anyone know how i to handle this?

Question

me and my ex husband used to get on ok for the sake of our child which he see's weekends but recently he has become really spiteful towards me,trying to say i feed her junk and dont ever buy her anything which is complete rubbish!! im due to marry next year and my ex is in a new relationship,he never says anything nasty when anyone else is around and he never says it to my face only on the phone. its really starting to get me down now as i do the best i can,which is more than he does!he only has her 1 night at weekends as he says he needs 1 night to himself!? its getting to the point where i dont want to see or speak to him but i have to for my childs sake.has anyone got any advice on how to handle this?

Answer 1

Am i right in saying that everything was fine until he found out that your new relationship has progressed to marriage? if so i would suggest that this fact is what is upsetting him.prior to your new marriage plans he always thought he was you child's father. if however you get married to your new paramour. he feels threatened by the fact that he will be your child's daddy, and not him. This is very common when a marriage breaks up, the other most common stressful time is when you see your partner with another for the first time, remember that?
All i suggest is you reassure him that he will always be your child's father no-matter what, that he will always have a say in how she is brought up. at least in any major way. this is why he is accusing you of neglect. I suspect unfounded neglect because he is challenging you for his right to your child's welfare. Finally i would tell him that although he may lavish gifts on the child YOU are the one who the child depends on for the boring but needed basics in life. the answer is to keep up the reassurances and when you can prove to him that you need his input. please stop the worry this is his problem not yours, he is simply feeling insecure about his future in his child's life. he is afraid the " other guy" will "take over"

Answer 2

Why do you have to see him? An answer would be to leave your child at her grandma's (one or the other) for him to pick her up from there. Or can you meet him at a neutral venue so that he can't start on you? If you carry on meeting him alone at your house, he can continue this behaviour.

When you speak to him on the phone, try to have someone else present and put him on loudspeaker so that person can witness what he is saying. This may be needed if there is any real issues that he creates about you not being a good parent. You can then easily refute what he says. Limit phone calls to just talking about when/where the child is to be picked up and returned. Do not talk about any other subject. As soon as he starts talking about anything else, tell him you are hanging up and do just that. The longer you are on the phone to him, the more he will speak to you like this. If you can use another person to make these arrangements for you, so much the better.

It is because he is getting a reaction from you that he keeps on doing this. If you limit his opportunities to speak to you alone, then you are cutting off the one way he can still get to you. He's probably jealous of your new relationship by the sounds of it.

Answer 3

If he's being nasty on the phone, record it. On mobile phones its quite easy as you have caller display so you can record the conversation with him. Practise doing this with a close friend till you are quick at pressing the correct buttons when he phones. If he phones you on a landline, buy a small recorder from a well known shop, but don't say what you want it for. If they do ask, just say you have to take orders over the phone and don't like to make mistakes. Good luck, we've all had exes that are prats.

Answer 4

you can do your very best for your child but sometimes it never works how you plan it.. you either arrange to meet in a public place when you let your child see there dad or you contact a solicitor most of them have free sessions where you can get some advice with how to handle this, your ex obviously is wanting to hurt you don't take to heart what he is saying your child is living with you, your providing everything he/she needs and looking after he/she the best way, he only sees he/she on occasions and is just bitter.
I would definitely consider a solicitor and you could tell him your seeking legal advice regarding the matter.. good luck

Answer 5

Your daughter can feel the tension between you two. You have to get it together for her sake. I know, I am EXACTLY where you are now with an ex that is totally disrespectful to me with the kids, but you have to find a way to come together and not let her feel anything but secure. If that means sucking it up then do it. The worst thing you can do is tell her how mean her father is in front of her. I have a few friends that are in my position and we go out for girls night out once a month and we call it the "Ex-wives club" and that is when we totally trash our exes, and the ONLY place.

He can say whatever he wants about you but it doesn't matter.
All that matters is protecting her from the only 2 adults she cares about from hurting her with their fighting

Answer 6

It is only healthy for your child that the two of you try to get along. However you don't have to tolerate the abuse. You are divorce for a reason... and you should tell him that. Tell him you are no longer married to him, and you will not tolerate his bullshit any longer. Also, tell him when he visits with his daughter, he better behave and respect you or you will contact the courts and modify your child support and visitation order. Tell him that he doesn't want that... because he may be paying more child support. To really get him go to Support Kids.com... they will really sock the child support on his behind. They don't have sympathy for the fathers. I personally would use that as the last resort because they are a non-tolerable non profit organization. I know I worked there... they are the best... and their work is on point. Dads hate them... but they are serious about the chidren's fiancial welfare.

Answer 7

Buy a small tape-recorder and a microphone to plug into it. Fix some sticky tape to the microphone so that when your husband phones you can stick the microphone near the phone speaker. Don't forget to switch the microphone on first! When he comes to call you can hide the recorder in say, a drawer, and stick microphone head just inside the drawer leaving drawer slightly open. When you have evidence of his behaviour you can then visit a solicitor to see what can be done. If you do not want to go to that trouble just pretend that everything is being recorded and you will be taking action against him forthwith.

Answer 8

That's a tough one to give a single answer to but rather requires some exploring. In theory you strive to stick to the acceptable methods of dealing with adverse situations, polite, civil, calm etc.... But when it comes down to it if the issues are provoked to the point that they become burning issues then the survival instinct kicks in and I always hope that when that happens that I have not made a complete and utter disaster of things with my reaction. I am saying that I emotionally express myself, might need to cry, might need to rant, might have to confront and then blow off the steam depending... If it is something sad like cancer or a heart attack ending yet another life then for me personally it is internalizes. I take that to heart and it changes and effects my every thought and action but under the surface and I don't control, it is an instinctual reaction telling me to live my life as true as I can because you can be gone in an instant. Keep smiling back at you....:)

Answer 9

your life is moving forward, and his is stuck in a rut, so he is jealous.
The more the nasty thing he says the more you know you have got it right, after all he managed to lose you,no doubt by being a jerk
If he only says the nasty things on the phone then cut the calls to a minimum, as a way of controlling them, if you can have a phone that shows who is on the line
consider arranging to have a formal access order made, then everyone knows where they stand and meet only where other people are.

Answer 10

,Sure ! When he starts to criticize you, tell him the coffee is boiling and you have to turn it off. Put down the phone and let him swear for 15 minutes. Then pick up the phone an say "Hallo" a few times and complain on the bad telephone line and hang up. Or get a tape-recorder and record all his nonsense. Remember to tell him that you are recording it. Put your feet on the table, grab your coffee-mug and be glad you got rid of him !