Should a couple live together before marriage?

Question

My boyfriend and I come from religious bakgrounds except my family is a lot more religious and controling than his. My family would not stand for it. "Shacking" as it is termed is believed to be a sin. I don't think it's the act of living together, but what happens when lovers live in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. We have a baby together, but to my family there's a difference between committing a sin and living in sin daily. We have never spent the night together because of the respect (or fear) I have for my family. We plan to be married within the next 2 years, but he thinks it's a good idea to live together first to really know what we are getting ourselves into.
FYI: We're in our mid 20's and we both have great careers, if that makes a diff.

Answer 1

I'm sorry i don't believe in leaving together before marriage. I'm not in to all that sin stuff but i just don't think its right. if you make a commitment then make it. My daughter had 2 children before she married but they lived separately. so I'm not a Prud either. I just think marriage should come first. i was 18 when i married and we have been married for 32 years. Your not test driving a car your living your life. I wish you luck in what ever you choose.

Answer 2

YES YES YES and more YES. Live together, on your own where things will have a better chance at getting real. People can be together and happy for years and years then get married, move in together and are miserable inside of a year. Marriage is nothing more than a very expensive peice of paper with your signatures on it, that can turn into another very expensive peice of paper with the same signatures to cancel out the first one. The tax reasons arent even worth it. Love is Love it doesnt need to be made legal to be defined. It cant be bought or sold. Buy a marriage by getting married and spending all that moneyon a big party and material things to make it as special as possible and go on vacation, (the flowers die, the party ends, the honeymoon ends, the band goes on to play other gigs, the dresses get hung up or shoved in a closet never to be worn again, the gifts get stored or used up or break or get upgraded in a year) sell a marriage by spending more money to get divorced and all those materials dont mean a thing anymore. LOVE is a reason to throw a party at your house whenever you want, and go on vacation whenever you want. Proving your love by social standards doesnt make it real. Live together, as married couples do without all the frills, after a year or two you will be content with your relationship, ready to leave, or want to get married. You wouldnt gulp a weird drink without testing it first, or commit to anything for the rest of your life when there are no guarantees. I hope I am making sense.

Answer 3

first you have a baby together, so, you are a family, so why not just get married now if your plans are to get married anyhow. You say you both have great careers so money isn't stopping you from marrying, and it would sure get your families off your case and you would not be living in sin as they call it,so what's the reason to wait two years to marry seems like you should have done that awhile ago..maybe your boyfriend just wants to test the waters and not make that final commitment of marriage, living together is fine for some people and works out just fine but for some people it's just an easy escape route if things don't work out.

Answer 4

I've seen some studies that couples that live together before marriage are less likely to stay together, but that could be because people who wait and get married are more likely to be against divorce. I think it's a good idea to see whether you can live well as a couple before making a commitment, but I am also wondering why you don't just get married now?

Answer 5

Well statistics prove those who live together before marriage have a higher risk of the relationship failing. Don't ask me why. It just happens. No matter how much the generations change no matter how ideas evolve and people change with the times, some things can not ever change. There is something good to be said about good old fashioned marriage between a man and a woman who commit themselves to each other.

Answer 6

If that's what you want to do then go for it. If you are afraid to live with him only because of what your family will think, then maybe you need to ask yourself whether what your family believes is more important to you than your relationship with your boyfriend. Personally, I think you should cut the cord. But that's just me- it's just what I did do. I am glad my boyfriend and I live together, even if my family is very outspoken about their views on the subject- and in a hurtful way. Do you think you can take their criticism but still be happy with your boyfriend? And what about your baby? I think you are lucky that your baby has a father that is willing to take responsibility and help you raise your child together. Good luck and best wishes on this tough decision.

Edit: Pinky (below) has some very good advice.

Answer 7

Have your religious background folks look deeply into their background. I'm not sure when it was, but at some time, it was the custom to live together in a "betrothed state" before actually getting married. You were not allowed to get married until the woman could prove that she could produce a child.

It might sound strange by today's standards, but the thought of getting married to have children is not strange. Back then they just wanted to be sure you could have children.

Of course you have already proved your "worthiness" to be married, so it kinda comes down to your personal choice. I posted this to let you know that things do change over time, do you want to be part of the change or the status quo?

Answer 8

Well this is a wide open question especially now when people don't know who to trust. I have heard all sorts of answers. I've heard horror stories of a person getting married to someone who truly is gay and they were not honest. All of this leads to hurt and a sudden end to marriage. Trust is such a vital part of mar rage. The Bible says not to do it. Pre marital sex will not have the blessings of God. Pre marital sex leads to a lot of heart break. It's not the unpardoned sin. But, it sure is an expensive one. If a couple wants to be blessed they will seek God's blessings. My husband and I did not have pre marital sex. We're middle aged and both had been married before. I have to honestly say that our personal life is great together. We believe it's because we sought God's blessings and waited till we said I do, before we did.

Answer 9

I think it is a better idea to live together before you get married than to throw yourselves into it all at once. I was reading the paper once and an advice columnist had said something like: "You know you're ready to get married when getting married wouldn't change anything between the two of you, or anything about your relationship." I think she's right.

My older sister was engaged to a guy for several months, and they got an apartment together. After a few months of that, they broke up, because they realized that as much as they loved each other, they just couldn't get along with each other while living under the same roof. What if they had gotten married before they moved in together? They would have had to put up with a relationship neither one of them wanted for the rest of their lives or get divorced. Neither are good options.

Just because you live together - and even if you share the same bed - does not mean you have sex. That is a matter of self-control (so long as the both of you truly want to abstain until marriage). Remember: there is a difference between literally SLEEPING together, and actually having sex with each other.

Furthermore, at your age, what do your parents' opinions matter? I understand that maintaining a happy, loving, healthy relationship with one's parents is hugely important - I have one with mine and I wouldn't trade it for the world - but you need to set it somewhere on your priority list. Keep in mind that even though they're your parents, they don't have authority over you at your age. You are not their property, and your life is not theirs to dictate. If they truly love you, they'll want you to be happy. Many times it is just a control issue, and even if you don't do what they want you to do, they'll always be your parents, and they'll always love you. Families have conflicts - that's what we do. They'll get over it.

What's wrong with me; I'm forgetting about the most important person here: your baby! You have to think of your child first, because s/he is the only person involved that really can't fend for his/herself yet. That baby should have a mother, a father and a home - together. Your parents are your parents; your fiancé is your fiancé; but your BABY is your BABY! S/He needs you, AND his/her father! Get married, or start living together, do one of the two, but do it SOON! Do it for the baby, honey!

Answer 10

I don't think so. You don't say how long you have stayed together, but I am guessing it's at least a few years since you have a baby together. By now you both should know each other well enough to judge your compatibility. Living together will just create sin and complicate things.