2006-11-18 12:06:15 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Of course you can date. Your life isn't run by your 10 year old. Your the mom. Date if you wish, just respectfully and without it interfering with your relationship with your daughter.
2006-11-18 12:09:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sure, you can date again. Just put your daughter in the picture first.
Talk to her about what you dating again means to her personally. She's upset about what she thinks it means for her, not the fully-understood situation. This probably includes the fact that to her it means the end of all hope that you'll get back together with your former partner. Don't dodge discussing that one. Make clear, there is no hope of going back. She then has to accept the real situation. She may be temporarily upset, but at least you can move on.
You can find out what she thinks you dating again is going to mean for the two of you and correct any mis-conceptions and reassure her about various things. It might change the way she feels.
Explain to her what she can expect and what you're going to be doing and why you're doing it. To find someone for friendship and romance, who also likes her. Tell her she can expect you to go out with several different people before you find someone nice, because she may get attached to one person, then you decide to end it. Make clear that you'll take her views into account before settling down with anyone, but she doesn't have a veto.
She may have concerns that your next relationship is also going to end in arguments and a messy break-up. If you give her any re-assurances that it won't, make sure these aren't empty promises. You might want to ask friends for advice on how to avoid your previous relationship problems from happening again or ask for advice on here.
Many relationship problems are because the two people avoid discussing problems, because they are scared it will cause further arguments. When a problem arises, you need to discuss it immediately, calmly and dispassionately and correct any mis-conceptions that either of you have about what the other person thinks or feels about you. Then agree on what each of you are going to do about it, not who's to blame. Attack the problem, not the person.
You might consider whether 10 is a suitable age for the birds and the bees talk. There are plenty of good books.
Arrange some fun activities with her or which she can do with friends , so this isn't the only thing going on in her life.
Best of luck.
2006-11-18 20:12:09 · answer #2 · answered by ricochet 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't wait to get flagged for this one....
Let's see this from your daughter's point of view --
You and daddy/mommy couldn't get along, so you tore up her happy home after lots of yelling. Now she has to cope with visitation garbage, which means she can't ever have a normal weekend schedule. She's probably living a lot lower on the financial scale, since it's more expensive to have two households than one. I'm even betting she had to move out of her house, and perhaps even change schools and lose her friends.
Guess what? She wants you and your Ex to get back together!! Hello!!!?!? Go rent out the movie "Parent Trap", which has to be the favorite movie of everyone whose parents got a divorce!!
So what does a date represent to your daughter? One, that her happy life will never happen again, or at least she thinks that it won't happen again. And, she has to share your affections and time with the date du jour, instead of having you all to herself. Worse yet, your date might represent another person who will hurt you!!!
Do you understand her anger now?
The Doctor Laura answer is that you can't date, that the kids come first. I think that answer is unrealistic, but she (Laura) does have a point.
Yes, you can date again. However, now you have to find a spouse who not only will want to marry you, but also "marry" a very angry and hurt and scared little girl. It's not just you dating here, but rather the three of you (you, date and kid).
Personally, I'd hide the dates from the kid, at least until you're ready to get engaged (and I hope that's at least 2-3 years after your divorce is final!!!!). That means dating on non-custodial weekends only, and DEFINITELY no one stays the night!!!!! DEFINITELY NO STAYOVERS!!!
2006-11-18 20:15:47 · answer #3 · answered by geek49203 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down with your daughter and talk to her, explain to her that no matter what she wishes daddy and mommy are not going to get back together again, but that does not mean that you both dont love her, and just has mommy has moved on and is presumably seeing other people daddy has to as well because he feels alone and that although she is there for him it is the only way you can try to make a home for you both again ...
or something to this affect, if necessary both of you need to go sit down with a professional family therapist so that she can work through this and you can get back to some semblance of normality in your life.
2006-11-18 20:14:11 · answer #4 · answered by Pete 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is going through that stage where Daddy's little girl rather have Daddy all to herself. At some point you will have to sit down and discuss this with her, even if that means you telling her it is time for you to start dating again because you are lonely and would like an adult relationship.
Remember you are the Father she is the Daughter, she will need to accept this. It may take her some time but she will accept it.
2006-11-18 20:09:04 · answer #5 · answered by TheOne 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter is upset about you dating? Well, she probably doesn't understand why you want to meet people. Ask her to explain why she is angry that you date. Then try to reason out with her and explain why you do what you do in simple, honest language.
Honesty is the best policy...
UMRmathmajor
2006-11-18 20:08:10 · answer #6 · answered by UMRmathmajor 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you can date. And here's a good idea, take her with you on one.....but just one. She needs the perspective of what is happening and it'll be fun for her. Date someone on the sly two/three times and then tell him/her you need to bring along baby......It'll be fun and your daughter will love you for it. She want's to feel included and when she's just being looked after while you're gone or just alone it makes her feel like you're challenging her. And, here's another... make it a double date. Have her invite a girl or guy along and actually take them to the adult restaurant and even have their own table. I did both of these things and it worked wonders. Good luck, and email me if you need anything. Jack
2006-11-18 20:10:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to move on with your life. You would be more miserable not dating and having a happy daughter than dating and having an unhappy daughter. She will slowly get over it. If you don'y date, she will find something else to be mad about. Good luck!
2006-11-18 20:09:18 · answer #8 · answered by david 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes. she is 10 now and you don't have to go into detail you need to let her know that things didn't work out with dad..or if she thinks your dates are competitors then spend a Little extra time with her she may be feeling insecure about your love AND she may be trying to PROTECT you! from being hurt again...i know you think she is 10 but trust me she loves her mommy and doesn't want anyone else to hurt her.
2006-11-18 20:10:15 · answer #9 · answered by yellabanana77 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter must come first. She is 10 before you blink she will be grown. Give her what she needs now. When she is secure that she is first in your life you'll be able to slowly start dating again
2006-11-18 20:08:21 · answer #10 · answered by BlueSea 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋