Why do woman stay with men that abuse?

Question

I have seen 2 of my aunts stay in 25 yrs of abuse.And I wonder all my life why do they stay.I asked them, all they say is "I love him,or it's not his fault,he was rasied that way". Now my sister who has been married 15 yrs,is staying with her abusive husband.I helped her once to get away from him(3 yrs ago),She went back.Now for 3 yrs she hasn't been allowed to contact any of her family. She sneaks and calls my grandmother sometimes. And I asked her once after she went back why?And she said "Duh I love him".,,,Her and her children were safe with us. It broke me down mentally and physically when she went back. It hurt me more for the children,I have 2 girls they got very close to her girls,and now they keep wanting to know why she did this to her kids?WE were not raised to let a man beat us,but our father did mentally abuse our mom.Is it from being raised in abuse or what?

Answer 1

i think family history plays a major role.. it think low self-esteem may be a catalyst or a trigger too..

if the abuse is serious, it might be worth filing a report with the police or with a non-profit organization that deals with domestic abuse.. at this point, sounds like you have nothing to lose..

these women use the "i love him" as an excuse.. but they are so mentally screwed up that they don't even know what love really is..

totaly sad that abusive men always seem to find women.. lots of nice single guys out there that could be much better..

Answer 2

Have you ever wondered how many of those women have expressed the very same sentiment that you have? More often than not, they meet the guy and he is a total prince charming. How was she so lucky to have met such an amazing man? Even her friends and family say so. Then it starts. Usually, it starts with verbal and/or mental/emotional abuse. He must just be stressed at work, and she *has* put on a few pounds lately. So, she tries harder to be what he wants. Afterall, she is soooo lucky to have such a wonderful man. She can handle if he is ocassionally blunt. He starts to isolate her. Sometimes by acting hurt or irritated when she goes out with her friends or with her family. Other times, he is such a jerk or so annoying to her friends and family that they start avoiding coming over. He convinces her that he is the only person who *really* loves her. He even has proof now that she has no friends or family to talk to. Whether he's cheating on her, physically violent, mentally/emotionally abusive, financially abusive, or any combination of those, he never starts out that way. If he did, she WOULD leave because she still has self-respect and pride at that point. He erodes her self-worth and love over time until she doesn't feel like she deserves any better than she gets from him. Add to that that she now probably has friends and family who are talking about how stupid she is for staying. Well, since that's how he feels about her and how her family and friends feel, she must truly not be worth loving. Everyone is telling her what to do and calling her names if she doesn't do what they tell her to do. How is her family any better? Atleast he feels bad about it when he hurts her. ******** For people who aren't or haven't been abused in a relationship, it is easy to see how wrong the actions of the abuser are and that there is no logical reason for the abused person to stay. However, the abused is not in a logical frame of mind. That's what abusers do. Just because we know that the abuser doesn't love the person they abuse, it doesn't mean that the abused person doesn't love the abuser. And non-abused people truly do not understand the manipulative abilities of abusers. Sadly, like the words of this question, most people who aren't and/or have never been abused don't think it through before they start talking about abuse. They go in with their own ignorant biases and wind up doing more harm than good. Would you mock a person who is physically handi-capped or call them names? If not, then why do you feel that it is okay to do so to people who are emotionally handicapped? Especially since they were emotionally handi-capped by someone who supposedly loved them.

Answer 3

I often wonder that myself, my best friend was in a very abusive marriage, her husband cut her off from her family and friends, i was the only one allowed to visit her and i was the only one he let her go anywhere with. He told her that he liked me and i was cool with him, but i didn't know that he had threated to kill her and her 2 children until she got away from him for good. People stay in a abusive relationship because they love the person and they think that eventually they can change them, but it does'nt work that way. I'm still very deeply in love with a young woman who's in a very abusive relationship with her boyfriend, he mentally and physically abuses her, even after he hit her and knocked her out for 2 hours {she was pregnant at the time} she stayed with him and is still with him now. She said he deserved a second chance, For What? so he can hurt her really bad or even kill her and the baby? i tried everything i could to make her see that he will never change, if he hit her once he will hit her again. I had to walk away from our friendship because i couldn't continue to watch him abuse her, i love her too much to just sit back and watch him hurt her.

Answer 4

After so long of being abused a person is convinced that they are of no value and couldnt ever make it alone. They become so dependant on the abuser that it cripples them. On the other hand, its hard to face the fact that something , prehaps a marriage must come to an end after you have invested so much time and energy into it...another reason is, abused people always seem to hold on to hope that the abuser will change...people who accept abuse ussually are very caring compassionate people, therefore they always feel led to give the abuser " a second chance"....

Answer 5

First of all, not all abuse breeds abuse. My son was a child of major abuse from his father. At an early age he also witnessed the abuse of me. While I have never denounced his father to him, he ultimately learned how to be a man. And a very fine man he is. Any person that feels more comfortable being in a trap than getting out of it is very lost. Routine is often more comfortable than getting out into the real world. Stay by her side and do anything that you can to get her away from this situation. Also, mental abuse can be sometimes worse than the physical abuse...hence....their reason for staying. No one should be abused in any form. Hello...this is America!!!!

Answer 6

Sadly, sometimes women with abusive husbands were abused or observed their mothers being abused and learned to accept this as normal. Abusive relationships are very difficult to break away from because of the mental and emotional "chains" that exist. Do you know why an elephant stays linked to chain attached to a stake in the ground although he is powerful enough to easily pull away? It is because he does not know that he can. He was first chained as very young calf when he did not have the strength to pull away. He pulled and pulled to no avail and finally gave up. By the time he has reached adulthood, he does not even try breaking away anymore.
Something similar happens to humans who are victims of abuse.

Answer 7

They abuse then they are sweet, often apologizing, thus they bond. It's this bond/bonding that makes it so hard to leave. The longer it goes on. the stronger the bond and harder to leave. If it is physical abuse it can be very dangerous. Abuse verbal/physical only gets worse, never better, even though the abused believes if they do "better" they won't get abused. Like we used to say; they/abuser would beat them/family up just for exercise, never needed a reason.

Answer 8

Well, you can stop the cycle of abuse for yourself, but you can't stop your sister's...you know that. Physical, mental, it's all abuse. In your sister's case, she has kids, a history and probably isn't independently wealthy. So, in her mind, she's only going to go downhill from this. It isn't true, but this is HER normal, and it is more secure than the real world is to her. Maybe, she couldn't really get off the ground and take care of herself the last time? (She was probably very scared.) The only way that you can be assured that she will leave and stay away is if you take care of her and the girls until she is stable. It's all really hard...for all of you...but, maybe this time, you will have to carry her...OUT!

Answer 9

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years. I got married at 18 I was young and stupid.It is really hard to explain to someone why that person stays. It is a complex situation. I spent years and years in therapy getting deprogrammed. I had postt traumatic stress disorder. There is a good book you can get that may help you understand her situation better. A counsler recomended to my family. It is called "To be an anchor in the storm" This is a good book.

Answer 10

Women like that think they deserve that life. After so much time has passed in that relationship they come to believe that this is normal and that he is right... they deserve what they get. They think they won't ever get any better men to love them and that they don't deserve anything better. Most abusive men don't just physically abuse.. it's mental abuse as well.