Husband and Best Friend Fighting Over Rape?

Question

I am currently going through divorce. My best friend and husband slept together 17 years ago. No big deal. My best friends mother has recently made the comment that my husband actually raped my best friend. Now my soon to be ex is causing problems for me (we have kids in common) and taking it out on me. I dont belive it and havent asked my friend. I believe if its something she wants to talk about with me she would bring it up...I am very confused and hurt and upset at being stuck in the middle...Any good suggestions?

We are divorcing over other issues. I just feel like this is the worst timing possible. Now he is saying I cant let the kids be around her. But what if its true? Maybe that is why he is so angry...thanks for all the comments. Most everyone has good advice!

Answer 1

Well, he put you in the middle. He opened the door to this issue. Maybe you should speak to your best friend. She is your "best" friend after all. 17 years ago "date" rape was just coming into the language as something that was not OK to do to a woman. We were beginning to see newspaper headlines (I am sure it continues to happen) about date rape and gang rapes by high school kids who did not take no for an answer. There is no good reason for you to let him take it out on you. You did not do the rape, that is for sure. If he did or did not then that is his thing. You guys are finished as a couple anyway.

I don't know what broke you both up, but if he wasn't using that as an excuse to put you down, he would think of something else. Instead of being a man about it and just divorcing and doing right by his children. If he is dragging them into this then that is a pretty wienie thing to do.

I hope you have a lawyer. They would know what to do with this. As far as I know (I am not a lawyer) having a woman accuse you of rape is not grounds for preventing her from being in the life of your children. It may be the other way. That is just a childish wish on his part. Maybe his lawyer can give him a heads up.

As to the hurt part, well, this is divorce. It is generally not a pretty thing. Take care of yourself. Do some nice things for you. I pray you find what you did not get in this marriage some day. In the meantime just know that it will hurt, no matter how much of a jerk this guy is. No matter how little you love each other now. It still hurts.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Rape is a forced thing. If your best friend was actually raped by your husband. I would think a bestfriend would have told you before you even married this man. Why after 17 years would it be brought up now, especially by the mother. Maybe your so called best friend lied to her mother back then to cover something up. Try to get honest answers from these people and decide from there what to do. Are you divorcing your husband because of what was said by the mother. Beware of sneaky trouble makers. Some people unfortunately just want to ruin a good thing just to make themselves feel better because they're not happy.

Answer 3

Rape your best friend 17 years ago? Or was this a recent one. If the rape was done 17 years ago- your best friend should of told you before you marry the guy. Only you will know if he's a changed man. Unfortunately you two have kids together- if you do want to go through with a divorce-make sure you have custody on the kids. Rapist don't desearve to have rites. BUT- if it's just all rumors- Dump your best friend and her mother- for you don't need someone so sour on life.

Answer 4

the truth can be made prejudice by ones point of view, neither of them are being completely honest in what they are telling you about what happened. hate revenge, is coming into play here, i see your soon to be x worried that his children might end up believing what is being said about him, and that it might be brought out in court. the first few years of divorce are going to have many situation like this that you will have to deal with, and they will come when you least expect it, take the middle road and tell both of them you want to hear no more on the subject, that if they have a problem with each other then they have to sort it out, if he was of legal age at the time this took place, and she was a minor then in the eyes even if it was by mutual arrangement it still considered rape, so the best way you can handle it is to tell your friends mother that if she has grounds to do it the legal way and go to the police otherwise you want nothing to do with it and don't want to hear about it again.

Answer 5

Stay calm! Don't let words run you down. Why are you divorcing your husband, may I ask? If it is cause by what your best friend's mother comment then you have to stop and re-evaluate the situation. Get your best friend and her mom in the meeting with you. Verify it from your best friend, if rape is the case then ask her to report it. If she refuse to report then that is her choice but it doesn't mean that you have to suffer for your husband action. If you already have a marriage problem and your best friend's mom's comment is another drop of water over the full glass, then let it be. Be prepare to fight for your children. Be strong and stand in your ground. I wish you best of luck.

Answer 6

you may feel confused, hurt and upset, but don't let those feeling out in the open.
like you already said, if your friend needed to talk about it she could come to you.
you and your husband are about to divorce, and then he will be removed and separated from the situation, so don't give him the power to break you down before then.
right now you two need to focus on your kids and get through the divorce.
keep your eye on the prize, and don't allow this one comment that someone made be a distructive point for you, when your kids really need you right now.

Answer 7

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. I guess I would ask her in the nicest way possible. Tell her she doesn't have to answer back right away or ever but you heard about it and you would like to know the truth. I would also like to know why she did not come forward before you married him. I would not want my best friend marrying a rapist even if it would have been hard for me to tell her. I would want to know especially with children involved. I mean it's a whole new story if you are going to be leaving your children alone with a rapist. She needs to come clean with you so you can find out the real deal.

Answer 8

you need to just separate yourself from both of them and if you are divorcing him because she said that and you are in the middle of this then you shouldn't divorce at all. he slept with her and you guys have lasted this long and she starts causing problems now then you need to drop her she may be the problem Family first. if you are divorcing over different reasons then you need to tell both of them to not come to you about any of this and keep it between them because you are wasting time fighting and that time needs to be spent on those children. no one is suffering more than those kids. good luck to you and the children.

Answer 9

It may look as though your stuck in thee middle of a rock and a hard one,but maybe the threat of legal action through your solicitors,as this is harassment which is now a frowned on by courts and police,it is all a bit silly as far as they see it but the laws there for your use,stay lucky

Answer 10

Even if it was 17 years ago and the statute of limitations is over you need to bring your friend and your soon to be ex together to resolve the situation. That is a very significant accusation and needs to be resolved ASAP.