Here are two questions about parents' relationships with adult children:?

Question

1) Is it "healthy" to not discuss things with your adult parents that bother you about your relationship with them? I mean, should you just act like there are no problems and give the performance of an Oscar - winning actor/actress to keep the peace?

2) If it isn't unhealthy to pretend there are no problems, what is the best way act like nothing is wrong? Can some people not pull this off because of their personality? I can't seem to hide my feelings very well, and I need some tips.

This is a very serious question to me, and I appreciate all SERIOUS answers. If you are just going to be a smart elec, please don't answer. Thanks!

I should add that anytime I have tried talking to them before, my mother starts crying because she believes I am implying that she is a bad mother - no matter how nicely I express things. Then my father gets mad because "I" made my mother cry! Talking is not an option at this point. I just need to figure out since I can't talk to them if this is ever going to be a healthy relationship.

I should mention too that I don't live with them. My family and I live about 45 minutes from my parents.

Answer 1

Well let me start by saying that I could have written your questions. I have the same feelings as you that pertain to my parents and I am in my 40's. It is unhealthy to pretend that nothing is wrong and that your feelings dont matter, because they do!! The only advice that I can share with you is what I do myself. Since talking never gets you anywhere, stop wasting your breath....but start keeping your distance from your parents, It really will benefit you to not be around negative people and if you are questioned as to why you dont come around be honest with them and tell them exactly the reason why and until they are ready to listen to your concerns that this is the way it has to be. As for you , you might want to think about seeing a councelor to help you deal with the feelings that you have concerning your parents reactions about discussing problems. I hope one day your parents will open thier minds and listen to you but if they dont then you just have to accept the way they are and just do whats right for you, I dont suggest keeping your feelings to yourself, that only does harm to you. Good luck with this.

Answer 2

Forget "healthy/unhealthy" I think the term you are really looking for is "wise/unwise" and that hugely depends on what the issue or issues happen to be. It is ALWAYS unwise to act like nothing is wrong, if something serious and disturbing IS wrong. For example, if one or both of your parents happens to be intruding into your marriage and your relationship with your spouse - that cannot be tolerated and has to be addressed, and that offending parent given a very clear ultimatum to "knock it off" or I will have to avoid you.
There might be an issue about the way your parents are interracting with your children. - which may be something totally against the way you wish them to be trained and raised. Again, this is a biggie, and you have to come right out with it and make your position clear in the kindest and gentlest way you possibly can;; but if that doesn't seem to be working, then you may have to get much more assertive.
What you have to be very careful about, though, is making sure that whatever that "thing" is that has prompted you to ask the question, isn't you attempting to intrude on THEIR lives in any way that you yourself have no right to do. Parents, especially those who are getting up there in age, come from a much different era from their children. They have often very different ways, habits and thinking processes, and by the standards of those (including their adult children) they may be "operating" on plane that seems to be "exhasperating" and "stubborn". But just because they are your parents, does not take away from them the right to "be themselves" whether you approve or not. So you have to be very clear exactly into what category of "issue" your personal problem falls. I mean, if it is some rather silly issue like your dad slurps his soup at the table when you bring somebody over for a meal, I'd say that comes into the category if issue where the only good advice is if the person you are bringing to eat at THEIR house, can't handle it, maybe you are bringing the wrong kind of person. Aging parents may have a lot of little personal habits that "irk" you. But if it's not intruding into your life and obstructing your path forward, get over it, and never forget, some day it is going to be your turn to be the "older generation" and almost certainly at that time you will be doing and saying things that make some much younger people clench their teeth LOL>

Answer 3

I'm 24 and it has taken a long time for my mother and I to talk. We have gone through many hard times. By the time I hit 21 my mother had moved away and things got bad for her. The only way I could see to help her was to talk. I told her how i felt about things in our life and told her were i think we were headed and that I didn't want to lose a mother. Since then we talk all the time about anything and everything. She is my mother and my friend. She knows that I appreciate that I can come to her for anything and that makes me happy to. There is always a time and place to share things with your parents, but if they don't have a open mind to what you feel or think then you just have to keep pushing the issue till they know that they don't have a child tiring to talk to them but an adult.
I feel that if your parents and you don't share. When it comes time for them not to be there you will regret not saying things that was on your mind.

Answer 4

I have three daughters--two teens and one who is 24. I find it most difficult to communicate with my oldest, for some reason. Maybe it is because she is now an adult and doesn't want my opinion on things, which I tend to be generous at offering. She seems to have a hard time telling me her feelings for awhile, then when she finally does, she is angry and upset. I think it is never a good idea to act like things are fine when they are not. If you don't have honest communication in any relationship, it will be strained and superficial.

I know it may seem that your parents might not listen to you or it will make things awkward if you are truthful, but that is the chance you must take if you want to improve your relationship.

One word of caution though, if there are some very stressful things you plan to bring up, perhaps it would be best to wait until after the holidays so that you are not stuck with them if you need to get away. Also, if there are several things that are bothering you, it might be best to bring up one or two at a time, see how that goes, then at a later time bring up other things. Their initial reaction may not be good, but maybe after a period of time things will sink in, they will think about what you said, and everyone will feel okay about it.

Answer 5

I had a great relationship with my mom, but it was difficult to talk to my dad about things.

First, I had to remember that my parents are people too. I would definitely suggest talking to them about your relationship with them, but also understand, that they may very likely be doing the best that they know how to do. In that case, I would say that you would just have to accept your parents the way that they are. After you have voiced your differences, then the air is clear.

I don't think it's a good idea to act like nothing is wrong, but of course every situation is different. If you still live with them, then acting like nothing is wrong would literally eat you up inside, which could affect other areas of your life. So unless it will lead to violence, I would suggest saying what it is you have to say. They may not even know that they are doing something that bothers you. As long as you respect them and yourself in the conversation, then I don't see a problem in voicing your concerns.

Answer 6

My wife has this exact same problem with her Mom. Recently, her Mom was ill and my wife had to drive her around and do things for her. Her Mom is very independant and still works 6 days a week. My wife is disabled and has a hard time getting around herself. Every time she was with her Mom she would come home crying and saying that her Mom just didn't get it and she couldn't talk to her. It broke my heart to see her so upset. She continued to try and talk to her Mom about her feelings and the problems she felt they had between each other, but her Mom would just say,"well I 'm just a bad person...I never say or do the right thing". She finally decided it's best to accept her Mom for who she is and enjoy the time they have together. She found just ignoring some of her Moms comments was easier than trying to talk about it. The moral is...just love her for the person she is. It's too late to expect her to change much so just love her. I hope this helped.

Answer 7

since your mom is quite emotionally, hhhmmm...mmm... how bout giving her a huge hug and tell her that she's the best mom and if given the chance you would still want her to be your mom in the next life... "BUT" even the best isn't perfect and that's what she is.... then start talking about the problems and issues you need to discuss with her...
if wont do it now, you'll forever regret the day that you let this day past without even trying and you'll forever be haunted by the question "what if i did tell her? would things change? would i still be the person that i am now? would have this incedent change my life? etc....

Answer 8

i guess i am one of those few people that has a good relationship with both my parents. i can talk to them abt everything and that make my life a lot easier. keeping your feelings bottled up in any situation is a bad idea b/c sooner or later the top is going to come off and who knows what will come out. try talking to your dad separately and explain what you are feeling to him that way you can keep from upsetting your mother. once he understands perhaps he can help you talk to your mother and make her understand what is going on.

good luck

Answer 9

I think it is very healthy to discuss your feelings with them. They may not agree with you and you may not agree with them...and that is ok. Sometimes you have to just agree to disagree. But don't hide your true feelings. It will ultimatly hurt you by pretending to be something you are not. I would discuss things when you have a chance to sit down and talk without interruptions and get it all out on the table. You might be surprised at their reaction. They might choose to respect your decisions, they might not, but at least you are being yourself.

Answer 10

Are you related to my husband? His parents are exactly like that, only it has escalated over the years to threats of suicide and insults from his parents. I have no idea what to tell you. My husband has talked to a padre and was told to just cut his parents out of his life. I would like him to talk to his parents and let them know how he feels and take it from there, he would rather ignore them all together (we live 5000km away). Ignoring them DOES NOT work. I hope your story has a happy ending!