losing my baby was a huge loss that people don't understand?

Question

How can I go back to work? I gave birth to a baby and she was dead. I can't understand it myself but I think about her constantly and am so sad for losing a daughter. She was only 21 weeks in my uterus and most people are of the impression "it's just a miscarriage, she's already had 3 of them, what's the big deal?" or people don't even know because no one has told them. My friend at my work told me that no one at work knows why I'v been off work for a month now, and I can't imagine going back to work and having people ask me why I was off work or what I was sick with and it was because I lost a baby. To me that's a huge deal and it's so sad that no one gets it or understands. Has anyone gone through this and know of any way I can deal with my grief in a secret private way since it's not an acceptable grief to have in this society?

Answer 1

I had the exact same thing happen to me at 20 weeks. I'm sure miscarrying is hard, too, but I doubt it compares to actually having to go through a whole labor and birth of a dead baby that you can hold and say goodbye to. In my situation, I had felt her moving for weeks, even though I didn't look very pregnant. My boyfriend and I worked together in a small restaraunt where all our co-workers were close and very involved in the pregnancy...but still, most of them didn't even say ANYTHING about it when I went back, which made me feel like I couldn't say anything about it either, because it would depress them or make them uncomfortable.
They did get us a card and collected money for us, which was very nice, but it was the most painful, embarassing, awkward period of my life. I think they all did the best they could, but it didn' easy my suffering.
Frequently, I felt like I had done something wrong, since no one wanted to talk to me about it.
This is where I found my hospital's fetal and infant loss support group extremely helpful. There were women and men there that had just lost a baby, or lost one a year ago. Some had miscarried at 8 weeks, some had had children who died weeks after birth.

What helped for me may not be possible for you, and it wan't an easy thing to do, but I ended up quitting my job and going to stay with my mother 2000 miles a way for a few months. I absolutely needed to take that space and time to come to terms with things, and it really helped me to not have to be in the environments where I had been before when I was pregnant. I felt like I couldn't move past it while I still had to work in the same place every day.

That was in June 2005, and I can truthfully say I have completely come to terms with things and have accepted this and moved on. We decided to wait to have another child until we were okay again (like, for me, that meant not wanting to cry every time I saw another pregnant lady, and for both of us also not feeling like we would be afraid if we were to get pregnant again). We got pregnant a week after the one year anniversary of our first daughter's death, and are expecting in March. We and the baby are doing very well.

I won't lie to you - I still cried my eyes out when my niece was born two weeks ago - on what would have been my first daughter's first birthday, had she made it to term and lived. But I am strong, and I have healed, and you and you husband will, too.

Once time had passed I found it was easier to talk to people about the baby's death, and easier for them to talk to me, and even after all this time it is still helpful to talk about the feelings I've had (hence the novel I'm writing right now!).

It was also really beneficial for us to name the baby and do special things for ourselves on holidays, her due date, and the anniversary of her death and birth. I kept all the things the hospital gave us (baby blanket, bracelets, hats, pictures) as well as sympathy cards from family, and let myself cry over them on the days when I felt I needed to. We are past the suffering, but we don't pretend she was anything less than incredibly important to us. We both feel that she is still our firstborn, and though we are so extremely excited for the baby we are now expecting, our little angel Sophie will never be replaced.

Answer 2

I also have a blood disease called Antiphophilipid Syndrome I am 20 weeks pregnant I have to give myself heparin shots twice a day because my blood clots very quickly I have given birth to 4 babies 3 living 1 stillborn and I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies I guess I can tell you that it's not easy I lost my baby at 35 weeks 6 days but I never knew until a few weeks ago that I had this disease if I had known I would never have kept going through this to find out your baby might not live no matter what you do is scary I'd say atleast you didn't go all the way to the end to walk out the hospital with empty arms but that's not very conforting grieve your loss you should it will get better sometimes but then you'll feel it all over again but it does get easier to deal with it I'd see if there is any medications you can take like me to help with the succession of the outcome of pregnancy.Sorry about your loss and good luck to you.

Answer 3

I don't care how far along in a pregnancy you are. If you lose it at any time it is just devastating. I really feel for you. I lost a baby and my in-laws said to just pretended it never happened. It's hard to believe how insensitive people can be about something that important. That was over six years ago and I still hold it against them for saying that. It would have been another beautiful grandchild for them to love. It was a life. Maybe your friend at work should let everyone know what happened. Maybe someone you work with has experienced something like that and you could talk about it with them. It is definitely not something you can sweep under the rug. Maybe you could find an online support group. No matter how many children you have, it still hurts a lot when you lose one. I have a friend that lost two babies and there are so many people that don't know what to say, and a lot who say the wrong thing. I will be thinking about you and your loss.

Answer 4

It's very much an acceptable grief in this society - just one that a lot of people cannot understand. You've had a huge loss and it's normal to feel angry, sad, upset, any mixture of emotions. You should contact your employer and ask for additional time off for grieving. Also, if you tell your employer what happened and say that you'd rather people know ahead of time he/she can spread the word that you're in distress over the stillbirth and there's a chance that you'll have to deal with less questions from people when you return to work. I know there are some support groups available, but if there aren't any in your area (your hospital should be able to tell you about any), I'd recommend seeing a counselor to help you through your grief. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It is very acceptable to grieve in society and it's healthy for you to do so. Lean on family and friends to help you get through this. Really, time is probably the issue here. It should get easier but if you find, say after 1 month, that you're still unbearably upset, you need to find some councelling to help put this in perspective for you.

Yes, you should go back to work and get on with your life. Take a couple weeks of holidays if you have or ask for stress leave for 2 weeks and then get back to it. It won't help to sit at home dwelling over and over it. As far as other people's reactions, don't judge them too harshly. Miscarriage is unfortunately not uncommon (almost 1 in 5 pregnancies ends up in miscarriage) and its generally a private issue and not talked about a lot, so you never really hear about it unless experienced by women close to you.

Answer 6

Honey, calm down. Yes, your loss was terrible and you have every right to grieve. But don't expect others to magically guess why you're upset, or to know the right way to express their sympathy. Either they don't know, or they don't know what to say, so that's why they seem dismissive or unsympathetic.

You are not ready to return to work yet; your emotions are still very raw and you have a lot of emotions to work through. Regardless of how other people may treat grief, YOU need to take the time to respect grief and address it properly. I strongly suggest group therapy - there are support groups out there which will validate your loss and help you come to terms with it. Check online, the phone book, with your doctor, etc. You don't have to keep this "secret, private" because there are many women who have experienced the same heartache and can sympathy and support you need right now.

take care.

Answer 7

I am sorry to hear about your loss. A friend of mine was due the month after me when I was pregnant with #2. She lost her baby at 20 some weeks as well. It was horrible :(

You should be able to find an online support group somewhere if you want to find someone to talk to who has been through the same experience. Also, talking to a therapist in your town may help as well.

Answer 8

Hey hun, I'm so sorry for your loss, the same thing happened to my sister and I feel for you. You lost a child, I doubt that people don't think that you should grieve it is just something that people don't feel comfortable talking about, or they don't know what to say. I lost a child because of an ectopic pregnancy and I was only 2 mths pregnant and it is always going to be an issue for me. You should start a journal and write down all of your "baby" thoughts, I guess that helped me, cause I couldn't talk about it with many people either!

Answer 9

I have not been through what you have, but I want you to know that I feel so bad for you. Internet hugs coming your way...

Each miscarriage is a little life lost. I understand...

Hope eveything works out for you. Maybe you could have a friend at work prepare everyone ahead of time so that no one will be insensitive to you...

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss...

Answer 10

That is an acceptable grief. I have miscarried 3 times as well, and still to this da it is hard to deal with. If there are people who do not support you then do not involve them in our life. Let them know you would rather not discuss it with them.