i feel like im a bad mother?

Question

after having a really stressful few years, relationship problems etc, i became seriously ill and moved in with my mum. I have a 15 year old son and im a single parent. The last 6 months have been horrendous and i ended up having heart surgery, i then went to stay with my partner but we were always rowing so i came back to my mums. In the meantime, i have recovered but suffer with bad depression. My partner and i are now working on things (we dont live together) as the strain of my illness was causing our rows. I have now decided it is time to go back to my own home but my son is saying its not what he wants. After the stress of recent years, i need a fresh start, i am returning to work and my relationship is back on track but my son is now saying he also hates me and doesnt want to go home. Im not sure how to deal with this as im still emotionally weak from the stress and im suffering post traumatic stress disorder. any advice would be welcome. thanks

Ive been at my mums a year now, was in hospital for 6 weeks and at partners for 5 weeks. I need to get my life back on track

Answer 1

Can you not have a chat with your mum and see if your son could stay on with her for a while. MAybe your son is thinking that you will fail again and upheave him for nothing. If you make the move and prove to him that you can make it work this time he may start to belive in you and have respect for you once more. Take it a step at a time until you regain his love and trust. 15 is such a horrible age for kids anyway - without the added stresses your son has had. Hope it all works out xx

Answer 2

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The Secret of FAMILY HAPPINESS :
1 Is There a Secret of Family Happiness <*
2 Preparing for a Successful Marriage
3 Two Keys to a Lasting Marriage
4 How Can You Manage a Household?
5 Train Your Children From Infancy
6 Help Your Teenager to Thrive <*
7 Is There a Rebel in the House? <*
8 Protect Your Family From Destructive Influences <*
9 Single-Parent Families can Succeed!
10 When a Family member Is Sick <*
11 Maintain Peace in Your Household
12 You Can Overcome Problems That Damage a Family <*
13 If Marriage Is at the Breaking Point
14 Growing Old Together
15 Honoring Our Elderly Parents
16 Secure a Lasting Future for Your Family
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These articles may not have anything you don't already know, but maybe they could help your son understand better what you're dealing with ...

Coping With Post-traumatic Stress
- When Terror Strikes
- PTSD--What Is It?
- Traumatic Stress Will End!
- Symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress
http://watchtower.org/library/g/2001/8/22/article_01.htm *

The Marvels of the Circulatory System
http://watchtower.org/e/20010322/article_01.htm

Heart Attack---What Can Be Done?
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Answer 3

First; you are not a bad mother! Bad parents never worry about what kind of parent they are.

Second; it sounds as if you are taking a responsible approach to solving the problems in your life - good on you, keep up the good work.

Third; your son is going through the stage of growing away from being totally dependant on you, and starting to make his own place in the world. He's had a rough time too, having his life changed with zero control over events. HE DOESN'T REALLY HATE YOU! He probably wouldn't be able to articulate it clearly, but I bet what he really hates is the feeling of powerlessness he's had lately. In your shoes, I'd let him know that you love him, that you couldn't stop loving him if you tried. Tell him you recognise that he's becoming an adult - that he's not there yet, but that he's on the way. In all these discussions you've been having with your partner (and probably your mother), does he feel he's had a voice? He doesn't want to go home; does he know what he does want? Do you perhaps need to sit down with him, too (I know, with all the strain on you it seems like just another straw on the camel's back), and have a discussion in which he knows his opinion is being seriously considered? Is it possible for him to live with his father, or another relative (your mother?) while you get settled? Above all, he needs to know that he's loved, and that whatever decisions he makes WILL NOT CHANGE THAT FACT.

Good luck - a concerned mother is NEVER a bad mother!

Kia ora (be healthy)
Kia kaha (be strong)
Kia manawanui (be of good heart)

Answer 4

Do what you think is best, if your son wants to stay with your mum for a while just let him. He is 15 and doesn't mean what he says to you. He is probably worried that things will go back to the way they were. Why don't you try a compromise with him, let him stay with your mum during the week and let him come home at the weekend. Just spend as much time with him as possible and show him it won't be like it was. Once you get your life back on tract with work and things he will see that normality has returned. Don't stress about it as this will make matters worse, at 15 he is at a difficult age anyway but I am sure he will come round when you are sorted out. Give it time.

Answer 5

Sweetie,you cannot say your a bad mother.As many "mothers" abandon their children all together,so you definately are not a bad mother.Secondly,i think that simply having a talk with your son would help.Allow him to speak openly,and do not overreact or be suprised at some of the things he has to say.He is basicly,telling you he needs stability.With all that moving around,even with all the love you give him he still needs stability.A place he can say,this is my home without being moved around.You could speak to your mother and see if it would be ok if he resided at her home,just until you get things in order.He needs you to spend time with him,and he needs to know things are ok.It sounds like it has been a pretty traumatic year for you both.He has been through alot as well,especially since your his mother and have had some health complications,and the sudden moves.Just allow him to open up and speak.This will open your communication with each other.Just spend time with him,and take him out for a day every week,and speak about your week,or things thats on your mind.Grab a bite to eat,and each of you speak how you feel and what is going on with you.He is feelings a little eerie of moving,as he is afraid that your only going to settle into a new home and then suddenly move again.You need to speak to him.Dont take offense to it,but yet be happy he is opening up to you.Good luck to you hun,and have a good evening.

Answer 6

People will tell you to work on your relationship with your son but I won't. You need to sort yourself out first otherwise what would be the point when your not emotionally ready for knockbacks from him, it will only take you back to square one! Well done for getting this far, you're going back to work which is great. Give it a while & you should see the old you resurfacing & then you will be ready to face your son. He's 15, most 15 yr olds hate their parents, they don't really though, he would be crushed if you were to walk away from him. You do need to explain to him what is happening though. Just tell him you are going to finish getting your life back on track. He may be feeling pushed away, his mother had heart surgery, he was living with his nan & his step dad & mum were constantly arguing, tell him you understand all of that & that once you are you again he will be thankful you did. You need to be strong enough to deal with your sons hurtful comments etc & right now you don't feel you are. You're not a bad mother

Answer 7

Perhaps there is more than meets the eye when your son said he didn't want to go back, he's remembering how tough it was listening to you and his father fight all the time. It's really stressful listening to parents fight, something I know first hand.

Take your son aside and have a real heart to heart, find out why he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.

And who knows, maybe your son has the right idea. Ever thought of that? He's seeing things outside of the box that you and your husband haven't. He's seeing that instead of "happily ever after" and seeing the "I'll take care of you in sickness and in health" his dad just left you to be in stress and in pain. If your husband couldn't stand you because you were ill, and wouldn't stay by your side, your son is probably seeing it as a really good reason to not want to go back. And as harsh as this may seem, I have to take his side on this. Your husband said, when you made the vows, he'd be there for you in sickness and in health. But when you actually got really sick he left you.

Take a good look at what this actually means to you and your son, would you stay with somebody like that? Don't go rushing back just because you're married and see it as an obligatory commitment, because it isn't. :) Your health and safety, plus your sons health and safety, should be your number one commitment.

Answer 8

Your son is old enough to know where he wants to live. He doesn't hate you, but probably feels you haven't put him first, not because of the surgeries but because you moved out and in with your partner and left him. He needs a stable home not to be in and out of your home and his grandmothers. How does your Mum feel about him staying with her? The teen years are hard enough and dealing with your illness and relationship drama may be too much for him. Try to think about it from his point of view.
If you can put his needs first then your not a bad mother, if you force him to come with you for your own needs then your a bad mother.
Spend as much time with him as possible, but don't force him to come home with you. Get yourself well physically and emotionally and that will make you a better parent wither he lives with you or not.

Answer 9

First and foremost, DO NOT feel like a bad mom. You have a 15 year old son. Most 15 year olds do hate their parents. And I'm sure in your health situation you haven't been able to provide all the name brand clothes, and the expensive gadgets that most teenagers have now-days. He's probably just resentful for that. You need to sit down and have a talk with him and tell him that no matter what you love him, and when he's an adult (or if god forbid something with your health went even worse) he'll feel guilty for treating you the way he is now.

Answer 10

your son is old enough to decide for himself

he may feel distant but deep down he does love you

no your not a bad parent you been though alot

try calmly having a heart to heart with him
dont get mad dont say anything negative to him either even if he decides to act out

remember your his mother it couldnt of been easy seeing you go through all that and remember your not the only one in this world with problems

your son needs you to be strong so if he wants to stay with your mum let him

but first have that heart to heart let him know how much you love him and you want him to be happy and that youll always be there for him no matter what he decides. he has to understand you didnt mean to ignore him and that your sorry you kept it from him.

but let him decide. who knows in time or maybe then he change his mind.

just because you have a child it doesnt mean your a bad or good mother all you can do is your best to try to guide them onto the right path.

just let him know you love him most important!