someone tell me something funny to get my mind off of being stressed?

Question

i need some funny jokes or something but if your gonna be a jerk and say something rude to me dont even bother ok

Answer 1

why do blondes have bruised belly buttons
they have blonde boyfriends

why dont women have any brains
they dont have a p*nis to carry it in

Answer 2

Once upon a time in an Ann Landers or Dear Abby column about the funniest thing grade school teachers have had kids write on papers, I came across these two jewels:

Sir Francis Drake 'circumcised' the earth with hundred foot clippers.

and

Johann Sebastian Bach lived in a small house with a wife and eighteen children; and he practised on a 'spinster' in the attic.

Both of these still make me laugh to this day!

Answer 3

Man, I am sitting here trying to think of something to get your mind off of being stressed and it is very stressful.
My doctor once told me that I was way overstressed, so I took off some of my clothes... I guess I misunderstood him.
My girlfriend told me to chill, I was to high strung, and I asked her if she could stress the point a little, I didn't understand. That stressed her out. She left me, took all my money, all $200 of it, and that stressed my bank account. So now, I learned to relax and try not to worry about things... but I worry that maybe I am trying to hard. Thats stressful. But anyway, be cool. I can't stress that enough.

Answer 4

A duck walks into a bar and says " sir, do you have any bananas?" the bartender replies "sorry, all we have is alcohol. For an entire week, the duck came and went, and then, on the 8th day, the bartender threatens to nail the ducks webs to the ground. the next day, the duck comes, cautiously, and inquires if this place had any nails. when the bartender says " NO! I told you we only have beer!"
the ducks says confidently "Alright, then do you have any bananas?"

Answer 5

ok here they go


UR GONNA DIE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.


GETTING INTO HEAVEN
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had
any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her @$$ in it."

2000 POUNDS OF DYNAMITE
A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" Polly then replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"


hope that helped i hope i made your day

Answer 6

One day, three nuns get very ill and die. Before entering heaven, they have to go through St. Peter's Pearly White Gates; so in order to get through, St. Peter asks them all a question. The first nun goes up and St. Peter asks, "Who was the first man on earth?" the nun pauses momentarily and replies "why Adam of course!" and the bells chime and the white pearly gates open. the second nun is up and St. Peter asks "who was the first woman on earth?" the nun looks off in the distance and says "It was Eve" and the bells chime and the white pearly gates open. Finally the third nun goes up and St. Peter asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" and the nun thinks for several minutes and says "Boy, that's a hard one!!" and the bells chime and pearly white gates open.

My chemistry teacher told us this in class one day and it still makes me laugh to this day!

Answer 7

Strangers on my flight.



Strangers on my flight,
turbans they're packin'.
Wonderin' if they might,
plan a hijacking.
They could pull a stunt,
before this flight is through.

Something's on their minds.
I saw them mutter.
What that in their hands?
Looks like box cutters,
I'm gonna kick some ***,
if they make a move.

Strangers on my flight.
Two smelly people,
and they're not talking right;
and in a moment,
I will grab base ball bat;
and that will be that.
Swing like Joe DiMaggio,
and rip them both a new a_hole.

And if they pick a fight,
and try to screw us,
I'll punch out their lights,
just like Joe Louis.
It would feel so right,
for strangers on my flight.

Ratta Tat Tat Tat,
Budda Bing Bang Boom,
Zooma Zooma Zoom.

Send those bastards to the moon....

Answer 8

From your words, i can see that you are every stress. That's happen to many people and you are not the first one. I am now going to tell you a joke and hope you like it. Jimmy : Mummy, can i click the bowl? Mother : No, Tommy. You have to flush like everyone else!

Answer 9

"Worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery."

"Search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night."

Answer 10

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!



Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

Answer 11

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs!!