How do I pull myself together?

Question

3 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I'm living in a foreign country (that I came to because of her) and can't speak the language. I'd go home, but I love my job and I don't want to be unemployed and living with my parents. My work involves lots of interaction with people and I cope with that very well. However, I'm very depressed and I avoid all social situations. There is a lively expat community here, they meet up often, but I never go. I spend all my time working, sleeping or watching films alone. I really don't want another relationship for a long time and I'm not motivated to socialize. How do I get myself to cheer up and get out more?

I'm living in Germany, teaching English. Germans in general have quite a high standard of English, so I've been able to get by pretty easily without knowing any German.

Answer 1

Just ah, I don't know, be happy! Take smiling classes. (Typical Yahoo Answer).

OK, first of all, you came to the foreign country because of you- not her. So YOU could have sex, so YOU could have companionship, etc. I say that not to blame- but you'll feel better if you remember that. You have to force yourself to go out like it is an assignment. Then when you are depressed, remind yourself "Hey, I'm trying- I've gone out three times this month." That will make you feel less helpless.

In motivation, action precedes feeling. You dont' wait to get the motivation to do something and then do it- you DO it, and then see if it motivates you.

With the internet, being overseas barely matters anymore- you can talk to your U.S. friends everyday.

Answer 2

The situation you are in sounds very lonely.All I can suggest is you must make an effort to find friends where you are at. It is not healthy to be alone. Here is what I suggest. Go find a class for speaking the language there for starts. You really need a command of the language of where you are at so you do not run into trouble. This also may be a starting point to meet others. Also find out if the place you are at is everything you want in life. Your job may be good but if you are not happy where you are at then it may be time to go home. See if society there is agreeable to you and take it from there.

Answer 3

I think you need to give yourself time. You are going through a lot and it is natural to need some solitude for a while.

You are lucky to have a job you love and knowing you could go out if you wanted to, must give you some comfort.

Maybe next time someone asks you to go for a drink etc, just say yes without thinking too much about it. Go for a little while and you will probably find it distracts your mind and cheers you up. You don't have to be the most fun guy there. Just sit and let others entertain you until you feel like joining in more.

You will be OK. Try to focus on the positives in your life. All the best.

Answer 4

Aww sorry about that. I know how you feel. When I broke up with my ex boyfriend (due to various reasons) I was very depressed. At the same time I felt as if I caused this upon myself because I dumped him and not the other way around. But I learned that when a relationship is not working its meant to be broken. But at the time I was extremely depressed. I didn't go out much because I was afraid I may meet someone else and I was not ready to start another relationship...especially when I was not even over him.
If the breakup was over something pathetic like a pity argument, or disagreement then I'd say go apologize (be the bigger person) but if was over cheating, then maybe, just maybe you two can work something out. Loving someone is very hard. Its not easy finding someone you click with and when lost you feel depressed which is natural. Personally I would suggest you call her up and talk it over. Tell her how you feel and tell her what this breakup is doing to you. It’s only best to express your feelings. Only if I had I would have still been with my ex. But anyway, just let her know how you're feeling and if she doesn't accept or if she's acting the same way (reason you broke up) then it wasn't meant to be, so that leaves you no option but to move on, even if its going to be extremely hard. But I’ll tell you one thing, when you meet someone else it kind of helps you move on. So yeah if talking to her doesn't work, go out often and make new female friends. But try talking to her first, don't be ashamed to express yourself deep emotions for her because its obvious you're in love with her, otherwise you wouldn't have moved to a foreign country just to be with her. Good luck!

Answer 5

Something that worked for me in a similar circumstance: try to get some context. By that I mean recognize that you're not alone in the world, but that you're a tiny cog in the world. Right now you're so focused on your own woes that the whole world seems bounded by you and what you do, see, and touch on a daily basis.

Get a sense of how much bigger the world is than just your piece of it. I'm not saying that you should feel insignificant, but I am saying you need to gain appreciation for the significance of things outside your own mind. Try getting to know the ins and outs of the city you now live in. Go for walks. Explore. View the night sky on a clear cold night and realize how tiny the Earth is in relation to everything out there...and then realize how tiny you are in relation to the Earth. It's a big world out there, and if you'll first gain some appreciation for how big it is, you can then convince yourself to experience parts of it outside your own brainspace. Worked for me over 25 years ago...good luck.

Answer 6

1. Learn the language. I am surprised you are able to cope at work as it is because of the language problem.
2. Get involved with the expat community. If you are not going to be with your gf anymore you are gonna need friends.


They have to be your prime objectives at the moment if you plan to stay where you are. Out of interest where are you living?

Answer 7

you need to realize that life goes on with or without you so if you want to sit and mope about that break up but remember, time will not stop for you. as time passes by, so do once in a life time opportunities and we all know how we feel when we miss out on one of those. its okay to take some time to yourself to heal, in fact i suggest you do that. let out all the pain. i mean you were in a 4 year relationship and moved to another country because of this woman, that would hurt me too if she decideded she didn't want to be with me anymore. my suggestion is this: take the needed time to yourself, then get yourself together, learn the native language and make friends. your new friends will introduce you to new things and people and that will get your mind of your ex. you have to keep going. chickie is not losing any kind of sleep over you, so why should you be losing sleep over her?

Answer 8

dude - take the first step and go out once...I am sure from there onwards it will be good for you....
a new country means a chance to meet more interesting people of divergent culture...use the opportunity that you have...how about picking up a new language at rudimentary level?

all the best and yea do give the first push to yrself:)
Amit

Answer 9

Make your self go to a social event. It may be hard at first,but it will get easier and who knows you might actually have fun the first time you go, Good luck

Answer 10

Give yourself time, your in the grieving process! You can't expect to be with someone for 4yrs and just expect life to be different and great right away! Slowly get out and socialize and time will heal all!