Please any jokes!!?

Question

Please give me as many jokes as you can!!!
please!!!
THANKS!!!

Answer 1

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at
night.




Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.



Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.





Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!




Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs
???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.






Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter.
"When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know Senor. I'll ask the cooks.
"He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos", gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says "No
Mexican Jews! "Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews! "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews."







A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Fi nding
the door locked, He looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with
the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies,

"The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is
sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
sh*t





When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady near a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes,
sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my
favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"

Answer 2

I hope your not offeneded by blonde jokes....but here are some good ones...

BLONDE FINALLY WINS!

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


SUICIDAL BLONDE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Answer 3

1. one day a man went inside a restaurant. man : do you have frogleg? waiter : no. that's the way i walk! 2. what smells like banana and it is invisible? answer : monkey burps! 3. man : is this tea or coffee? waiter : what does it taste like? man : petrol waiter : then it is tea. coffee taste more like kerosense! 4. why are elephant all wrinkled all over? answer : because they can't fit on an ironing board! 5. how do cats eat spaghetti? a: the same as everyone else put in the mouth! 6.ittle johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"u r not allowed 2 pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "i'm going 2 report u."
"but everyone pees in the pool," said little johnny.

"maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
7."daddy," a little boy asked his father. "how much does it cost 2 get married?"
"i dunno, son. i'm still paying for it."
8."Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'" 9."An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
10. kelvin was mowing grass in his garden, infront of his house. his neighbour, alice, suddenly walked out of the door, slamming her door vigorously and open her mailbox and she groans. she went back inside. then after a few minutes, she came out again and does the same thing continuously for three times. kelvin was confused. so when she came out of her house again, kelvin asks her, " why u keep coming out of your house again and again and check your mailbox?," alice replied," cuz my computer said that i have an mail in my mailbox.

Answer 4

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.
He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"

The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks "Hey, I don't have a house."

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks, "Wait a minute ... my dad died years ago."

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..."

Answer 5

1.Be nice to the ones who smoke.. every cigarette migh be their last.


2. some realities of life,.....
u love someone
u marry someone else.
the 1 u marry bcomes ur wife or husband
and the one u loved becomes the password of ur mail id.

3.a female elephant was waking on the street. some male elephans were sitting there. one of them said''wow! 3600-2400-3600!!

Answer 6

Why couldn't the bird fly through the window?
-
-
-
-
Because it was closed.

Lol that's sooo stupid. it's my friend's joke. =D

Answer 7

wats the fastest bun in th world???




...................................... a scon lol

i thought it was funny.