marriage problems.. but my husband refuses to try counseling.?

Question

my husband and i have been married for a year.. but i really think that we got married for the wrong reasons. i was pregnant before we got married.. and we got married when i was 5 months pregnant because the baby needed insurance (yeah it's stupid.. believe me). but i don't think that we loved eachother.. we never even got to have a relationship before marriage.. and now we are married with a child.. and i don't think that i love him. i am so confused.. he says that he loves me but when you get married you should love eachother first... not just jump into it hoping it will work out.. we fight a lot.. and sometimes i think that he can be a little controling.. and he brings me down a lot. i have suggested counseling but he doesn't want to go.. i wont force him. what should i do?

also i forgot to add.. that we live with our parents right now but are moving out in a month into a new place... should i go through with this? I also don't think that it's fair to our son. of course he comes first in the situation.

to answer some questions... i am 21 years old.. my husband is 24. he works for law enforcement.. which allows me to stay home and take care of our child at home. yes i do have a high school education.. and have attended some college courses.

Answer 1

You may be less confused than you think. You acknowledge you probably don't love him and got married only for the health insurance for the baby. You are seeing things now after the fact or maybe you are just ready to face what you knew before you married this man.
If you want counselling then go yourself and your husband may or may not participate at some point in time.
You're clear that your child is the number one concern and make sure your decisions are based on this.
Good luck.

Answer 2

Marriage in the first year is tough...Marraige with a baby is even tougher. If you guys can stick it out and look at what problems you are causing, fixing what you can, things will get easier. My hubby and I had a tough time in our first year, we had a baby too.

There were many times I wondered if I still loved him. I think we had a hard time really learning how to be married and I was all hormonal after having a kid, kind of depressed. It made for a bad scene for a while.

We had to learn how to fight. If there is insults and accusations being thrown, it is a mixture for disaster. We learned to look within our selves for the causes of problems, see how we contributed and yet still think of the other. Why do they react the way they do sometimes? Are they using anger as a mask for fear. Maybe with a little compassion they will soften up a little? Maybe, really, you guys just never have sex anymore and are all pent up, lol!

Give it time. Maybe you can ask him why he doesnt want counselling. Be careful not to get outwardly mad at him for how he feels when he expresses it, just do you best to find out where he is. You have to remember too that men are emotionally kind of stupid. They dont have the canny ability women have to know what someone is feeling by a small gesture of body language.

I really hope that over time he might agree to some counselling. If not for you guys, for the sake of the baby. It sort of helps cause we dont get married just knowing how to have a successful marriage. It is totally a learned thing and counselling can help. You could even go on your own to help you figure out what things you can do to improve things.

But dont worry too too much. It is very common that marraige is rocky at the beginning and with new babies. I know ours was, but we have a fairly happy marriage now (though I am pregnant again and kind of bitchy at everything, poor guy). Things do get better if you can have the courage to step up and stick it out.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I m in the same situation and starting going to counseling myself. He had an emotional affair about 15 years ago and I forgave him and moved forward then about 18 months ago I found out he was looking at porn a lot and tried several times to get him to go to counseling and he has refused. He hasn t been wanting to get help for us and for 18 long months all we have been doing is fighting. We have been married for 29 years and I never wanted to give up but it takes two to make a marriage work and I told him that I couldn t do this on my own and we needed professional help. I had this guilt that I was throwing away my marriage but in reality I finally woke up and realized I didn t throw away our marriage I put everything I had into it and it has destroyed me and I don t love him anymore. I m emotionally drained and very unhappy.

Answer 4

It is in the best interest of your son to make this marriage work. Since you are living with your parents, give moving out a chance. You will be able to live as a family should. Your son needs a mother & a father trying to make things work. Living with your parents puts added stress on your relationship among other things. In the last year, you've had many big life changes. The first year of marriage & a new baby is naturally stressful. See how things are once you move out on your own as a family.

Answer 5

It really depends on where your heart is. Why don't you go to counseling? If he sees that you are truly trying to help your marriage, he may decide to join you? It would be worth a try if you want to salvage what you do have. At the very least, counseling would help you deal with the future, whatever that may be. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Are you working? This could be a huge reason that you all fight. And the fact that you are still at home. Do you have a high school education? How old are you? Living with your parents, you both deserve each other, only because you won't find another pair of other losers like you two. If you are just out of high school its one thing. Or maybe something tragic like a house fire. But not pregnancy, you should not be home sponging off of your parents. Go to school, get a real job! You are not a kid anymore so stop whinning, and grow the F up!

Answer 7

umm we're living the same life except ive been in it a year longer and dont live with my parents. this is a hard decision to make believe me b/c im still here. your son deserves to be happy and he will be happy if you and his dad are happy. right now youre not so he's not. it will be hard but what is a relationship without love? be strong and stand your ground. do not get into a lease or mortgage if youre considering divorce b/c it will be a mess. try the counseling but be advised that they dont give you any advice they only rephrase your answers and questions and throw them back at you. if you dont love him dont waste the time. i hope everything works out well for you.

Answer 8

Grow up and look at the rest of the questions and answers on this bulletin board. Realize that even people who get married for the "right" reasons have the same problem (s) you have. Time to grow up. Adults don't get to have the attitude "Just wanna have fun"

Answer 9

your son deserves to be in a loving environment full of adults who respect each other and him. if you don't love your husband and admittedly got married out of duty...then you should part ways. everyone will be happier if you are no longer in a relationship where there is no genuine love.

Answer 10

Divorce!