Wrong to Feel Resentful of Husband's Dependency?

Question

My husband is an immigrant who came here 6 months ago. Now he is a sweet man, but sometimes I feel resentful as my role as sole provider. He relies on me for everything! He speaks little English and he won't even go to the supermarket by himself. He doesn't work (but that's not quite his fault...he's waiting for a green card). He never wants to do anything...the only time he wants to go outside is go with me to the store so I buy him beer and cigarrettes. He watches animation ALL DAY! In other words, he makes no effort to adjust here.
We both lived in Korea (his country) and even I was the one who worked and provided the income. My husband has no ambition whatsoever and never really tried looking for a job or finding a passion in life. Whenever he feels down, he just drinks like crazy. Now, I'm not a golddigger looking for a man to provide for me, but am I wrong for feeling resentful of a man who cannot be indepedent? I'm tired of taking care of everything.

It's getting so bad that I find myself lately horribly attracted to another man at work. I would try my best not to cheat, but I find myself envying other women who have husbands who are self-efficient and can take care of themselves.

I'm not going to cheat, just that I'm worried how I'm feeling attracted to other men.

Answer 1

Gosh, I would be resentful too if I were in your situation. Afterall, he is supposed to be your equal partner, not your dependent.

Answer 2

I married an immigrant also, but he was in this country for quite a time already. I have also taught ESL students, so I know what he is going through.
What you have to go back to is why you married him in the first place. You had to know you would be the one supporting him financially, as well as emotionally as he was adjusting here. You put yourself into the situation, and it's probably harder than you thought. Was he working in Korea - did he have a profession? The best thing you can do is support him to take ESL classes, take some lifeskills training, etc. There's no reason he can't be working at some sort of job as he works things out. You need to be his cheerleader and big support for now. I understand you feeling "tired" of doing it, but don't feel resentment - that won't get you anywhere!

Answer 3

No, you're not wrong. There are plenty things an immigrant can do in this country - he can find other Korean immigrants and become friends with them. There might even be a cultural center around where you live. He should use this time to learn English, because once he does get a green card he will need to speak the language.

My guess is that once he does get a green card and a job, he still will be dependent on you to provide him with social connections.

If you haven't talked to him about it, I suggest you do. Becoming an alcoholic is not a way to solve your problems. Good luck.

Answer 4

No your not wrong for feeling the way you do. however your first clue to know he was a dead beat would have been when you were in his own country he was quit capable of speaking his own language there and still he did not work and hung out.

Your right he has no ambition and your not his mommy.

He won't change as long as you provide for him as you did back in Korea the man knows he has it good so why should he go else where.

Your going to have to lay down the law and expect him to leave takers like that normally stay for as long as the giver allows it then when there times up they move on to greener pastures to find another good hearted person to use. this will be easier for him to do than actually get out and get a job. guys like that work on the system.

bye the way cut up his green card and send em back. we the taxc payer don't need to pay for him to sit around and watch cartoons all day.

Answer 5

you need to talk to him. let him know how u really feel. if he says he will make changes when he gets his green card, give him time but bear in mind, getting a green card might allow him to find a job but being an immigrant he might not fing a job that pays as well as u and that still means u are the main bread winner. will your frustration stop there? u might want to send him off to do the shopping while u say u have to tackle the house work. get him to feel that u need his help. maybe he acts this was cos' u have been doing everything for him and yourself that he feels he's not needed. i some times ask my hubby to help carry the heavier stuff of move some things even though i am capable myself but it makes them think we ladies can't do without them. sort of build up their male ego a bit. give it a try but don't expect everything blend so soon. give it time and some effort. good luck

Answer 6

I think I would reconsider the marriage. I dont think it's worth stressing yourself out all the time over a man. I am married and have been for 5 years now. I know how aggravating it can be. If he doesn't do anything at all. tell him, tell him that you are not his mom or his maid, but his equal. Also, if he didn't work in Korea, what makes you think he will be willing to work here? I am not trying to be rude, just wondering. I would tell him to ship up, or ship out. You deserve to happy just like everyone else. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. You can only give so much, without the other one giving. It takes two ppl to make a marriage work. Not, just you. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck, in your decision.

Answer 7

I belive a marriage is two people who are not just in love , but who can also work towards common goals. This does not sound like your situation. Have a talk with him and tell him how you feel.

Your attraction towards other men is resentment building up against you husband. Sit down and come to a resolution or this will lead to bigger problems. If he cares for you he will take your feeings into consideration and vice versa.

Answer 8

You are not wrong to feel resentful, however you should have realize when he didn't work in Korea. You will start to grow apart. You need to be clear with him upfront that if things don't change there could be problems, if he still doesn't change than he was using you for a green card and a meal ticket. You only need to worry about your happieness.

Answer 9

He may suffer from cultural shock.
Culture shock is precipitated by the anxiety that results from losing all familiar signs and symbols of social intercourse. These signs are the thousand and one ways in which we orient ourselves to the situations of daily life: when to shake hands and what to say when we meet people, when and how to give tips, how to give orders to waitres, how to make purchases, when to accept and when to refuse invitations, when to take statements seriously and when not.
These cues, which may be words, gestures, facial expressions, customs, or norms are acquired by all of us in the course of growing up and are as much a part of our culture as the language we speak or the beliefs we accept. All of us depend for our peace of mind and our efficiency on hundreds of these cues, most of which are unconsciously learned.
When an individual enters a strange culture, all or most of these familiar cues are removed. He or she is like a fish out of water. No matter how broad-minded or full of good will he may be, a series of props have been knocked from under him. This is followed by a feeling of frustration and anxiety. People react to the frustration in much the same way. First they reject the environment which causes the discomfort: "the ways of the host country are bad because they make us feel bad." In the course of time, an individual makes this adjustment. Finally a word on what your fellow countrymen can do to help you get over culture shock. Persons suffering from culture shock feel weak in the face of conditions which appear insufferable and it is natural for them to try to lean heavily on their compatriots.

This may be irritating to the long-term resident, but he should be patient, sympathetic, and understanding. Although talking does not remove pain, a great deal is gained by having the source explained.
Some of the steps toward a cure have been indicated. With patience and understanding, we can be reasonably sure that time, the great healer, will soon set things right.

Answer 10

Do yourself and all US taxpayers a favor and send the loser back from whence he came. Beer and ciargettes are his only motivation? Doesn;t cook or fix the hpuse? Can you imagine what his motivation will be after he gets the green card? Finding other hard working women to support him or suckling off social programs. He;s a loser.

Answer 11

You have EVERY right to feel resentful!! He is just plain LAZY. I would tell him to get a job (when he gets his green card) or LEAVE. SIMPLE AS THAT. Tell him you are tired of this and will not tolerate it any longer!!
And I would stop buying him beer and cigarettes!! He's not doing anything to deserve them. When he gets his green card-- if he doesn't get a job, leave him!! He's lazy and you deserve better than that!!!