My friend has gone back to a guy that used to beat her. is she wrong?

Question

now before you say anything, first realize that im not in love with this person.
this girl i know who is 26 (Im 19) broke up with her boyfriend a while back. he used to beat her and get sloppy drunk around her. basically used to treat her like nothing (she is the one who told me this.)
i met her during the time that she was away from him (obvious huh? im sure she wouldnt have talked to me if she was with him when i met her.) we talked all the time, she used to alway say how all men were dogs and such, and that finding a good man is so hard to do. the guy she had broke up with even threatened to kill her dog, and she even spent the night over her other friends house 2 weeks just in case he decided to show up at hers and start trouble.
well i just found out that she got back with him 3 weeks ago. she said that she is still "cautious" but that he seems different...in a good way. since she has been with him, she hardly ever keeps in touch with me.
what do u think of all this?

i realize that she is grown and that she will do whatever she wants.

please do not answer this question unless you are mature enough to give a reasonable answer.

Answer 1

I know we don't know each other, but 2 years ago, my sister was stabbed to death by someone whom she thought loved her. She bore him 2 children. She tried so hard to get away, even going 1400 miles away to Virginia. But he kept telling her things she wanted to hear & she invited him back in her life again. Now I lost a sister because of this monster. She kept saying that he changed & would keep trying to work it out. DIDN'T HAPPEN. Just be there & keep an eye out if possible for her. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. I'm telling you, if you have to follow her to keep an eye her, if you think she's in danger, then YOU have to make the move. 'Cause when someone is in love with someone who is brutalizing them, they can't see. I hope this may help in some way, shape or form.....

Answer 2

It is great that you seem to be concerned about her and your friendship with her. She is not wrong so to speak for going back to him, she was desperate, or maybe he threatned her some way that you are not aware of. Woman that are in an abusive relationship tend to go back to that because their self esteem is so low and they figure that is all they can get and that is what they deserve. As for her not talking to you, well you have to take into consideration she is with a man that is basically a nut case, and I am sure that if he knew about you and her friendship he may jump to another conclusion and she could get hurt or worse yet he may come after you, she is the only one that really knows how crazy he is and what he is capable of doing. So she may be trying to protect you as well. I would just let her know that no matter what happens that if she needs help or to get away or anything that you will still be there for her. Don't leave her feeling like she has no where to turn. Be a friend and be there for when she needs it. she is scared right now and taking things in a direction that protects her and you. She also needs to understand that she is better than this and she can do better and to seek some counseling through a shelter or somewhere. Good Luck to the both of you

Answer 3

Attraction is never a choice. We don't chose who we will be attracted to and as a result this can happen. Something about him draws her to him and makes her over look what is obvious to everyone else.

She is not alone I am sure you know. Many women continue to go back over and over. Unfortunately some end up dead.

If talking with her I am sure she could not really define what it was about them that she was attracted to. More than likely it was his independent nature. How he is when not drinking. And how she feels the cares for her.

The problem is that if this happens once it will almost always happen again. There need not be a reason. I have always felt that getting drunk or high brings out your true nature. If you are a truly loving and caring person....when drunk....you may well end up crying over nothing. But if you have a low level rage inside you...while easy to cover up when not drinking....it comes out when drunk.

I knew a guy in the Navy...long time ago. He was the best guy you ever want to meet. But when he got drunk he wanted to take on anyone close. Got him into a lot of trouble including the hospital a few times but it made no difference.

Your friend could be with this kind of guy. I do hope not for her sake.

Answer 4

Regardless of the depth, you must have a connection w/ her.
Violence is never the answer, but it's in our nature. People who feel out of control in their own lives will act out with violece.
You always want to keep the faith in all people, may he's changed, maybe it will be different this time, thats all to often a set up for failure, but keeping sight of good never fails. The best way to address this is to not allow this girl to isolate herself. Friends and support are a must. This always happens in secret, behind closed doors. Men who beat or hit women never do it in public. You, or other frinds don't have to be a warrior, the backup posse', or even the savior, but you can be present with a strong moral character. We wonder why this happens, but some women may feel they deserve the punishment and abuse. Through support and presence, we can bring them to the light.
It never hurts to just whip the dudes a $ $ once or twice, but we feed the fire of abuse. They both need to know there is consequences for their bad behavior.

Answer 5

I think it is very endearing that you care so much for her. However, if he beats her and she has went back this is a very dangerous situation. And she is a women with some serious self esteem issues and when and if she does leave she will be carrying a ton of baggage. This female has put herself into a very dangerous situation, if what she has told you is true. I wish you the best of luck and God bless. Here are some websites you seem as though you are a reasonably intelligent young man. So look up these website and view them for yourself. being in a situation of Domestic Violence is no joking matter, it is very serious and can be very dangerous and even deadly. If the links do not work go to ask.com and type in domestic violence cycle of abuse, all the information you could imagine is available, this is a very serious issue and if you are going to be involved with her you need to educate yourself regarding what you are dealing with. Educate yourself, on the cause and effects of domestic violence, this will give you a greater understanding. The best of luck and God bless******************************

Answer 6

I have been through a similar situation... although I was stupid enough to fall in love with her... he beat her till she had seizures and developed nervous torticolis ..at this point she is 57 and looks like she is 77... He threatened to kill me, her cats ,and even her Mother.. for helping us... but Now she decided to stay with him..I'm not sure if its fear ... she had in put in Jail once,, He threatened to kill her if she didn't drop charges,.. so she did...I think she is a BI-Polar at this time.. I have been lead on for 4 yrs ... I'm through... and the sooner you figure out the same .. The better off you'll be .. I seen her last weekend and she looked so bad .. I could only imagine her in a wheelchair setting in a Rest Home .. curled up and shaking her head nervously, Like Parkinson's disease..I believe she likes to be abused.. this is a proven fact!!!! Most abused women end up returning for more... Till death do them part ..Dint let her drag you down with her....SHES A FOOL!!!!! I Hope This Helps You... Good Luck

Answer 7

Some women find it hard to give up a relationship, even if it is hazardous to their health and well being. A drunk who beats his woman is not likely to change for long, just long enough to get her sucked in again. Be prepared for her to call you and tell you that he hit her again and that she needs a place to stay. She should call the police, but she won't, and have him arrested for assault. All you can do is wait and hope that she will be okay.

Answer 8

She's had a bad past that has taught her that's acceptable to have abuse in a relationship. It's amazing, did you know that she would dump a guy that DIDN'T abuse her. A non-abusive relationship is foreign to her and she'll think something is wrong.
Guys don't change unless it's for their own benefit. The bad thing is that she'll keep saying that he's getting better even tho he isn't.

Answer 9

She is having the illusion that he will change somehow, but he won't... I pisses me off to see girls hanging with guys like that, when there are so many other guys that would treat her right... She'll have to learn the hard way i guess..Just be there for her and try to convince her that there are others out there who are decent...

Answer 10

love works in mysterious ways, she cannot control who she loves, i think when people beat up on their women, they are kinda slowly brainwashing them, the victims feel they have no option or alternative to their current way of life... but then they become dependant on the person who is beating them (psychological control) Just be there for her is really all you can do, if he Really hrts her. report it, she wont coz she is scared of him, but if he is arrested and has a restraining order put on him, he will be stupid to touch her again, if he does, jail time and new life to start.

i am sorry to hear your dilemma, but good luck