Muslim American woman and Muslim Pakistani husband.?

Question

I have been married to a man for 5 years. In all of this time, he's managed to isolate me from everyone, and two years ago I stopped putting up with it and fighting back. He used to really physically abuse me, and then I kicked his butt back one time so badly it dislocated a disc in his spine. Since then, he never attacked me like that again. But all of this time, he's never been happy for any successes I've achieved. He always expected me to act like his success was the best thing in the world and the reason I was alive. I am graduating from College in December, and he's refused to even take off for that. His cheating brother controls his every move. I am divorcing him, though he doesn't know this is in the works. This just adds fuel to the fire. I feel so alone and am given absolutely no love or affection from him that I've started spending time with an ex from my past. He doesn't even care about that. I know it's over, but part of me still wants to salvage it. It's unhealthy and

not good for our two children and I. Our 9 month old son won't even go by him because he spends so much time outside of the home. He comes here only to sleep. The rest of the time he's with his friends or doing whatever he is claiming to do. He's also cheated on me in the past besides physically harming me and breaking my bones. For any holiday, it would be his friends and his family that got all of his attention and even gifts. The children and I got nothing. This was when I was the quiet little thing he was used to. When I started fighting back, it didn't change anything. Talking to him didn't change anything. Telling him what Islam says made him say "I don't care, I'm not doing it". The children were going without clothing until I started working. Our daughter is 3 and still isn't talking because he refuses to accept that she needs help and won't work with her the way I am trying to.

According to culture only, children belong to the father. Islamically, the father comes fourth in line after the mother, mother's mother, and then that mother's mother. Mother has first custody. I am very knowledgable about Islam, so please don't try to tell me children are ripped from their mother's arms and given to fathers who will neglect them and beat them up. In one attack, he actually used our daughter as a sheild. There is no way in HE-- he is getting either one of them after this.

More clarification for those saying to give him another chance, things were so bad at one point I became addicted to percocet and hydrocodone. They made me feel good, and without them I was forced to see how miserable I really was. I am not on them anymore and was only on them becuase for the period of a month I was making weekly trips to the ER for either broken bones or injured arms and given the painkillers, but not now. That's how bad things got. I needed painkillers to deal with it, and I'm a person whose seen a lot more than this without batting an eye.

I bring up religion because a muslim man is supposed to be the opposite. A real muslim man would never act in this way.

Answer 1

you guys should never get physical. one of you should have left the room.

according to the Islamic Shari'a you have the right to divorce him.

but i just wanna give you a little piece of advice, try to work things out especially if you two have kids together. give him one more chance to change, if he didn't change then divorce him. but for the sake of your kids try to work it out.
I'm sorry this is happening to you sister.

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edit:
i read the second part, like i said give him just ONE more chance to change after you tell him how you feel, get it all off your chest.
if that didn't work
get a divorce..

may Allah guide you both and grant you wisdom.

peace.
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EDIT:

broken bones??!! oh my God. there's no more chances sister!!
I'm afraid you should get a DIVORCE ASAP.
i want you to ask a scholar about Khul'. he should tell you how it's done whether there should be something done from the religion perspective or just go by the Law of the Land (filing for divorce in court).
see here
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1118742803355&pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/Page/FatwaCounselE

Answer 2

Me! I've only been Muslim for a month, and I havent told many ppl (including my family). Making the change to Islam is hard, and itll probably be harder with what youre describing. A lot of times, theres not much you can do unfortunately. Whats really sad is that Muslims arent exempt from racism. As an African American, I've experienced racism from other Muslims. I'm not the only one who feels they have been mistreated, so I know I'm not imagining it or being overly sensitive. The racism is subtle, but its there. Everyone should try to remember that Islam really speaks out against racism, which is one of the reasons its so diverse, it has a message of acceptance for everyone. It might be good to remind the families this once in awhile, that in Islam, theres no room for racism

Answer 3

Why did you put up with him all these years and then complain about this when you have a child between you.

Allah has given you an option in the form of "Kula" or divorce from the womens side and you can use it to divorce him but you have to understand the legalities of this very carefully. Your husband should know about your intentions. Don't do something that could ultimately tarnish the relationship with your son. As under Islamic children belong to the husband. The other thing would be that you may not be living in a Islamic state which may not honour Islamic laws.

Answer 4

With all due respect to your plight, U R not asking a question, U R posting your pain, cause U need someone to listen, which is understood. I feel sorry for you and for any women having to live with a man of few human values. Why did U mention religions?? R U implying that Muslim husbands R the worst on earth?
U started "spending time with an ex from the past" can't U wait till U get a divorce? This is unheard of!! U R a cheater too.

Answer 5

sister, i am so sorry to hear that ........ u have every right to divorce him. u know what, if i were there i'd kick his but too. poki's right, give him one more chance, bu tell him that its his last chance. one mistake, leave him. i'm telling u to give him one more chance just so u won't blame urself later in the future, so that u can tell urself that u've done ur very best to save that marriage.

one more time, i am so sorry u had to go through all of this - it's not even a matter of religion, it's a matter of cultural differences between the two of u - i'll pray for u, i promise ..... give my love to ur kids pls

FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS - no way they should be left with that monster

I don't know if u live in the USA or Pakistan. assuming u live in the usa, it shouldn't be a problem to get custody, as for pakistan - i've lived there, sister, i know how hard it is to get from that country

EDIT: omg, i just read ur last post ........ u know what? don't even grant him another chance. leave that son of a bi*** asap. do u have a place to go sister? i'm really worried about u and ur children

Answer 6

This man does not know what it means to be a Muslim or to be a man. trying to salvage something with someone who does not have any consciousness to God or family will only hurt you and your children.

i've read many of your questions and answers and i say duas for you often. i have a dear friend who was married to a man like your husband. he, along with his abuse, would create fake hadiths so as to control her every move. she did some research on Islam as her faith increased and ended up divorcing him. two yrs after that she remarried to a wonderful man. he loves her and respects her... he's a wonderful Muslim and lovers her child as his own.

i'll continue praying this kind of life for you..... and ill also continue praying that you don't allow this man to define Islam for you

asalamwalaikum

EDIT: also sister.... dont let culture influence this. Allah(swt) makes the final rulings. you are right.... YOU, and NOT HIM, keep the children. despite the current culture, islam gave women real and true respect. you are a Muslimah no matter what race you are and you deserve the respect that Allah(swt) says you are entitled to. do not endanger your safety or your children for someone who gives you any less than your basic rights as entitled to you by God and most countries in the world

Answer 7

Sorry to hear about your situation. Its very sad. You should do what is best for your children, that is a mothers job! If you and your husband continue on this path it is very likely your son will grow up to do the same to his wife. and your daughter will grow up and find herself in the same kind of relationship as you.
A mother should always do whats best for her children.

Answer 8

He's not human at all. May God help you. And if I were in your place, I'd ask for divorce. This is not a healthy environment for your kids to grow up within.

Answer 9

good divorce the idiot. you are knowlegdeable about Islam. Maybe you should teach him how a muslim husband is supposed to act.

Answer 10

iam so sorry to hear that "day sleeper" , i wish that there is any thing in my hands so that i could help u , but all i have (god willing) , i'll pray for u , & patience sister and i wish u find the right wise solution to ur problems.

peace.