Advice about one parent in prison?

Question

My daughter's dad is in prison until 2015. He has been around for her for 6 weeks in the beginning. What he did to get in prison only harmed himself- he didn't cause any problems for us. He never did anything to me and my daughter (besides not be there). I take her to visit him when he asks but I want to know, how many people would bring their child to visit, what they think the outcome of this will be and whether or not it is healthy for me to/to not bring her down there. (ps. my daughter will be aprox. 8 or 9 when he's out) Please, don't bash me, I am not the one in jail!

Answer 1

Why would anyone have the nerve to try to bash you? You have a very legitimate question and I have been going through this for all of my son's life(he is 16). I think that you as a mother should bring your child to visit her father because it will lessen the trauma of your child wondering why daddy is not home. I provided some websites for you to look over so you can come up with the best solution for your daughter and by the way, I would suggest that you look up some help for yourself. An incarcerated parent not only effect the child but the parent who cares for the child. I go through periods of sadness because I always wanted my child to have the experience of having two parents involved in his life or at times, I get really angry and resent his father so much for not staying out of trouble to be here for our child. Maybe you seek some or join a support group which emphasizes the impact of an incarcerated parent. May God bless you and your child. Take care.

Answer 2

It depends what the guy did. Are you married? How long have you been together? Do you want that type of a role model for her?

I have a friend (no it's definitely not me), who's husband went to jail for 2 years because he looked at child porn on line and got caught. He said he was just curious...I think no one in their right mind would pay to look at naked 5 year olds. She divorced him (they have an young daughter) for obvious reasons but when he got out of prison she got back together with him. As far as I am concerned, she is now responsible if her child gets molested.

If it is some white collar crime (tax evasion for example)and you can live with it and trust him not to do it again... why not (on a limited basis). Cards, letters and birthday presents are a better way to go than dragging her to the prison often.

Answer 3

That's a hard question. A child should be able to see her father, and the father should be able to see the daughter. Unfortunately, it could be really rough on the child. Visiting my parent in jail was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I was 19 at the time...and she was only there for 5 days. If your daughter is very young, she may not really understand, and as she gets older she will get more used to it. This could be an advantage.

Answer 4

There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking her to see her dad!. Why not? People do things everyday and have to face the consequences... why should it affect her? Or even you? I say you take her as often as you want to. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

EDIT: For the people who are saying it's a bad idea, WHY? She's not living there! Are you saying that men in jail should not see their families because they screwed up? Come on already! What kind of bad influence could a half hour every other week have on a child?? She gets to see her dad!!! They go on visiting day, so there're other families and other children there as well. Geez, be real! Now if she gets a little older and starts to say she'd rather NOT go...? Then that's another story. Till then, LET HER SEE HER DAD!

Answer 5

I know there will be tons of people that disagree with me, but I think it is a good idea to bring your daughter to visit her father occasionally. When he is released, it will be a plus that she recognizes her father and knows who he is from her own experience. There may come a time when she won't want to go to visit. If it's just that she doesn't like being at the prison, not that she doesn't want to see him, have her write to him and send drawings, so that they still maintain a connection. Explain to her that because he loves her and misses her, it means a lot to him to be able to see her and hear from her.
It's also of great benefit to him. Knowing that you care enough to visit and to let him see his child can only help him to endure his sentence and give him added incentive to put his life in order once he gets out.
Best of luck to you, your daughter and her father.

Answer 6

First, I've never been close to your situation, and I empathize with you.
How dangerous is it for you two to go, or likely that your girl will witness inmate brutality? If you will be safe enough, then this answer may make sense to you:
A child needs to be loved. If that's through cards, calls, or what have you, your girl needs to feel loved and remembered. As a parent, it is his responsibility to make sure he never gives up trying, regardless of your participation. (I've been through this. Nearly killed in a car accident, I let my 5-yr-old boy live with his dad. I didn't know what month I was in, that's how hard my head got hit. So, I felt guilty, and his dad accused me of being horrible in many ways, and refused to answer the phone on weeknights, so that some weekends I just didn't call. I got over it. Yes, he may have glitches, and I understand those, but ultimately, I stepped up and became regular in my visits, and so should he in his cards/calls/whatever he can do. Now we have split custody again.)
Is he just lonely? Did he totally take her for granted? Probably. But it's a funny thing. Eventually, we believe our own schtick. Even if he needs her selfishly to fill the void in his life, he may actually come around to a deep, abiding, protective, parental love.
Now, what are your beliefs? Do you forgive him? To what extent do you teach your daughter to forgive others? Or to love one's family even if you cannot forgive? That is at the heart of what you will explain to her, now and she grows.
*******Other than your physical safety, her need to feel loved, wanted, and remembered, as much by the male parent as the femlae one taking care of her, is the most important consideration.*******
I hope he will see to it that she knows, regardless of what you're comfortable with and can afford in time, money, and emotional energy.
Just as long as you always give her her mail and phone calls, there is no wrong decision you can make. And he should be made aware of this, too. He has the ability (depending on prison rules) to do plenty all on his own. He can feel empowered, and you can feel free of any manipulation he might try to pull with guilt, etc.
Good luck to you ALL!

Answer 7

I believe that you are doing the right thing by taking your daughter to visit him..... I know this by personal experience my husband which are my kids dad is headed to prison for awhile and I will not punish him for the mistake that he did.... He didn't hurt us or anything it was a stupid mistake and he had learned his lesson.... So I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already has been for being there.... You are a wonderful parent for being there for both of them.... I give you a lot of respect for that... Missy

Answer 8

I suggest you take her to see him so the transition from prison to home will be smoother...if you dont then she may hate one of you later on in life especially if her dad goes back 2 prison ever again. give her a good long talk on the ethics of it every time and i dont see it being too bad.

Answer 9

I think your daughter is in no danger from seeing him in prison, and it might keep him from doing the wrong thing in prison , as there is a lot of stuff going on in there too. so yes let her and her daddy visit

Answer 10

My bro in law was in prison. His parents would bring his one daughter to see him, while the other one refused to go. I see no difference in the girls today.. they are both well and adjusted..So, I can't say that any harm came to the one that went to visit. I believe that is a personal choice to make. I would not do it. But, that is my personal opinion.