Advice for single mum about her son needed.?

Question

My husband (Sams dad) died when Sam was 3 (he's just turned 11). My mum has him when i'm in work (after school) therefore he has no male influences. Sam is a good boy in genral who loves playing football & is very particular in his appearence.
However he has been behaving strange recently,
He has become very shy about his body, If he watches tv with me in just his boxers (after a shower) he will put a pillow over his lap, he also insists on loading the machine with his washing (not that i mind this). & yesterday I caught him weeing on a tree in the garden (which is quite large & seculded).
Has anybody experienced this or have any advice for me?
I thought that he may be starting puberty early, but my mum says that he is too young & little looking.
Whats with the modesty then weeing in outside?
Should I be worried?

My Appologies if this Q appears twice.
I put it in the wrong section before & I am trying to rectify my mistake
Diane

Answer 1

First of all, sit down with your son and EXPLAIN that it is NOT proper behavior to go outside and wee on the tree or anything else -- say "Son, the polite and courteous behavior is for you to go pee in the Bathroom all the time".

Let's put it this way -- he is at the age where he definitely notices his body is different from mom's and grandma's -- and I'd say purchase for him a set of pjs or sleeping pants so that he is less self-conscious when relaxing around the home.

He is at the age where his body is either now or just about to start accelerating that growth spurt, and as such, he will be having reactions with his body that may embarass him at this time. Again, with him having sleep pants on (instead of just his boxers -- and encourage him to do this as polite behavior), then he will be more comfortable.

YOU need to talk to him about puberty and the changes he will have in his body at this time. ASK your child's Doctor if you have questions - or ask for a good book for the boy.

I think it is GREAT that he is taking responsibility for his own washing -- that is good -- and praise that profusely -- a good skill for any male to have. He may also be a bit embarassed about his body functions too -- because, well, as a long-term single mom, I can say that my son at that age did not wipe carefully when he used the potty and it was eventually embarassing for him and he started to learn how to do his own laundry from that point in time.

NOW ... here is one final suggestion -- how about going to his school and asking if they would have a Male to MENTOR your son? As a Single Parent, I KNOW that Mentors are at schools, and they are there for children with difficulties, as well as children of single moms -- especially young boys who do not have a consistent or positive male influence in their lives. TRY This -- and sign him up for the mentor too.

Answer 2

Firstly, can I say that in asking for advice like this, you are proving yourself to be a caring and excellent parent and I am sure that your son is fine, having been raised in such an environment. I remember puberty as a strange and confusing time in which my body seemed almost alien at times and betrayed me daily! I also remember being very aware for the first time that my body was different to a females body. Sure, I knew from being a small child that girls and boys were different physically, but at puberty that difference became meaningful ...and quite scary. I would say that your son is going through pretty much the same experience now. My advice is to give him his space, plenty of privacy - especially with regards to his bedroom and the bathroom - and don't be overly concerned. He'll still come to his Mum for support and advice, but when he needs to. As for your other concerns, firstly I'd be pretty impressed if either of my lazy sons did their own washing or even knew where the damn thing was, and secondly, peeing outside, against walls, trees, fences or indeed anything, is (and I infer no sexism whatsoever here) a "guy thing". We pee stood up which allows us to perform that function pretty much anywhere and we get used to that very early. It's as natural as animals marking their territory and a much earlier and simpler thing than adolescent changes. Which means that though it might seem weird/conflicted to you that he can be so shy one moment and uninhibited the next, it's really not. The two things are unrelated, trust me. Finally, I'd like to add that although I didn't lose my Dad, he wasn't around very much and I (an only child, like your son) was raised pretty much single handed by my Mum, with no male influences or older male role models. Guess what? I'm fine. Happy, well-adjusted, never been in therapy, never been in trouble, had a succession of great jobs and long, stable relationships. Your son will take his cues on how to act as a young man and a grown man from his peer group and his heroes, filtered through the set of values and morals YOU have instilled in him, just as I did with the values my Mum gave me.
I hope my answer has shed a little light for you and allowed you to stop worrying and relax! Kids can be odd sometimes, adolescence is a strange time and teenagers are just plain weird,so don't lose too much sleep over it is my advice. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 3

Please feel free to email me if you like. I'm in a simular situation. Puberity is also starting earlier and earlier for children. Some say it's the hormones in our food, which is very possible. There are cases of 3 & 4 year olds coming into puberity. Thankfully, the Dr.s can usually stop it with a certain drug. You can find more about this on the internet as well.

My husband died when our son was 21 months old, so he's never had a father figure. My son is also 11 years old and going through puberity early. My son has a mild Autism so I'm having to care for him more than most mother's would if the child were not so dependant.

Mine too covers himself either with hands or a pillow. It sounds like your son is starting to discover his own body and what he's doing is normal. Though, washing his own clothes already...there may be some other reason behind that one. Perhaps a friend mentioned they do their own clothes. You may want to talk to him about that and see what's really going through is mind. If he still wants to wash his own clothes, that's fantastic, teach him how. One can never be too early to learn.

As for the tree, that's a normal kid thing and I know of girls that would do it too if they really had to go bad.

I would also suggest getting him a book appropriate to his level of learning, about boys and their bodies. I'm sure he has questions about what's going on.

Normal signs that a boy's going into puberity are
hair under the arms and in the pubic area
they start to sweat & have odor under the arms (help your son find a deoderant that he likes)

Testicles will destind (drop down) my son's destended at age 10

He will suddenly become more interested in girls. My son keeps commenting on the cartoon girls that he sees on TV about how pretty they are, or how pretty a woman is in real life. If you have this happening, just discuss with your son that it's ok to feel this way, but sometimes you can't speak it out in the open in certain social situations. My son will just blurt things out. lol

Answer 4

It is completely developmentally appropriate for him to be more modest now. I suspect that puberty is starting. The size of your body doesn't necessarily define when puberty starts at all. Peeing on trees is something my husband still enjoys doing even in his 40's! When I asked him about it, he said, "Because I can." Ha! Its a "boy thing." Nothing at all to worry about.

Since he doesn't have a male in his life right now, it might be a good idea to look into getting him a mentor. In the US, we have Big Brother's which matches children with mentors. I would definitely use a reputable organization that does appropriate background checks, etc. A mentor can help you out also by helping you know what is "normal boy stuff" and what isn't. Best of luck to you both! :)

Answer 5

No, don't be worried. First of all, do you really think he shouldn't be embarassed when he's around his sister in just his underwear, particularly when it's tight? I mean, your body is kibnd of more personal when you grow up. Would you g around in your underwear when he's there? Second, all boring jobs SEEM fun at the start. If this is the 1st time he's done the laundry, it may seem important to him. It doesn't become boring until you're FORCED to do a chore. As for weeing outside... well, I don't know. Just install a bathroom closer to the tree : ). If he's going into puberty, it's OK. It's not as if it's that big a deal- what's wrong if he is or isn't?

Answer 6

I would say that he isn't doing anything unusual at all. I was very shy about my body between 11 and 14, particularly as I compared myself to boys who were physically more mature. It was quite a harrowing experience for me sometimes - but you just have to get on with things. I wouldn't be concerned about your son urinating outside. By the way, just because he looks young and is small it doesn't necessarily mean that his body hasn't started changing. I'm sure you are doing a great job.

Answer 7

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I have three boys. My oldest is 13 he is big for his age. He is very self conscious of his maturing body. I think your son is just beginning to notice his body is changing ,if slowly, and he is aware of and self conscious about naturally occurring body changes he is experiencing. All boys mature at different levels in that area. He might just be starting early. It has nothing to do with his body type whether he is small boned or little in stature. To address the weeing on the tree all boys like to try that at one time or another, because they can!

Answer 8

Ok you can relax, my son started this type of behavior between 10 and 11. He is almost 13 now, and it only gets weirder. But, it is normal, and yes he is going through puberty, now the same with me, his dad is not around, and he is too embarrassed to talk to mom, cuz she's a girl. So I got doctor involved, he's ok now and somethings he will ask me, others he will ask doc. So just have "The Talk" with him if you can, and have him checked up, (so doc can talk to him) BTW take him to a male doctor so he can open up. Other things that will be coming with this are mood swings, laziness, acne, and junk food cravings. Don't laugh, but it about the same as girls with mensturation. I was suprised myself, I thought my son was going insane, for real. But, working with my doctor and looking up stuff for him to read on the internet really is helping him cope with it. Congrats on your Young Man.

Answer 9

At 11 he may be starting to go through changes, not only physically but inside as well check out this site.. it says that young boys can go through puberty as early as 10, they are called early bloomers.. they start growing a little hair down there, and the genital region gets a little bigger... so he may be feeling self conscious around you.. AND you need to think about this.. just because little boys dont grow boobs or go through PMS.. they still go through changes, you may want to consider sittinghim down and talking to him about it.. OH he will hate it.. but if he IS developing early he needs to hear that everything is ok ya know!

http://www.mariestopes.com.au/news/media_coverage/his_body_normal_or_not

Answer 10

Puberty can start as young as eight or nine. I think you son is just learning his way in life. Most children cover up its normal.. Let him put is things in the washing machine and just keep an eye on him... If hes not wetting the bed or anything like that why worry!! (I wish my son would pick his stuff up and put it in the washing)... Chill out and let him grow.... good luck.