Advice with resentment in relationship?

Question

I work 4 days per week in a stressful job - social services. On my "day off" I have the kids so not much of a break! My husband works 5 days and one day at the weekend he takes students up on a plane as a flying instructor. I end up not having much time off apart from Saturday. I feel resentful as I feel he is getting time to do what he likes and I feel I have to give him that time or else he will not be happy! I on the other hand do not have time for much and really get pissed off! I do get the odd day off occasionally.... I could take Saturdays to myself but then we would never be together as a family.

Am I being unreasonable? Whats the best way to deal with this?

Answer 1

It is difficult to get it all in one go. The days you are working, and weekends are free for you but not for him. Does he need to devote his time to his students evety Saturday? Could he not swap say twice a month so that he can spend time with you and the children?

Im sure there are ways around it, be it him only doing it once or twice a month. If its money, could you not try working a little extra to compensate?Im probably getting this all wrong but without being in your shoes I can only put ideas there.

There are winners here, the question is are you both prepared to sit down and work it out? In a mothers eyes, we dont see where the problem lies with sacrificing one day a month to go on a family outing. But this is a man who is obviously devoted to his career and he enjoys what he does.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't get to see his family in the process.

Answer 2

Hm... This is a toughy. I'm a mother myself with a family and this comes across quite often in my household. Here's an idea. Humor it if you will. Make one or two days a month for yourself so you don't go insane from not having any time to yourself. It does happen. I've been there. Get a family member to watch the kids while you go shopping or out with another friend for coffee. It soothes the soul and lets you know that you're still a person and not just a mom, business worker, wife and whatever other titles you have. Try it.

Answer 3

Stephanie, you have the right to be resentful. But make sure you aim it at the correct person. You know this is a weird problem because I don't think your husband is doing anything purposely to upset you, but, your definitely getting the short end of the stick! My wife is also in the social services and works weird hours. Usually too many. She also is resentful of my hours and my schedule, but not at me! Girl, I just hope you can deal with it in a constructive way. Somethings gotta give, but what? My wife got a Hobie, (an expensive Hobie, but lets not talk about MY resentment shall we?) and that helped her develop new friends, that seems to have lessened her stress quite a bit. Be creative! But, DO something!

Answer 4

Welcome to being parents. As you have discovered, being a parent is not necessarily a binding effect, but a divisive one -- between your job, parenting you have little time for yourself.... this, hon, is the usual pattern until your children are out on their own. And, unless you have other ideas, this is about the way it will be for many years to come. You probably need to sit down with your hubby, and confess your frustration, in a non-confrontational way..... "I need for us to be able to arrange our schedules so that I can have some time for ....." Rather than " You always get to do what you want and I never....." See the difference? Making your wishes known is a skill few of us have, and to be honest, yet thoughtful requires some help in language negotiations. Just by the fact of your life style, you won't come up with a lot of time, but even a few hours occasionally is better than none.....

To answer your question: The best way to deal with this is to get a few sessions of counseling to learn the language. Barring that, get the book called "The Assertive Option" on Amazon.com. Forgot the author, but it is the standard in the field. No one has ever written one better. Counseling and books such as this will help you get what you want without being offensive, and isn't that just the whole point???

Answer 5

you choose how you want to feel. If you like feeling resentful, by all means feel resentful. but then you Will be miserable. try to change the way you look at your situation and you will feel better. your husband works 5 days a week and works as a flight instructor on day 6 so he works six days a week. you only work 4 days a week. all jobs are stressful. do not see yourself stuck with the kids. enjoy your kids . see it as a fun day off. and not a chore.

Answer 6

If he's getting paid as a flying instructor then he's working that day on the weekend. Odds are you two need to make a date night during the week, get a babysitter if the kids are young, and let it be just the two of you.

Answer 7

i imagine you should adhere to it, a minimum of until eventually the youngsters have left residing house. sure, he works plenty, yet he does it so that you as a kinfolk can stay an more advantageous high quality of existence - perhaps you should emphasise that with the youngsters. i don't believe of that you're causing the youngsters to observe his absence, yet try to be assisting him and making excuses on his behalf. I purely imagine what you defined makes him sound a lot extra like an perfect significant different, fairly than a nasty father or husband. He receives sometime off - take advantage of it a week. i in my opinion might want to a lot fairly have one outstanding vacation a week, than seeing my significant different residing house each and every nighttime... also the way you pronounced that you're saying all of this stuff to him, make confident you're literally not nagging him. Ask him about artwork, what he's doing, whhat is it ensuing in, etc etc etc.

Answer 8

No your are not unreasonable, You took the first step to a solution, by asking for advice That is good ,it shows that you want the relationship to work. What you need is some ME TIME ie time to yourself to chill out .You will also need for you and your partner to sit down and talk, express your self Let him know that the sea is getting rough and we kneed to arrange OUR times
so that the two of you have a little quality time with each other.
Set up a romantic diner night ,a film with a nice take out as this removes the fuss of getting reddy to go out ,as both of you would be to tired
the rest thats another chapter! You sound like a very careing wife and mother you partner should realise how thankfull he should be to have someone as understanding as yourself .With todays pressures lots of people forget what it is like to hold each other and TALK ! Good luck and things work out

Answer 9

Becareful with the "resentment" thing luv. It can build up to allsorts, including divorce!. It induces a "hate" towards your partner, and before you know it you will be picking allsorts of silly things going wrong.......and it's all down to resentment.
Have you stopped to think that maybe your hubby is feeling exactly the same?.
I personally know the feeling of not being able to do much,and not having "me time". When we have children, it's not about putting them on the shelf and you getting on with your lifes. It's about caring, loving, wanting to be with your children. Arrange a day out for all of you, spend valuable time together, before it's too late and they have flown the nest!. As others have metioned, compromise is another good idea. You need to have a good chat, tell each other how you feel, and that you are a family, and not just a unit of people falling apart. You both need to make time for each other as well as your children. Be happy for eachother too. You say you feel you have to give time to your hubby or he wont be happy.....has he actually said those words?. If not, maybe you could be taking things abit wrong. He must love you, and should certainly understand that you need some "me time". Take it in turns to having "me time". It's part and parcel of being a parent hun, we don't get much time for ourselves. Please try not to get yourself in a rut, look at what you do have and not what you haven't got. Appreciate everything you have, as others are not so lucky. I fully understand you luv, and i am not having a go at you at all. Find time for you and your hubby to do something together..get a babysitter, then find time for both of you and your children, even if it's a walk in the countryside, an hour on a park, nature walking etc. Us adults can be children too....we can swing on swings and play on roundabouts. Let yourselves go a little and be one of the children.....but who needs to kids to be about to have fun like one?.......certainly not me :) (roll on winter for the snow, ....snowball fight, yeah, heehee). Well, i hope you manage to sort things hun before it gets too late.
Blessings
Soli

Answer 10

You've had some good replies. I hope you can work it all out, but you need to talk to your husband as resentment just breeds more resentment. Is it at all possible for you to cut down your working hours so you get some 'me time'.