OK, after 5 years, my sister finally left her emotionally abusive husband. Thing is, she has done this twice before, and each time he follows her and she goes back. How do we help her make the break for good this time?
She has two children with him and he uses them as leverage with her, but when she goes home, he undermines her authority with them on everything. When she sets boundaries and rules for the 5 year old, he deliberatly assists the child in breaking them. When she is alone all day with her son, and attempts to put him in time out for bad behavior, he hits her and says his daddy will get her in trouble now - and his daddy babys the boy when she tells him about the incident and will argue with her about punishing the boy at all. The child is now having developmental issues, and his doctors told her its cause he has no clear rules.
We can keep her safe and help her provide for her children as long as she does not self destruct and give him a way to find her - help?
2006-11-19 04:53:22 · 9 answers · asked by lilmissblossom 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok, to be clear, she left him last night, and is comming to my house in another state with her children. We are asking how we help her stick to her decision to stay gone when he comes after her?
2006-11-19 05:15:18 · update #1
Sounds like she needs a restraining order and some counselling.
2006-11-19 04:55:52 · answer #1 · answered by Amanda S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two things is all you can do. The rest she has to do herself.
I left a horrible man years ago. The counselor told me that unfortunately most women dont and if they do they go back.
1. Get her into a counseling group for abuse women, and also for co-dependancy. Find books that will help. She is staying with you so she has to go.
2. Tell her (over and over) that if she stays with him that her children will learn that this is how you are treated in a relationship. Her daughters will grow up and marry abusers and her sons will abuse.
If that doesnt stop her then nothing will. Dont bad mouth him around her. The best thing to do is to not talk about him as much as possible unless she brings it up then just listen. If you bash him too much her co-dependancy will make her feel sorry for him and you want to avoid that at all costs!
These men to these women are like addictions. They wont stop their addictions until they are hurting enough and they do it themselves. That is why they also go back. They are addicted to the craziness.
You can feed her info and help - but she has to get there herself. You can tell her that you know she will get there. That you have faith in her.
Good luck and dont let too much of this disfuctional mess disrupt your home and your family as well. It isnt good for you or your home to have this craziness around too much. Keep things happy and normal if you have kids of your own at home. Dont neglect yourself and your family for this too much. Good luck and peace.
2006-11-19 13:34:29 · answer #2 · answered by Blondana 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry she's having these problems. No one deserves to be abused.
Unfortunately, she is the only one who is going to be able to make the decision to "end" their marriage. She needs all the help and support you and your family can give her.
Abused women often have low self-esteem. She probably has no self-confidence either. See if you can find a local "support group" and take her. She may need more help than you can offer.
"Professionals" who are trained to help "battered women", may be able to help her finally "move on" and rebuild her life. I wish you all the best with this. Good luck.
2006-11-19 13:43:34 · answer #3 · answered by Mugsy's Place 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter how hard you want her to stay away from him, it is something that she will have to decide to do on her own. I think both parties would benefit from counseling. You and your family members can't force her to make a life changing decision like that. With love and support from you, hopefully she will get out of that situation. It sounds very destructive, her and her children deserve better. good luck
2006-11-19 13:02:47 · answer #4 · answered by Jackie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hon, there is nothing you can do. This is called a disfunctional family, and about all you can do is suggest they all get into therapy for a few sessions, and take a lot of notes..... and nothing will change unless THEY see it, and they want to change. The world, and this site, are full of such people, and such families.... When you think of it, it is amazing that jobs get done, and these people even function. They aren't happy, but ...... I believe the purpose of life IS to be happy.... others figure it is just to survive.... Sorry sweetie....
2006-11-19 14:09:39 · answer #5 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she may be going back to him out of fear she cant make it on her own, or maybe just afraid of being alone... there are all kinds of reasons a person stays with someone who is abusing them... as far as disiplining the children... she'll never be able to teach him right from wrong as long as his own father permits him to misbehave.... talk to your sis about going to a shelter for awhile until she is mentally and emotionally ready to live on her own... i wish you and your family the best
2006-11-19 12:58:14 · answer #6 · answered by DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her whoever told her she has to go back to this abusive man lied to her. You're telling her she doesn't have to. So who is she gonna believe, a liar or someone that is telling her the truth?
2006-11-19 13:31:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There isn't anything you can really do, Your sister has to be the one to take action. She should either talk to your Priest or either talk to a Marriage Counsler or either her husband needs to go to anger mang.
2006-11-19 12:56:58 · answer #8 · answered by Nattiedred 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How much of the decision to leave was HERS and not prodding on your part?
How much counseling have they had?
What, exactly, does she expect to achieve without him?
2006-11-19 13:09:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋