How can I help my depressed husband?

Question

My husband is so depressed he never wants to do anything. He has had a rough childhood I think and often turns to being angry to cover the hurt he feels. Problem is- the anger is directed at me. I am not sure whether he will change w/ counselling. Do I give up? we have 3 kids and our 7th anniv. in march, 07. I love him very much and hate to see him hurting. But I can't let him hurt me either.

Answer 1

take the time to learn as much as you can about his illness. My husband has bipolar disorder. We have had a lot of hard times just like what you explained above in your question. It's not something that you like to ask out in the open, so if you want to email me you can whenever you feel like your ready. The hurt feelings, the anger, the stress has all been a large part of my life for most of our past ten year marriage.

We also have two great kids together. I sometimes see our son getting depressed and he angers easily also.

The good news is that, if your husband is willing to seek counseling he will benefit from it.

The anger and fights honestly caused me to take some drastic measures. It hurts to be hurt, both mentally and physically. I'm now a full time nursing student because I was afraid of how I was going to support the kids and myself once I left him. I was to the point and I went through with leaving and filing for divorce. I'm pretty sure that's what changed his mind about his attitude toward us. He decided that counseling and the right combinations of medications could help him.

He has been seeing councilors now for almost 8 months. Things have improved so much. I want to spend time with him and he wants to spend the time with me. I think it's even possibly better now than it ever was. No more hurt full words, and no more threats or worse. Now our dilemma is mostly finding the time together. He enjoys his job now and works long hours and I spend a lot of time in class and studying. Next semester I will be able to spend much of the time at home with any luck. I won't stop college because things are better now, because I know how fast they can go from good to bad.

I'm worried about a few things that our kids went through when he was at his worst. I see things now and then that kind of remind me of those bad times with them.

I also took the time to go to counseling. It has helped me quite a bit with myself and with learning about him and the depression he faces.

If you don't want to email me please remember that through it all your children are not invisible and they see and hear everything. They also remember things forever. I always told myself if this scenario happens then I will leave, and then it would get that bad. So I would make another scenario up and add a repercussion to it also. It would then happen, just like before. Finally I couldn't do the scenarios anymore and I quit. I moved my husband away and into his own apartment. I was to the point of telling myself that if it was just me and no one else was involved we could stay together and I could handle anything he dished out but we had kids and they were also being emotionally hurt by what they seen happening. I couldn’t do it anymore.

What Andrea said below is very good advice. Try not to be confrontational with your husband. That seemed to trigger the worst in my husband. I learned to use the words "I feel" often, and it worked really well when I was trying to find a hint of understanding from him. It was like a door opened up and things slowly started to progress between us again. Everyone is different though.

I wish you the brightest blessings and strength anyone could ever offer.

Answer 2

If you can; try to get him an appointment with an Internal Medicines doctor. Sometimes they can diagnose the depression and give him a low dosage of meds that will help him without him having to immediately go to a counselor. After 3 months if your husband finds that he is doing well with the help of meds he will be referred to a counselor whom he will be required to visit only every few months for a brief discussion and a new prescription. The anger combined with the depression makes me think that your husband may have what is known as a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Try doing a little research on it and see if the symptoms aptly describe him. There are many more aside from the above listed but given his history it is quite possible. If so, then for his own sake and also that of the children it is imperative that he get help. Don't give up on him and remember that he isn't functioning at a 100 percent and thus is virtually paralyzed by his depression. It is a difficult and painful thing to live with someone in this state. You will be married 7 years and this condition is not going to magically disappear. It takes active measures. Tell him he must see the Internal Meds doctor. He has nothing to lose by doing so. A deep seeded fear is what prevents him from going and also he is in a comfort zone. For the kids sake he must be a whole parent for them.

Answer 3

1) Don;t make him feel crazy or weak.
2) Suggest, gently, that he seek medical attention and then try meds.
3) If there are sexual side effects from meds--don't complain, but try to work through it.
4) Don't tell everyone, including your friends and family that he is depressed and/ or, in your opinion, crazy.

If my husband had done any or all of the above we would not be getting divorced. You sound like a kind and caring woman. Just know that depression is not your his fault or yours. Nobody wants to be depressed. If makes us angry that we cannot be happy, but as hard as we try sometimes we just can't. Meds will help and so will counseling. Best of luck to you and your Husband.

Answer 4

You don't have to take anyone's anger. Depression doesn't give the person a right to mistreat another. If you put up clear boundaries he would not direct his anger at you.

I suggest family counseling, plus individual counseling for him (and maybe yourself).

You must think of yourself and the affect his behavior is having on the children.

Answer 5

I feel so bad for all of you. My family has recently split because of my exes difficultly dealing with his past. The truth is he didn't have difficutly dealing with it, he simply refused to and his inability to cope was taken out on me. I just didn't see it fair that I should be treated badly for something his father did to him 30 years ago. I suggested counseling for him and for us and he refused. I suggested confronting his father and anyone else who has hurt him because confronting the person who has pained me or offended me is what helps me (i don't mean fighting, just saying, "when you_____, i feel (felt) ______, because ________."). He didn't even validate this idea.

You can't help someone who doesn't want it. I knew he was never going to change because he didn't want to. Although he was 35, he had the emotional stability of a 15 year old. I even threatened to leave. Still, he wouldn't budge.

His outward refusal to help himself even with me there by his side and his continuous harshness toward me where the determining factors for me. I believe that even if he had gone to counseling, it wouldn't have helped; he can't be honest with himself, let alone to another person. Lying would only defeat the purpose of counseling.

I do not suggest you leave, for who am I to suggest that you do anything. What was best for me, may not be what is best for you. This is about you and him. What can you handle? How far are you willing to go? Is a resolution important him? Does he know that he is hurting you and your marriage is in jeopardy? Does he care? This is all you but; maybe it helps knowing you aren't alone. Remeber, You can lead to horse to water...

Answer 6

Most do hurt the ones they love first,try to get him some help and work from there,but don't keep being hurt to long befor you make a move for better life for you and the kids,it must be rough on them also.

Answer 7

Although childhood experiences color the way we behave, he is an adult now and should be able to control his anger and not direct it at the people he loves. Suggest the counseling to him and tell him that you are tired of being the scapegoat for things that don't go his way.

Answer 8

i am so sorry about what you are your husband are going through. It can be very hard some times. counseling will only help you and our husband if you both are will to bring about changes n your life to end this pain and suffering. If you want to end this trouble and are motivated to change and turn your lives around than counseling will work.

May you find peace and healing in your marriage and with your children.

Answer 9

Go to family couselling..I suffer from depression & it has helped my marriage in more ways than i ever dreamed of. Don't give up on someone you love without a fight. He is worth fighting for right? I'd also suggest anger management or tell him you will leave if he can't agree to these terms. You don't need to be treated mean ever. Good luck hun.

Answer 10

Im not therapist but merely a newlywed but this is something that was shared with me while in marital counseling (now required to be married here in MI). "Keep your hands tight around the things you love and let nothing take them from you...If god brings you to it, he will see you thru it"
It's not worth losing him for something deeper than he is aware of, seek counseling. Be resilient in the persuit and keep your chin up. Beneath all the bad things, he is still the one you love the most.