How do I leave abusive husband when I have gotten used to his abuse?

Question

I have been preparing to leave my verbally/emotionally abusive husband. He has been physical a while back in the past by choking me on 3 occasions. My mind keeps telling me to leave but my heart ends up making me stay. Despite his verbal attacks I still care for him( he also has a sweet side like he's 2 different people). When he's mean I have the confidence to leave, then he goes into sweet mode and I find it hard to gather the strength to leave. It's very confusing. I start to feel hope and we are in counseling but I think he's just going to pacify me. He tells me 'his people' are more important than me and intimidates me by screaming 1 inch away from my face( I can feel his spit). He says he doesn't care what I think or feel and that I can leave him the **** alone otherwise. I have gotten used to this like it's normal after almost 13 years. We have 2 small kids( boy & girl). I can go live with my mom but I always feel if i stick around he will change. I'm so confused & sad. I am 34

Answer 1

You aren't confused....you know this is wrong or you wouldn't want to leave. And you aren't getting use to his abuse either. You accept it...there is a difference. You think, hope and pray, that some day all this is going to come to an end because there is this other side of him. You think that by doing everything right and trying not to make him angry with you is going to bring that good side out. Well, here's a news flash from someone who's been there. Unless the two of you seek some help in dealing with his anger issues, it's never going to go away. This is something you can't fix honey, but he can change it. My husband had to take three anger management courses (court ordered) before he finally got that I was not the cause of his anger. He too, had a sweet side, and I stuck it out. But shortly after the choking, comes the hitting, and after the hitting, comes far worse. I guarantee that when your head is going through three panes of glass...that sweet side isn't going to be on your mind...surviving for your children will be, and once you decide to say "no more", things will start to change. For us, it took some nights in jail for him, being separated from his family, and a GOOD therapist....we came across some really crazy ones. And don't get me wrong...therapy isn't an instant fix. My husband is aware of his temper...it's still there, because of his childhood that he can't let go of, he is always going to carry it with him...but what he does do now, is acknowledge it. We've realized that he has to have an out to release that negative emotion. He's on two football leagues and a basketball league during the winter....and it works. Now I get the sweet side all the time.

I wish you luck honey and remember, saying "no" is the start to making this better.

Answer 2

I can honestly say that I know what you are going through. I had an ex husband just like that for 17 years! Mean as hell when he was drinking, and oh so sweet the next day. He was abusive verbally and physically, most alcholics are ! My advice to you is to leave him and never look back! You'll be doing the best thing for you and your children, by getting away from him. It's very obvious that he is sick and needs some professional help ! Sounds like he could also use a good *** whipin too, but don't try that, just take your kids and go ! I'm sure that your kids will thank you for getting them away from him ! You must listen to your mind on this one and not your heart !

Answer 3

Girlfriend you do not deserve nor should ever take abuse from a spouse. In your heart you know that you need to leave, you just need to do it. Thinking it will get better, is only false hope on your part . Please pull the courage from somewhere and get out of this before it gets worse and believe me it will get worse. I have been drugged around by the hair of my head and cut and the whole time he would say you know ho much I love you , he almost loved me to DEATH. Is that what you want your children to see for the rest of your life. I know how hard it is to leave but, in the end it will be the best and easiest thing you have ever done.Is this the way you want your son to grow up thinking its OK to do this , most important is your daughter going to think that it is OK if someone does it to her??? Please just leave while you still can.

Answer 4

been there. first you have to think of the kids, they will either grow up to hit someone or to be hit by someone. you may think this is ok for you but your children deserve a better life. leaving is hard , after being together for ten years and three kids later i finally found the strength. i hated all men for about five years, then tried my hand at dating. it takes a lot of time and will power but you can do it.

Answer 5

I feel really sad for you. You should give the counseling time to work, but if it does not would then you have to do what's best for you and your kids. I think you just have to take it one day at a time, and it will get easier the longer you stay away. Think about your kids & their future, and they'd be better off not having a potentiall violent situation at home.

Answer 6

I am sad you for you too. Please understand that you are not alone in this and there are people to help you thru it, you have already started by using thus site to reach out to other people and venting .....He is the quote classic abusive husband by his actions. Mean one day then nice for weeks or months then wham its back again. Sounds like you have help by going to your Mothers...that is good.
You must understand that there are two other people besides yourself that are getting hurt by his actions. YOUR CHILDREN you need to think about them first...they do not need to hear or see thier Mommy being screamed at, called down. They need to have safe and loving surroundings at all times. If you keep staying hoping he will get better......it won't....no matter what he says.....Life sucks sometimes/most times it how you deal with it that either breaks you or makes you. You need to think about your children first....that alone will help you thru the trying times ahead. Yes, it is better to be single mother and happy instead of being threatened and scared all the time.
Please call your local woman shelter and talk to to them..please do it for yourself and your babies..
Take care...................

Answer 7

No one should "get used to abuse"! Just leave him and take the kids, run for your life and the lives of your children. You should not be abused ever. He won't change, believe me after 13 years, no, he won't change. He just might kill you. Don't let your kids go without a mom.

Answer 8

If you was smart you would leave!
He will never change.he may say at times he loves you and never wants to let you go?
But sweety think of your children do you want them to grow up seeing and hearing the things your husband says to you? your are a human being and you dont deserve to be treated the way your husband is treating you.
you should move on.before you know it your life will pass you by while your waiting for him to change.and little by little he is draining the life out of you..... why be sad? stand tall and strong and dont let him beat you down...hes the worthless one not you!

Answer 9

He is not going to change! He needs a good kick in the ***! For your kids sake leave the loser and give your children a better more positive environment to grow up in!

Answer 10

My question to you is How can you protect your children from this man ?If you choose not to protect yourself from him.We live by the choices we choose to make .Yet your children live by the choices your husband and you choose to make.They do not have a choice in the matter.This man abuses you instead of protecting you and your children from him .You choose to protect him from prosecution,allow him to countinue to abuse you by doing nothing to protect yourself or your children from him.He feeds off your fear to contol you,plays off your sympathy( his sweet mode) to save himself from prosecution.The sad thing is he is in counsling countinues to abuse you until you choose to stand up protect yourself ,protect your children from this man .Then nothing is ever going to change.I can not believe that a counsler would allow this to go on because not only are you putting yourself in danger by staying with this manYou are putting your children in danger too.