My wife has never been good about cleaning up her own mess. I've tried talking to her about it. She just gets mad and locks herself in our room. I've tried doing it for her thinking she would feel guilty about me cleaning up her mess. She feels guilty but she still leaves messes around the house. I don't know what to do. I can't stand living this way. I love her so much but she is driving me insane. For instance. She fixed some pumpkin cheesecake cupcakes the other day. She never cleaned up she just put all the dishes in the sink. She also left the can of pumpkin sitting out and now it's molding. I've asked her now two or three times and the last time she got mad and went upstairs. Our room is a mess because she leaves clothes lying everywhere. The living room is a wreck with her stuff laying all over the coffee table and her dirty clothes on the floor. I shouldn't have to clean up her mess! But I can't stand it. How can I get her to be more responsible?
2006-11-19 07:28:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I sometimes have similar problems cleaning after myself. I found that my surroundings are simply a reflection of my state of mind. I did find a book called The Messies Manual... It starts by searching out the root of the problem. There is also a website and also support groups that can be really helpful.
I will say that I work better when I'm not hounded. I understand that it was difficult for others to live in those conditions, but when they say things, I tended to feel as though they were attacking me as a person.(I now know that's not the case) A messie's mind just works differently.
So my advice to you is to choose your words wisely. Don't discuss the issue when you are at the peak of your frustration-That will only lead to her getting defensive and becoming non responsive. Try to remember that messie-ness is not a reflection of how good of a person she is, but a symptom of her inability/lack of knowledge as to how to organize things & thoughts effectively.
Maybe you could have someone come and clean the place from top to bottom once, then talk to her about getting help(we all need help for something or other)- whether its through books, support groups, or counseling/training.
She's your wife, so I'm sure you love her and just want what's best for her (and you). Just remember that you can't "fix" her. That's not your job nor your place. Just be supportive and try to be understanding. She has to make the decision to change on her own.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR HER TO CHANGE!!!
2006-11-19 09:43:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the wife just has no clue. Training at this point is pointless. And you can't make her do or not do anything, as you have learned.
If you want to stay, I recommend investing in some large garbage bags. When you are cleaning take her clothes and shove them in the bag. Take her paper, mail, and sundries, and shove them in a bag. Take her dirty dishes and put them in a bag. Put the bags in her closet or on her side of the bed, anywhere that is "her" space. Then tell her next time she does the groceries that you guys are going to use paper plates for meals. You obviously have no option on cleaning up. You can however, make it as easy as possible on yourself......
Or , you can find out what a maid costs. Give her the maid as a birthday present, a Christmas present, a Valentines Day present, a New Years Eve present, an Easter present, a Fourth of July present, a Thanksgiving present........
2006-11-19 07:52:14 · answer #2 · answered by Sunbaby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Clean what you need to make thing for you. Put things in the way and a mess for her. When she has to put up with a mess she will get better. You have to do this in an easy way so that she does not notice. When she has to search for something she really wants quite a few times she may start to learn. Put a few dirty things in her way (like a plate she left) so that they really get in her way. Anything really unneeded throw away when left out so that it will not get left out again. After a short time of doing this they usually start to learn. No one leaves anything in the living room no more here. As for dishes and such one setting for each person in the house. If they want to eat again then the dishes have to get done. Keep a minimium of what ever so there is not extra to get left out.
2006-11-19 07:47:13 · answer #3 · answered by ronnny 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does she have any self-esteem at all?? Is she depressed? I leave notes on the wall above the sink for a reminder to be considerate of others and rinse your dishes etc. The toilet seat never seemed to get closed so when I went to see my mom for a weekend, I SUPER_GLUED it shut!!. When I got home I had a new seat I had to pay for but the seat always was shut. Go to a hotel or a friends etc. for a couple weeks and let her run out of dishes etc.! Hire a maid and then tell her that you cannot buy what she needs cuz ya don't have the $$$$ I could go on and on!!
2006-11-19 07:35:20 · answer #4 · answered by rhonda_seiler 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sorry, you cant. she is a grown woman and if she has not learned to clean up after her self by now she never will. you are right you should not have to live this way. but if you truly love her and want to be with her then i guess you will have to except it and continue cleaning up after her. but as you know, if you really cant then its time to sit down and tell her that you cant deal with another day and that you are leaving, or ask her to leave. the thing is she knows you will clean up the mess,and she knows that you will stay. put a scare into her and tell her your out of there.
2006-11-19 07:47:11 · answer #5 · answered by here to help 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave it, let it go. push it to the side, she'll need something and it'll be dirty then MAYBE she'll realize. But if it's something that could cause a health issue clean it up for your sake. If it's gets too bad the only other options are therapy, counseling, so forth and so on. Or if you have enough bedrooms in your place move into your own room. There are sooooo many options.
2006-11-19 07:33:14 · answer #6 · answered by dnisey64 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have tried to talk to her about her problem with no effect maybe you should be a bit more bold. Instead of picking up the thigns she leaves around, start throwing them out. She will get the hint after a while, if she drops she clothes on the floor and doesn't pick them up chuck them out. She will finally have to pick up after herself when there is nothing left. Take it from me this works. I know it is not the nicest thing to do but they do get the hint. My boyfriend now picks up after himself and actually does the dishes every now and again.
2006-11-19 08:48:51 · answer #7 · answered by adrienne r 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go away for a week and leave her in the house. See what it's like when you get back. That way you dont have to live in it, and it might open her eyes. If it's still as bad (or worse because youre not there) I would suggest talking to her about it, or maybe involve a friend or so. Good luck!
2006-11-19 07:31:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes a woman can feel like she does EVERYTHING, and the man "thinks" he helps, but to her, it's not nearly half of what she needs; so, she gives up.
she gets upset because she cleans and it's a mess again in 10min.
I think doing EVERYTHING w/ her for a week and SHOW her how to organize, etc... will go a long..... way.
2006-11-22 09:10:10 · answer #9 · answered by Dolphinmarine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is this a change from her normal cleaning habits?
Perhaps this has nothing to do with cleaning. Perhaps she is depressed.
Forget about the mess... check on your wife's health.
However if she's ALWAYS been messy, then I suspect she always will be to some degree. You knew that about her when you married her.
2006-11-19 07:34:32 · answer #10 · answered by Vanchaser 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋