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I have been married for 20 years now. I can't understand why it is that my husband will not stand up to his parents, brother, or sisters. It seems like it is ok for his wife, daughter and son to be upset, but heaven forbid making any waves with his side of the family. He has hurt his relationship with me, and both his children because of it. I just want reason why he can't stand up to them. He will always say, "I don't want to make any waves" or if his mother were to insult me he'll say, "it's just mom, she is truly ignorant and doesn't know any better, just ignore her" Or he doesn't want to fight with his brother over hurting our son by some of the crap he does. I just don't get it.

2006-11-17 04:53:20 · 16 answers · asked by goldensparkler61 4 in Family & Relationships Family

16 answers

you answered your own question. He really doesn't want to make waves...he is non-confrontational when it comes to his family. Some guys are just like that. Mine seems to firmly believe that if you ignore the problem long enough it will just go away. (Like that has EVER happened.) And let me tell you my in-laws are the biggest bunch of back-stabbing wannabes you'll ever come across. The best thing that ever happened to us was a move out of state! We moved about 3 hours away and his family still (after 7 years) acts as if it was MY FAULT we moved, and they rarely come out to see us even though his parents grew up where we live now and there is quiet a bit of family still in the area.

Personally I gave up. He isn't going to change, We have been married for 17 years and it just isn't worth the aggravation to keep on him about it. Moving helped limit my contact with them. I do not send cards for any reason to them except for Christmas...if he wants his family to have cards for birthday's etc he can buy them, address them, sign them and mail them. And he'd better not use my stamps! I don't call them, email them, or seek them out. I am nice to them when I am forced to deal with them. Common courtsey and good manners are important. I do make sure I send all the neices & nephews gift cards for their birthday's and christmas, they are not the problem although their manners leave a bit to be desired. Just kill'em with kindness, and although it is hard, rise above them!! Remember never let them see you sweat! Keep your visits short and as infrequent as possible. Send your kids with your hubby and stay home once in a while. You don't always have to go. I don't... Good luck, feel free to email me and vent. I can relate!!

2006-11-17 05:19:39 · answer #1 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 0 0

Guess it's because we always see our parents as our parents instead of accountable equal human beings. Some go through the transition and some never do to developing adult relationships. I've been with men who's parents were tyrants and they never said a word. Needless to say, those relationships didn't make it. It was hard for me to learn to stand-up to my parents. My mother of course cried and didn't talk to me and did the where did I go wrong routien. Dad did the I'm still your father and you'll do as I say, complete with finger waving.
But it passed and we developed a mutual respect.....It's a change and in a family you tolerate alot from each other in order to get along. Things you would never tolerate from anyone else. It's hard to knock that balance out of kilter that took a lifetime to maintain. But I agree with you...it's no excuse to allow the behavior to continue. All I can say you are going to have to stand up for yourself and your children if he won't. There are respectful ways to do so without a family war. You may be the "*****" for awhile.....join the club. But you've also made a stand for some respect.

2006-11-17 05:12:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

He probably doesn't want to make waves! He's being honest with you, but he is missing the point entirely. It is HIS responsiblitiy to demand that his family respect you and his children.

Is it a safe bet to say that he doesn't communicate well with you either? A lot of men find it easier to ignore the problem, with hopes that it will just go away.

My husband used to be the same way. His mother was very disrespectful towards me, and he would do nothing about it. I finally took it upon myself to tell her how I felt. It didn't go over so well, but she got the point, and so did he. We are in counceling now, and he understands how important it is for our marriage that he not allow ANYONE to disrespect me. I would suggest asking your husband to go to counceling with you. It can't hurt! Good Luck

2006-11-17 05:13:27 · answer #3 · answered by Kailey 5 · 0 0

He's insecure about them and feels they will actually walk out of his life. Because it seems that is the way he has been raised. You need to tell him how he has hurt you and his kids. All of you need to talk to him. Set aside a timea nd just do it. you may need to stop putting you and the kids in their space. In other words, don't attend functions that aren't really really big ones for the family. Don't call and don't let the kids call them unless it's a has to thing, try to avoid them and you need to tell him why. He needs to stand up when it comes to his kids and you. He needs to tell the family that you all are hurt and it is having an affect on his marriage and the kids relationship with him. Then really try to do what is right. don't always stick up for your kids. A lot of people do that and it turns into a war...this is not good. They need to deal with their problems with each person and let their decisions stand if they are teens and not toddlers they need to learn to deal with unfair people. They are everywhere. Good luck.

2006-11-17 05:00:49 · answer #4 · answered by MISS-MARY 6 · 0 0

hi

must be a guy thing cos i have the same prob with my hubby we been married 9yrs.

i moved to spain to get away from them and they still follow me.

my hubby and i had a big argument over hs sister cos when she last come to stay with us in spain her and the kids trashed my house i was gutted.

i told my hubby i didnt want her here again and guess what surprise surprise she is coming to stay nxt wk.

my hubby finds it very easy to say no to me or the kids but not his family god knows why cos his family give him nothing but grief.

maybe you should do what i did tell your hubby to have some respect for you and your kids and start defending you or you'll leave him might give him abit of a shock.

it worked for me i told my hubby after this visit from his sis she isnt welcome here again and if he doesnt tell her that then im on the first plane back to the uk and i'll divorce him.
he told his sis the other day there was a huge argument about it but he stood firm for once in his life.

guess me and the kids are important to him than his family. (thank god)

2006-11-17 05:09:27 · answer #5 · answered by rosierotweiller 2 · 0 0

u know , i feel with u all what ur saying , and i also understand why ur husband is acting like that because i have same problem too , for years i was expecting him to say NO to his family and defend me ,never happened not even once , he has a big respect for them , and he thinks he will be a bad example for the kids if he do so , but i learned by the years that he was right somehow , because if i was in his situation i would do same with my family too , and ask him to ignore them , but I LEARNED ALSO THAT I AM THE ONE WHO MUST STAND UP FOR MY RIGHTS AND CONFRONT THEM NOT HIM ...

2006-11-17 05:22:17 · answer #6 · answered by Dali 2 · 0 0

He's a wimp....did you not know that already. I think it is ultimatum time....this is NOT good for your kids, not at all. You are allowing, yes allowing a bad message and example to be sent to them about what marriage and family are about. Get some nads girl and tell him how it is going to be, if he can't handle it, see ya.
He has left yo with no choice. Write his family, all of them, a letter or email..make it clear they have all be C.c.....tell them that if they are comfortable with making you and your children unhappy then you are going to make "some drastic changes" and that they can all live with the result of those changes. Show the letter to hubby and see what happens. This is 20 years over due....take charge....if you can't get the kahoonas to do it for yourself do it for your kids!!!!!!! Good luck...

2006-11-17 05:06:47 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I feel for you. My father acts the same way your husband does.
It seems like they are stuck in the past and are still waiting from their other family's approval or acceptance.
They can control their family and feel comfortable in it hence do not need approval or acceptance. But when it comes to their parents it is a constant struggle.

2006-11-17 04:56:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I don't get it either. I've dealt with a similar issue, and it really hurts my feelings. It's like I'm not important enough to be stood up for. I've tried saying stuff about it, but nothing ever comes of it. Maybe you should just sit the next family gathering out. That's what I'm doing.

2006-11-17 04:56:18 · answer #9 · answered by two_kee_kees 4 · 0 1

he doesnt want to be torn between. and he doesnt want to make his family feel that he put his own family before them. Thats sad that he cant stand up for u and your kids. there should be a line that his family members shouldnt cross. confront them about it i would...that is disrepectful. either swallow and take it in or just say hey thats not cool please stop. your husband seems to look past ur feelings towards his family. sit him down and tell him or leave his a$$ since he doesnt care about his "own" family

2006-11-17 05:04:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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