Help me determine if I'm in the wrong...?

Question

My step-son (ss) who lives with us is 11 and rec'd about $300 in cash and gift certificates for his bday at the beginning of Oct. Now his bio-Mom finally remembers and sends him $100 cash the other day. We have been trying to teach our 4 yr old that bdays only come once a year. Yet his brother has cont'd to receive money throughout the last month or so from his bio-Mom's family. So every time we go to the store his older brother keeps buying more and more toys. My 4 yr old doesn't understand and he really wants a scooter. So what does my ss do with his new $100? He goes and buys a scooter, after telling his little brother "if I have any money left over from getting what I want I'll buy you a scooter." Guess what? My older son spent all of his money and now our son is left hanging. My ss has already gotten more than 3x what our son got for his birthday. I was going to go and get the little one a scooter when husband blew a gasket and said I'd be sending the wrong message! I'm furious!!

Answer 1

Why, exactly, is an 11-year-old allowed to spend $400 on whatever he wants??? Yeah, it's HIS birthday money. Big deal. As parents, it is your responsibility to teach him how to manage HIS money. Savings should always come first. That's an INVALUABLE, loving lesson to teach him. IMO, that's where every penny of the cash should have gone. The gift certificates would have to be used at whichever store they came from, obviously. But maybe you and his father could explain to the rest of the family that you're trying to instill financial values in your ss, and any non-item gifts should be monetary, not gift certificates. If you word it properly, they'll understand.

I certainly believe children should be able to spend birthday money to buy something fun for themselves....but $400 is entirely too excessive for that age. Think how grateful your ss will be when he's 15/16/17, and has a little money saved up in the bank for that car fixer-upper he has his eye on.

As to your 4 year old, he has to understand that his brother was spending his own money....you weren't buying anything FOR him. How is the child to know that that wasn't part of the money his brother received earlier, and was just now deciding to spend? As a previous poster pointed out, life is not fair....and a 4-year-old needs to learn that older kids are going to get things that he won't. What are you going to do when your ss buys a car? Get one for his little brother at the same time??? (But the older boy does need to learn to not make promises he can't keep.) In the meantime, there's a unique concept called sharing. The older boy needs to be generous and let his younger brother have a turn on his scooter from time to time. Not only is that a thoughtful thing to do, it will increase their bonding, as the little boy will always remember how his big brother let him ride his big-boy scooter while helping him learn.

The best gift you can give either of your sons is to spend quality time with both of them....both together and individually. I PROMISE you that in 30 years, THAT'S what they'll remember.....not who got what for what occasion. It's up to you to teach them that keeping a scorecard like that is not what is important in life. And the sooner a 4-year-old learns it, the better. It sounds like it might already be too late for your 11-year-old, unless drastic measures are taken.

Answer 2

Well first off its not your Ss's fault that he gets more than your younger son. And your 4 year old needs to understand that he has to wait for his birthday or Christmas to get what he wants. It's bad enough for the 11 year old that his mother was late with his gift so dont penalise him more for buying something he wanted. Perhaps your husband could have a talk to the older boy about what he says or promised the younger one though. And he should take him shopping if he has money to spend...keep the younger one out of it altogether and then he cant get so jealous. I personally would have bought the younger boy a small toy at the time...explaining that his brother got something big because it was his birthday. His dad should be the one handling this also. When you have outside influences there will always be problems but try to see the other side of things. Regardless anyway..a 4 year old cant expect to get whatever an 11 year old gets...everyone has to wait their turn to grow and be ready for things. Good luck!

Answer 3

First of all, no 11 year old should be spending $400 on whatever he wants. As a step-parent or parent your responsibilities are to make sure that he also understands the value of money. Perhaps you should all decide how much your boys can spend of any birthday money (ie. $30) and put the remainder in a bank account in their name. Trust me, you want to teach both your boys how to save for things later. In the meantime, I would also hold off on buying the scooter for your 4 year old and make it a great Christmas present.

Answer 4

Your younger son is going to have a hard time understanding, that's just life. Your stepson shouldn't have made the promise and you and your husband should make that clear to him. Remind your 4 year old that christmas is comming and he can ask Santa for a scooter. I know it's not fair, but life isn't always fair, and there is not much you can do about that.

By the way, just because your step son has money, that doesn't mean you have to take him to the store.

Answer 5

I don't think it's anything to be furious over. It doesn't seem fair to the stepson that you'd get mad about him spending his b'day money on what he wants. You have to teach your son that sometimes people forget birthdays and when they remember...they send a gift. It's not that hard. I would be sure that the stepson shares his scooter with the little guy, but it was his birthday and he should spend the money on what he wants. The Dad should help him learn about saving and such but if he doesn't that's his decision. Don't be so resentful of the stepson.

Answer 6

It is not ur ss fault that he keeps receiving money from his bio-moms side. However he probably shouldnt of gave him hopes of him buying the scooter for him. He is just a kid so dont 4get that. However, your husband has to understand that you'll son is only 4 and its not like you are just doing it out of spite...doesnt sound like it, its only fair that he gets soemthing also. Even though it may not be his B_day. Every day our child is here with us a Blessed day and spoiling our little onees every once in a while does no harm...now if this is a spoiled lil brat than i can understand ur husband. But other than that he shouldnt be opposed at all. If financially youll can afford it,,,then do it!

Answer 7

2 area answer: a million) God is solid, and hence does not council evil to people which have interesting with Him. 2) what's ideal and incorrect may be determined by on condition that it fulfills a minimum of between both tremendous commandments without eliminating from both of both tremendous commandments, for on those 2 tremendous commandments carry all the regulation and the prophets. 34 yet even as the Pharisees had heard that he had placed the Sadducees to silence, they were amassed mutually. 35 Then one among them, which replaced right into a legal specialist, requested him a question, tempting him, and putting forward, 36 carry close, it really is the great commandment contained in the regulation? 37 Jesus reported unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy recommendations. 38 that is the first and tremendous commandment. 39 And the second one is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40 On those 2 commandments carry all the regulation and the prophets. Matt 22:34-40 (KJV)

Answer 8

Your step son needs a bank account or perhaps needs to buy his own school supplies but not on toys. Your oldest son made a promise to your youngest, he needs to keep his promise no matter what. He needs to start saving his money to buy that scooter. Your husband is not helping. It sounds like one set of rules for your youngest and another for his oldest. Under your roof, there should be one set of rules for both boys, no exception.
Why can't your sson spend the money when he is with his bmother?