you talk with her only online or at PTA meetings or what have you, just tell her about the spyware you installed and what you saw your son and a friend talking about. It might be uncomfortable to talk about this wtih your friend, but you could save this girl and her mom a LOT of trouble and heartache in the future.

Answer 7

Just go to her and be honest... Tell her that is not something that you wanted to find out, but you did and you think its in her daughters best interest if her mother knew about it... Even if it's not true your son thinks so and there are reasons for why he believes that she is doing that or else he wouldn't be talking about it over the computer... As for your son, he prob thinks that your getting your info through other sources besides the computer... If he ever says anything about you knowing so much, just tell him that people talk... He'll start wondering who he's telling things to that could possibly tell you... And his attention will by far be on suspecting the computer..

Answer 8

It seems that you cannot ask the help of your son for you to be sure. And I think you know your best friend well on how she takes things specially about her family...use this knowledge and tell her that you are not sure yet and you just want her daughter to be safe that's why you decided to tell her, I think you should not tell her about your son chatting about it, because it may lead to a conclusion that your son is one of the people who abuses her, which I hope he is not.

Then, I think it would be best for you and your son to come into terms as well, create trust and good relationship between the two of you so that should something like this come up once again both of you don't have to dance your way around the other but both of you can sit down and talk about it and offer help to each other.

Answer 9

If this person is really your friend, I hope that it will not ruin your relationship, even though you are the bearer of possibly bad news. You don't have to know all the facts before you tell your friend about a rumor that you heard, especially because it is such a potentially damaging one. If your son did this to play a trick on you, it's in very poor taste, so you might want to confront him about it.

Also, if you have reason to believe that this child pornography ring is going on, you should report it to the police as well as your friend. It sounds like something that could be much bigger than both of them.

Answer 10

1) Approach your son for the truth.
2) If it isn't true, talk to your son-calmly-about the dangers of gossiping.
3) If it is true, immediately go to this girl. Tell her you heard some things and wanted to find out from her if they are true. If she admits to it, tell her you are willing to....
4) Take her to get tested for STDs RIGHT AWAY! If necessary, get a pregnancy test done. This can be free at a local clinic.
5) Get the results of the tests.
6) Go WITH her to tell her mother about it. If she refuses to be a part of the talk, go to her mother alone. You can do this before #4, but make SURE the tests get done, even if these "sexual acts" are just kissing people, so that she understands the dangers of causal sex.
7) Tell her you're not judging her, but you'd like to help her make good decisions and protect herself.
8) Try to calm Mom down. Call her daily if she gets mad, and tell her if she needs to vent, you're there for her.
9) GET THOSE VIDEOTAPES.
10) Destroy them. Hope this girl isn't planning on running for office one day.

Answer 11

I agree with some of the others. Confront your son and see if this is true. Then you'll just have to tell your best friend the truth. If she shoots the messenger for looking out for her - then she really isn't a good friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who would be like that anyway?