Foster Child Lied all week...?

Question

Our foster child, 5 years old/kindergarten, has been having behavior issues in school since he started in September. We're well aware of these issues because when he comes we ask him what "color" he was on (The teacher pulls cards when he disobeys,Green,Yellow,Red,etc..) and he tells us.

This past week, he was been lying to us about the color he was coming home on. This is absolutely unacceptable in our house, both my husband and I were lied to, and we let him do fun things all week because we thought he was behaving. This is rather humiliating, and no five year old can get away with this in our home.


I really want to spank him, but they say we can't do that. We used to give him hot sauce for a lying tongue, but they told us we can't do that either (they being social services) I don't know what else to do. We tried taking away privileges (early bedtime, write sentences, stand in corner) that doesn't work.

We tried positive techniques, where we give him tokens for good behavior at school that he can use for rewards, that doesn't work.

Nothing is getting through to this child, and we're about to send him back for just the school reason itself. Oh did I mention he's GREAT when he's with us, very courteous, obedient, and hardly gets in trouble. He is also good with his school work and we've been assured he doesn't have ADHD.

Any advice that might get through to this child will be greatly appreciated!

Answer 1

I would suggest using such consequences as taking favorite toys away, use time outs (make them a little longer), Take TV time away... Just try to be as consistent as possible with this. Also you should have a one on one talk with his teacher every day, to find out what color he is getting so there is no confusion on weather or not he is lying.

This boy needs your love bad. I know your hands are tied being a foster mom, but hang in there. Do you best to adopt him ASAP.
Use lots of communication, have really long talks every time he gets in trouble, be consistent with him. He really needs to be spoiled with time, due to the possible neglect/abuse he may have suffered. Try to heal these wounds as fast as possible.

Thank goodness there is another set of parents who put a huge value on truthfulness. I have 3 girls ages 3, 7, and 10 and when i really need a behavior to stop, there is nothing like a good old fashioned spanking. I know your hands are tied right not, I would strongly suggest not spanking or anything else until he becomes your son. Also thank you so much for taking in a child and giving him a mother he so desperately needs

Good Luck

Answer 2

I would talk with the teacher. If the behavior is only happening at school, obviously something is aggitating him there. Perhaps see if she's willing to send home a sealed note each day or to call and leave a brief message about how the day went.

If the child knows that you'll find out, he's more likely to tell the truth. Make it clear to him that it's better to tell the truth, even if you did something bad, than to lie... but then make that TRUE! If he tells you the truth and winds up in the same trouble he'd have gotten in if you found out later... he has no incentive to be truthful. That doesn't mean to let him off the hook either... just be more lenient. Say "you're still in trouble, but we appreciate that you were honest with us so you are only grounded from the TV for the rest of today instead of all weekend", etc.

Also, by talking to the teacher, you should be able to get an idea of what he's doing to get his colors. Kindergarten is hard for some kids... and I"m sure being a foster child doesn't make it any easier. Make sure his counselor knows about this stuff too (I assume he has a counselor, being in the system?).

By getting everyone (including the agency you're fostering for) involved, hopefully you can all work together to help this kid before it gets worse. Good luck!

Answer 3

Oh yes, and this is why the children in todays system are so screwed up. Let's not try and deal with it, or even get to the root of the problem. Lets just send them back and let them become someone elses problem. From my stand point, ppl like you shouldnt be allowed to foster a child. It's bad enough that he has probably been in about 5 other homes besides your's. Why should he behave? When all he knows is that if he is bad he gets sent back. Yes even at 5 these kids know this. I dont mean to be rude, but my god...There are so many children who will never have a stable home. I am an adoptive parent. I saved a child from being thrown from place to place. Thank the Lord for that. This child needs to know he is truly loved and that, it's ok to act out when he is angry, but he needs to do it in a poitive way. If he is lying. Talk to him. I am sure this child isnt stupid by any means. I realize you dont handle lying, no one should! There are ways to deal with it besides sending this poor child back. Oh as far as "Behavior issues" I havent met a foster child yet that doesnt have some sort of issue. These kids, most of them have had horribles lives. I just hpe you can find another way to deal wth this. Sending him back only reassures any insecurities he already has.

Answer 4

Having a Foster child is a trying but yet rewarding thing. I commend you for opening up your home to this child. Here is my advice to you. 5 yeard olds lie. All kids lie. The trick is catching them in them. I would find a way to learn how he is doing on a daily basis. I am a teacher, and I do this thing for a couple of my kids. Talk to his teacher and tell them what is going on. Buy a spiral bound notebook. Each day, the teacher writes in there what kind of a day he had. The teacher puts it back into the backpack to come home. You read it everynight to the child. You write back to the teacher letting them know what is going on at home. Let your child know that the teacher is going to let you know what is going on at school. Dont dwell on the fact that they will be writing negative things... dwell on the fact that they will be writing POSITIVE things as well as the bad. Tell him "This is a notebook that your teacher is going to write to me and let me know how your day was... if you have a great day. she is going to tell us.. and if you have a bad day, she will write that too. Just the fact that he knows the the two of you are talking to the teacher is cause for his attitude to change. Lying is a big problem, but it is a an age old problem that will never go away, but there are ways to get around it. If he has a bad day, read what the teacher wrote. Ask him what happened. Tell him that it isnt proper behavior and ask him what he should have done different. I cant understand how you both feel about lying, but this is common. Give him positive feed back. I am not into giving "treats" for good behavior.. all that does is teach him that he will get something for being good. Later on in life, he will think that everytime that he does good, he needs to be rewarded. If anything, use a sticker chart for a week's good behavior, then maybe on sat.. he can go to Mc Donalds. Make him work for it!!!Thank you so much for being the kind and caring people and taking in this child. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

This isn't unsual for detached children. When she talks schoking about her primary caregiver at home--the people pay attention to her. She might even want a teacher or the mother of someone else or the clerk at the shopping center to take her home instead of you. She has had a switch you know--it has happened before. Why are you so special that it can't happen with you? It's part of the deal with some children. When you are parenting a child with these kinds of issues then you need to become a complete Open-Book. She needs you to put services in place, therapy and educational services. You need to document everything and keep a close working relationship with DHS. Anything anyone anyplace might call CPS about You need to call first. When these kinds of behaviors are happening then it's a Real Cry for help from the child. These behaviors can and are cause by a number of things. They can be emotional, behavioral, personality, complete change of enviornments, genetics, fetal exposure, mental health issue, past prior abuse, you name it. Abnormal Things can happen with any child and when there are clear odd and concerning things then odds are there is something to be concerned about and not just chalked up to one thing or another. There is always a honeymoon--and It has happened that she has Not stayed with the person she was attached healthy or not. So why on earth would anyone think it's really going to stay the way it is right now. These children can be frightened by the suggestion that one day they are going to grow up and Want to make a life of their own. That idea scares them. And the truth is that Everyone lives their lives with family changes as they grow up and old. You don't live with your mother... Lying is not unusual with children for a lot of reasons. A parents job is to help the child learn to over come and deal with any underlying reasons for concerning behaviors. Therapy is a good place to start. Getting a Special Education evaluation can help. Getting DHS and wrap around services--and attending the support groups and training for foster and adoptive parents is important. That's where you find the people that can help you navigate the services in your own community and meet people who you can network with.

Answer 6

Kids lie. If you're not willing to face that truth, then perhaps you're not fit to be a foster parent. Kids who have gone through traumatic experiences (like foster kids) will lie more. Get to the root of the problem before figuring out how to punish/prevent the problem. If he is lying as a way to control his environment (rather than leaving his life up to others- that obviously didn't work in the past), spanking and other forms of punishment aren't going to work. In that case, it's worth the punishment to lie. If he's lying to get out of trouble, then consistent and appropriate punishment should work. If you keep changing the form of punishment, it's not going to work. You've GOT to be consistent. Ask your son's teacher to create a separate behavior contract for him at school (she'll know what this is). Each day should have an incentive if he holds up his end of the contract. Each week should have a bigger incentive. Punishment at home should be swift and consistent. I would simply take away a privilege for that night only. You weren't being honest, so we don't feel you can handle watching TV tonight. Sorry.

Answer 7

As a child I used to tell lies to evade what I felt were bad situations in school. I did not want my parents to know of the trouble I was getting into by not doing my homework assignments. I was lazy and I found homework to be a boring, unconquerable struggle. Naturally this infuriated my teachers who knew I had the intelligence to do it. Lying appeared to keep me out of trouble because it was a temporary fix to a problem at school. My parents never beat me, but I feared the spankings I received when they found out that the homework I was supposed to do had not been completed.
Because this is your foster child, it would be unwise to spank him but I agree he needs a strong consequence for lying or he will continue to do it. Spanking did help to stop the problem temporarily but what really made the change was when I recognized my parents hurt at my actions. This may sound ridiculous and completely irrevelent but the author Louisa May Alcott wrote in her book Little Men an instance where the teacher was going to punish one of the boys for lying and instead of paddling the child, he made the child hit him with a ruler. It may or may not work on a five year old, but if he loves you he would not want to cause you pain.

Answer 8

It is very normal for a five year old to lie. Not all do but most start this trait at this age. Given the circumstances that he was taken from his home and IS A FOSTER CHILD. This child needs extra love and caring. You showing him that people do make mistakes and realize that people need to be responsible for their actions. You make them correct? Who reprimands you? Yourself, and that is what you need to teach him. Teach him from the heart not from the hand. Maybe you should send him back. He is supposed to be in a foster CARE home not a prison and you are not the warden. These children need extra love. More than what you could give your own biological children if you can't fit the bill than don't have them just because they are an extra paycheck. That is why these children are so messed up.

Answer 9

Start sending a notebook that has to be signed by both you and the teacher acknowledging that you are both aware of what is going on.
As far as a punishment...
I would make him write an apology to both the teacher you and your husband.
I would continue the same routine for punishments. Changing will allow him to believe he is in control. So continue with early bedtime or standing in the corner ( I make my children hold their arms out they get tired really fast, but stay for minimum of 5 mins... hold your arms out it hurts).
Remeber only short term punishment will work at 5. So punishing for a whole week will mean nothing to him. Keep it within a day for 5 year old.

Answer 10

Maybe you should see about moving him to another class!Or ask about going to school with him for a few days!Maybe that will help!Sorry to say but being a foster parent myself,you really don't seem like you should be doing this!There's other ways to discipline a child other than spanking "when you can't"or giving the child hot sauce"That is just mean!!!!I'm surprised they didn't take him out of your home then!