She was 14, I was 19. We fell in love. We had sex..?

Question

I was so concerned that I explained my feelings to her parents...my parents and also her school head mistress.

When we got engaged (she was 16 and still at school), I was *invited* to a meeting with the head mistress. I was subjected to a very strong interrogation, the outcome of which was suportive.

We married when she was 17. I had to get special compensation from the registry office and church to do this To comply with the laws at the time her father allowed her to be my ward until her 18th birthday.

We have now been very happily married for 34 years; have 2 children and 3 grand children.

Does this make me a paedophile??

I do think that these matters are best handled (where possible) by the peers that suround the individual case.

After all. we were both teenagers and in love.

Therefore, what say you; government ministers, judges, social workers and legal experts??

Answer 1

This is exactly the area of law which a senior policeman in Wales is now questioning, and the pressure groups and tabloids will have a field-day over it.

Casting aside law for a moment, there are other aspects which are highly relevant. The first is the biological clock, which now moves faster than it used to do. Once children reach a certain age, which we recognise as puberty, their physical shape and appearance changes......widening hips and enlarged breasts in the female, and muscles and a bulging groin with boys. That age has dropped dramatically in the western world, due to medical care and adequate supplies of good food.

THOSE are the very things which trigger a response; usually in the opposite sex, but not always, by any means. Thus, even girls as young as 14 may appear very adult and become sexually very attractive; often looking much older than they really are.

Boys mature more slowly, but by 15, they are rapidly becoming adults, and quite a few boys at this age are magnificently attractive creatures ........and by attractive, I mean "hot."

As human beings, unless there is something wrong with us, that basic attraction "turns us on" (for lack of a better term), and that is exactly as it should be if we are truly animal/human beings.

In fact, in the animal world, the older males would fight over the right to mate with the youngest possible female capable of giving birth, and our own responses derive from that same animal background.

So, in effect, the most basic law is the law of the jungle, and we cannot escape that.

Returning to the area of law, then the business of actually creating law is influenced by the type of society in which we live, and at the moment, both America and England have a bit of an obsession with paedophilia; even if they constantly misuderstand the term.

However, other cultures and societies do not conform to the same values, and often have quite different laws.

Even in europe, the age of consent varies between 12 and 18, depending on the actual nature of the sexual act and the ages of the individuals concerned. Holland may seem liberal, but the very low age of 12 is set ONLY for those who are under the age of 16, which is a very sophisticated way of protecting children from older, predatory people. Thus, the questioner would have been breaking the law even in Holland to-day, but no-one would probably have batted an eyelid about it, in reality.

In the Czech Republic, I believe the age of consent is still 15, but sex is not something they seem to worry about too much, even at that young age.

The only countries I can personally think of, where the questioner would have been guiltless, would have been Albania perhaps 5 to 10 years ago, where the age of consent was 14, possibly in Japan, where I believe the age of consent is 13 (it may have changed) and in China. It may be the case that 14 is also to be found in certain South America countries. Also, one hears of gypsy weddings, where a girl may be as young as 12.

It doesn't matter about the exact details, because what these various laws show, right across the world, is that people hold very different views, have quite different criminal codes and different sets of moral values, and the Anglo/American tendency to label people is quite alien to most of these cultures.

So to answer the critical question as to whether the questioner is/was a paedophile, it can safely be answered as "yes" in much of the world, but "no" in the majority of it; assuming that China and South America add up to a very large part of the global population.

However, there is another type of law, which unfortunately finds little expression in statute, and that is the morality of true love, which as Shakespeare pointed out, "knows no laws."

On this basis, if the questioner is speaking the truth, then he passes the "true love" test with flying colours, no matter what anyone thinks or says, simply on the basis that the relationship has lasted and obvioulsy been very sucessful. The fact that a very young girl became his lover, then his wife, and then the mother to is children, is proof enough that the age-gap was not really a problem at all, and it is heart-warming to observe that others obviously recognised this right at the start, possibly drew a veil over the law, and took a risk.

In many ways, I was in the same position as the questioner, but not as the older party. At the age of 14, I had a male lover (gay) who was 25, and we stuck together in excess of 5 years. It was beautiful, it was fun, it was extremely positive and the experience taught me more about the value of relationships than all the groping and fumbling in the world. I was ready for it, extremely affectionate and very glad it all happened. Sadly, it had to end following tragic circumstances.

There will be many parents and moralists who will be outraged at the suggestion that even children as young as 14 can make important decisions, can fall very much in love and do actually know what they're doing; but they sometimes can and they sometimes do, even though it is rare.

Of course, we should also bear in mind that the term paedophile is only really appropriate when the love of an older person is directed towards a child of immature sexual years, and this means, I'm afraid, children under the age of about 13. This is exactly what the senior policeman in Wales has been saying.

It is not an appropriate use of the word to describe the very grey area outlined by the questioner and by the details of my own experience, because in biological terms, it is simply "the law of nature" kicking in.

As for those who think that 16 is the right age, or that it should be older even than that, I would suggest that their beloved 14-year-olds may well be having sex right now, but if they are not, they WILL be doing very soon; so they should get used to the idea.

Answer 2

Allow me please, to start by stating that I am not a professional member of the justice system, nor am I an expert.

My answer to your question is in two parts:

1. Technically: Many factors determine whether or not you could be classified as a pedophile under the circumstances of your relationship. First, which state did you both live in and what were their laws governing age of consent and subsequently, for statutory rape? This would have been about 1950 if I am correct, and do know that at one point in our collective histories, the ages at which young men/women were free to engage in serious relationships, etc. did vary. I suppose this warrants a question to you - Was this act you engaged in 'normal' for the time and the place you were living in? From your question, it appears not, but I would rather hear from you on it.

2. Morally/ethically: This is a very muddy section of waters; however, it seems to me that you fell in love with this girl, and still love this woman. Pedophilia is usually characterized by the lack of love and more by the drive to control or over-power a child in a narcissistic fashion. I cannot speak for the entire situation of your relationship, but it appears to lean more to the side of you falling in love with a person, and not so much as one where you had filled twisted desires through deviant behavior.

My short answer is NO. I do not believe that you fit the bill as a pedophile, unless 14 year old girls are on your list to this day. Good luck and look in your heart for the final answer to your own question.

Again, I am not an expert, just an average joe.

Answer 3

Hey many marriages have lasted where a couple were very young. You were 19 she was 14 is a five year difference and by todays standards yes you would be tried as a pedophile.
I am glad it worked out for you as a couple but by and large even if it was not a crime I think the whole commitment aspect is a poor idea at the age of 14. Look she could have used that time to just be a teen and enjoy life and perhaps her own personal plans of a education, trips, dances, and being free. Even nineteen is young to make a commitment. Did you do all things that you wanted to prior to getting married? I doubt it at nineteen.

The children of today are growing up too quick, there was a time as you are aware of that it was just great to be a child. To ride a bike, play marbles, or dolls, and act silly. Now it seems to start at 12 the girls want to wear makeup and the guys want to act like the latest gang banger on the street, not cute at all and parents seem to think that is ok.

My bottom line is no it is not, being a child is a wonderful experience by itself, trying to grow up fast and take on responsibilities of and adult is sad.

Answer 4

I'm glad things worked out for you and you are both together for such a long time
BUT
YES U ARE A PAEDOPHILE
I'm disgusted that you lured a young girl of 14 into bed whether you believe it to be love or not.

If you truly loved her why couldn't you wait for her to grow and mature mentally and physically I'm sure you just wanted to capture her when she was at her most venerable state.

They say most girls age years before their peers but at the end of the day they are still children!!
You were an adult at 19 not a child never mind the fact that the word 'TEEN' is at the end of the word, you abused your position and that is wrong!!
Plus there most be something wrong with you to find a 14 year old attractive she may have had a pretty face buy why couldn't you look at women someone who is ready for such a proposition.

I know you would probably look at what i wrote and frown but think of it this way, when you daughter turns 14years old and meets a 19 year old MAN would you really want to give your full blessing to the relationship or would you tell her to wait until she has matured?

Think about that.

Answer 5

This is that slippery slope area. My mom was 16 and my dad 22 when they were married. She wasn't pregnant. Still a virgin supposidly and who knows if that wasn't a reason to marry in order to have sex? They were married 55 years. There's guys out there on the sex offender list that are 21 and had consentual sex with a 171/2 year old girlfriend with upset parents who had money. It's a hard call. There's abuse and there's true caring going on at that age. I do think carrying around the lable of pedophile or sex offender is rather much. I agree it should be determined more on knowledgeable people that know the people personally.

Answer 6

You've been lucky in your situation as you've stuck together through all this time, however, in most situations, this would be frowned upon. My other half is 10 years my senior, I met him when I was 17. Your other half has probably felt at some point that she has missed out on her "childhood" by getting married so young. However, it does sounds as though you've been happy.

People are very quick to accuse others of being paedophiles these days sometimes without just cause. I do think it was wrong for you to sleep together when she was underage, but at least the two of you stuck together. Good luck to you!

Answer 7

If the law didn't stop you, then your not a pedophile at all. It seemed like they were okay about it, you had to sign papers and every thing so know you are not. Plus this was "back in the day" I don't think a word for that incident existed; because a lot of girls married young. Now adays you can not do that at all. So don't worry about it, you've been happy for 34 years...you did nothing wrong.

Answer 8

I'm no expert but I have to say that although it was illegal for you to have sexual relations with her (depending on the laws at that time) you were only 5 years apart and I don't think that would make you a pedophile. Have you had urges to be with young children during your lifetime? If not, then you were just two people that were meant to be together and happened to find eachother at a very early point in your life. My parents are 8 years apart, if my dad had been your age when he met my mom, she'd have been ELEVEN!

Answer 9

When I was 19 (now 38 and a teacher), I would have NEVER had an interest in a 14 yr old CHILD! What could the two of you have possibly had in common? I definitely think that you were walking a fine line. No child is ready for sex and committment at 14 yrs of age! With me, there is no double standard. If I heard about a 19 yr old female with a 14 yr old child, I would be wondering the same thing about her. In society, however, we hear of female pedophiles who are teachers and they get away with a sentence of community service! It is wrong.

Answer 10

If you were a pedophile, you would have discarded your wife as soon as she stopped looking like a young teenage girl, so no, you do not fit the profile.
Of course you do understand that the success of your marriage is an aberration. Teenagers in love, usually do not stay in love because they don't have enough maturity to make love grow.
Statistics do not support that this would be the best course of action for most teenagers. That is why there are the laws on the books to protect children from adults who would exploit them.
I sincerely am very happy for you, and it makes me feel good to hear of anyone happily married for 34 years. I am certain that there was a fair amount of sacrifice and compromise on both sides to come as far as you have together.
If every 19 year old that wanted to have sex with or was even in love with a 14 year old, only wanted to be with that girl for the rest of his life, I agree with you that there would be no problem.
God bless you and your wife.