Mother in law from hell! My fam paying $5k, were paying 5k, shes paying 20k?

Question

I would be happy with a small wedding, but SHE wants a huge one with all her church friends, thats why shes flipping most of the bill. She has already shot down my dress, flower &color choices. The big problem is she wants NO alcohol. Our package at the hotel INCLUDES a cocktail hour, a glass of wine at dinner, and a champange toast. Also the beverage minimum is $4k. She forbids any of it! Even the toast! She wants to toast with apple cider, and serve fruit punch and water ONLY, not even soda. We are going to lose about $7k by forfitting the alcohol, the hotel won't change their minimums just because we choose not to have it. She is a big part of her church, and says that we arent "allowed" to have alcohol, but the reception isnt at the church, its at a hotel! Also, my family are drinkers and want to have a good time, they are really upset about this. She doesnt even aknowlege that I have a family, its all about her. I cant speak up cause she is paying for so much! What to do?

Answer 1

What? This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If you think her pushiness will end as soon as the wedding is over - think again; if you don't put your foot down, you're in for a lifetime of this. What does your fiancé think about it? If he sides with his mother, you're screwed big time; you will always play the second fiddle, and will not have much of a say in the family affairs. If he would rather have a smaller wedding WITH alcohol, and everything else you two would want to include - then tell him to inform his mother that thanks but no thanks, you are organizing your own wedding the way YOU two see fit. There's absolutely nothing unreasonable in the fact that two grown adults want to have a choice of what to do at THEIR OWN wedding. I'm normally all for tolerance and compromise, but sometimes you just have to say "enough". Her insistance on disregarding your wishes sounds absolutely ridiculous.

Answer 2

It sounds like typical mother of the groom stuff. No one is good enough for her baby boy. My eyes can't roll far enough back into my head to express how ridiculous this is!! Seriously, your kid is a GROWN UP!!! Sheesh.

I think if you politely but firmly tell her this is YOUR wedding, not hers and (as long as you were up front about the alcohol thing before she agreed to help financially) that you appreciate her helping you guys out with the bill, but you still want alcohol to be served and that no one will be expected to participate in the drinking if they choose not to. If she's still adamant about not having it tell her the last time you checked, God teaches us not to judge others, and that He is the judge of all. Besides, according to my studies... which aren't incredibly extensive or anything, drunkenness is a sin, moderate drinking is not. Jesus even drank alcohol in the form of wine, and we're supposed to be trying to be like him right?

OR you could always just agree that there won't be any alcohol there, but just tell her that, no one else. When they start serving alcohol and she flips out (and if she's anything like the people causing this same problem at my wedding were she will) just tell her you don't know what happened but you're sure they got the no alcohol message and then proceed to have fun at your reception! She'll most likely make a complete a$$ of herself in front of everyone so you can go cheap on the entertainment if you want!

It will probably help to have your fiance's support on whatever you do, though, and have them with you when you confront her about this issue.

Answer 3

Why can't you speak up? If she doesn't like the dress, flower, color choices, and the alcohol, then she can keep her 20k. You said you'd be happy with a small wedding, anyway. Basically, she's over a barrel. If she wants this huge wedding to impress all her church friends, she has to go along with you and what you want. If she doesn't, she doesn't get her big wedding. So, really, YOU are in charge. She can't have the big wedding without you. So, either you have your small wedding and do what you want or she gets her big wedding because you get to do what you want. It's not a bad situation to be in. She's not holding YOU hostage; YOU are holding HER hostage.

Answer 4

Tell her to but out. You are the bride it is your big day not hers. If you don't put a squash to her butting in now you will be miserable for as long as you are married to her son. Know from experience been there done that. She has no right to forbid anything if she doesn't want what you want. Have a smaller wedding that you can afford to throw yourself or with your parents help.If you let her ruin this for you you will take it out on her son when you start getting bitter and angry because you didn't get to have your wedding you had hers. If your soon to be can't back you up then maybe you shouldn't get married to him after all. He will continue to take her side once you get married if you let him do it now.I am not trying to upset you I have been were you are and I am just trying to give you some advice. My Mother in law actually ordered my Husband to break up with me since I wouldn't agree to have the wedding were she wanted. She got mad because I let my mom make my dress instead of buying one with a designer label. She wanted my wedding to be a certain way not because she wanted her son's wedding to be special but so she could rub it in other peoples faces.Her interference almost cost us our happyness don't let your Mom in law ruin yours.Good Luck!

Answer 5

Your fiance needs to sit down and explain the situation to his mom.

Even though you both GREATLY appreciate that she wants to put money towards the wedding, that doesn't make it HER wedding. You are the ones getting married, and you are putting $5K towards it. She should not have sole decision over your dress, colors, location, or choice of food and drink.

Talk to the hotel and see if they will give the non-drinking guests sparkling cider. That way your crowd could partake without offending the other side.

Answer 6

Cancel the whole thing. Elope, then have an intimate party with your close friends and family when you return. It's YOUR wedding, but if this person is hellbent on running the show, take matters into your own hands. How important is the three-ring circus to YOU? Isn't the most important thing the fact that you and your beloved are committing to a lifelong relationship. Oh yeah, I forgot--she's going to be part of that! Shoot. Good luck!

Answer 7

It isn't her wedding, it is yours! What does your fiance say about all of this?? Although having the extra 20k would be GREAT, you should talk to her. Let her know that it is your day and you are going to have it the way you want it to be...tell her that you don't want her money. Instead, ask your parents to co-sign on a personal loan with you and borrow money from the bank. If it only takes 20k total, then take out 10k from the bank to make up for it. You can speak up, regardless of how much she is paying...it is YOUR day!!!

Answer 8

I think you and your soon to be husband should both go talk to her together. Explain to her how much it means to you both that she is being so generous with helping pay for the wedding, but that it is indeed YOUR wedding and you want to accommodate all of your guests. Be honest about your stand on alcohol and ask her to respect your wishes of being able to serve it at your reception not to mention your choice of dress, colors, and flowers. This day is about you and your husband, not her. She worst she can do is choose not to contribute to the wedding.

Answer 9

You ,with your fiance, need to sit down and talk as adults to see if yu can come to some sort of compromise. Now, today. Don't wait as it will continue to escalate.

This is a common problem, so don't dispair. You just need to find the solution that works for you.
Realize, too that she has envisioned how her son's wedding would be and that emotions run on extra high from everyone.
Good luck

Ps. Maybe mom-inlaw should hold her reception at a later date?

Answer 10

Ok. Understand that she is going to try to run your life from now on. It IS NOT TOO LATE TO NOT MARRY HER SON. If you really really really want to marry him, then elope. Seriously. You don't need a $30,000 wedding.If she says no drinking and your family drinks you will constantly have to keep everyone separate. You are talking about the rest of your life, not just your wedding. However, why will you "lose $7K" by foreiting the alcohol? That sounds like a scam.